my hearts should be my heart's
The line 'in with our without my strings' makes no sense
majestically should be just majestic
Okay, moving on beyond that, you have an interesting little poem here, that I have two complaints with. The form you use works somehow, but when you have short stocky lines like you do, you need to make sure you watch what you put in them. The first four lines stumble a bit because you've essentially broken up what should be two lines into four, and done so in the wrong places so that it's halting instead of natural. Just read it aloud (remembering to pause at the end of a line) and you'll see what I mean.
The other one is the question of lust. You talk about it at the end as a likely explanation (though not the most likely) and there's nothing in the rest of the poem that conveys that. Control and command aren't sexual unless you want them to be, and your tone doesn't show that at all. You don't really need to change this, but I just thought you should know it sticks out a little as a "where did he get THAT from?" moment.
Clean up the spelling and reconsider the opening at the very least anyway.
Whoa!! Dude, this poem is absolutely freakin' FANTASTIC! I love the "my sweet puppeteer" lines, n' though I am not certain I know what you are saying in many parts of this, it truly doesn't bother me cuz it's like a song, n' I get swept away in your words like a melody in my head.....
Looking forward to reading more by you, Hippy! You RAWK!! ㋡
my hearts should be my heart's
The line 'in with our without my strings' makes no sense
majestically should be just majestic
Okay, moving on beyond that, you have an interesting little poem here, that I have two complaints with. The form you use works somehow, but when you have short stocky lines like you do, you need to make sure you watch what you put in them. The first four lines stumble a bit because you've essentially broken up what should be two lines into four, and done so in the wrong places so that it's halting instead of natural. Just read it aloud (remembering to pause at the end of a line) and you'll see what I mean.
The other one is the question of lust. You talk about it at the end as a likely explanation (though not the most likely) and there's nothing in the rest of the poem that conveys that. Control and command aren't sexual unless you want them to be, and your tone doesn't show that at all. You don't really need to change this, but I just thought you should know it sticks out a little as a "where did he get THAT from?" moment.
Clean up the spelling and reconsider the opening at the very least anyway.
Aw, so beautiful. Nice to think that it's about true love and romance, without being cheesy. Wish boys would do that kind of thing for me xD She must be very lucky.
Very nice write, it flowed well, the rhyme scheme was nice, it's very creative and I think a lot of people can relate to it. We've all been a puppet on string to someone but unfortunately it usually turns out bad because you give them all the control and they take advantage of you finally leaving you alone and broken. I really liked this piece though. Great write! Keep it up! :)
My names austin lee wallace i am a hippy and thats what they all call me. i love music its the greatest, i play guitar the harp piano flute violin and whatever i can get me hands on. Im not much of a .. more..