White

a song im working on i got guitar part with it but i keep getting lost with words and confused on where i want to take it

In the white meadow
The song bird would sing
Of all this worlds beauty
And then show me thee

A thousand white angels
Would fly from the heavens
Sounding there horns
Awakening me

And they ride in their chariots on light
Blissfully calm through the night
And I'm blinded by beauty
As she drifts through the air

finally she stops
within my eyes reach

And she steps from her carriage
smile lights the air
a gown of gold fleece
white every where

she takes my hand
within warm embrace
guides to the meadow
where we dance in grace

and we glide upon moonlight
cross a thousand clear nights
we're held by a holy embrace
we ride cross the skies
by stars holy might
we ride
It's all so white

Author's Note

opinions please and some ideas for more words, i feel it needs something stronger for and ending i plan on getting the guitar part on here as soon as possible

Reviews

[Charles]

This works pretty well as a set of song lyrics. I agree that the ending needs some work and there are also a few punctuation (apostrophe) and spelling errors that I'm sure you'll catch as you move forward. In the first three stanzas you go from talking to the heroine (thee) to talking about her (she).. a bit distracting. I think what's missing is something to bring the poem back to earth... the concepts and images are 'other worldly' with nothing to tie the whole thing to a real life person.. I believe the ending could anchor the poem to a time.place.person. :-)

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

Now this is surreal. Great imagery!

[The Last Poetic King]

Okay I'd carry this next to an experience with beauty. Show the blissfulness of beauty, but I think you should turn it around and show the treachery of beauty as well. Then bring it to a close with either a sense of longing/missing beauty. Its what I would do, but I think this would just be some tips. I think by this you should figure out what you wish to do with it. Dont forget to take from a higher self, it always produces a good write. Also we should have an intellectual conversation, it helps me produce my best works. Maybe its the same for you.

[Nicaushio Yamaki]

very nice poem.

[Moth Phoenix]

It is a lovely song :] I can see a great image when I read it. Maybe you can write a verse that indicates the speakers feelings about her?? :]