Staring at Our Shoes

its when i stared at my shoes and i thought of her which crosses my mind all the time

As I sit here

Staring at our shoes

I see one

Deep in the blue

Alone

The other up high

On a pillar

Towering toward the sky

One is the right

The other

Is the left

Separate

Nothing is solved

Together

All is resolved

Allowing us to walk

Together

On both our feet

Out into the blue

The beautiful sea

Where together

Forever

We shall be

Drifting together in harmony

For all eternity

Author's Note

Reviews pls and even on your opinion of what you get from it

Reviews

[Lilly]

beautiful write - love the last few lines...

[The Perfectionist]

Like Charles, the 'our' felt strange to me when you only talked about two shoes. Do you share a pair with someone? I don't know.

I've seen you mix metaphors before, and it's tough to pull off. Your rhyme scheme is interesting and unusual, but it works and that's all you can ask for. Not your best, but a competent work. I can't say anything more that massive paragraph below me hasn't already said.

[Charles]

This is a good write, but at the onset I started to wonder about whose shoes (ours? But there're only two shoes... OK, so a couple of shoes got lost in the figurative shuffle). I can see one shoe (left/right) in the blue and the other (left/right) on a tower (good imagery here), but then these two shoes 'allow US to walk' (two people in one pair of shoes?) Then, I wonder why the 'us' would put on their shoes to walk into the sea (the blue sea).. Lots of back and forth here that you might look at to see how it fits with what you were thinking at writing time. Then, there is a bit of redundency in being 'together forever' and 'for all eternity.' What I have at the very end (still focusing on the shoes that were such a strong part of the poem's beginning) is the image of a couple of people in one pair of shoes floating on an open sea. There is much to say about this poem and I think the essential element of two people coming together somehow (the wonderment of the blue and tower thing) only to move into the sea and 'float away forever' iis strong and evocative. For my part, I'd look at this essential element again and see how to construct an image different than the one I came away with. Aside from that, I think these words might work very well as lyrics for a song where the structural things like how many shoes for how many people and how do they float with their feet in shoes can be overcome (flat out blown away) by accompanying music. Pretty complex writing, my friend. :-)

[rockinmiley555]

awwww :} its cute haha. it tells a story in the simplest of ways.

[HorrorMaster]

nice poem and white

[Deaths Cold Kiss]

great write.... "where together forever we shall be drifting together in harmony for all eternity" beautiful

[Angie Diane♥&hea..]

I enjoyed it. It was nice. I really can't explain what I get from it because right now I don't know. I liked it though. Thanks for sharing.

[c.m.]

Is it about two seperate people? I like it, it paints a picture. But no one can know exactly what you were thinking at the time but you, so I guessed :)