Tower of Black Bricks(edited by angelheaded hipster)

its the same meaning and all my word but shorter and i think flows nicer by omiting a few words

Her words could speak a truth or a lie,
it will not ease my troubled mind
I've already set my foundation,
black bricks stacked ever so high


Towering toward the sky,
when they tumble I'll never know
I cannot watch her with my own eye


I worry for her day and night
wondering, pondering
causing my own demise


I see me building my tower of black,
blocking the sunlight from my path
wishing to tear these black bricks
from the sky, so i could see the light


Wishing to tell her
truth from a lie

Author's Note

was edited by angelheaded hipster so go ahead and read both if u feel ur going to comment on either i like this better thank u angelheaded hipster tho i didnt like ur edit on the last line
Wishing to tell her
a truth from lie
so i made that the same as before

Reviews

[Stephen Scaggs]

Dear Austin Wallace,

Thank you for adding me as a friend. I hope my review can help you. Angelheaded Hipster is a good poet so I'm glad you listened to her advice. It seems to me you are taking your first steps into a world of poetry; when wriitng, force yourself to write as grammatical as you can. Over time, you eventually learn to type faster and spell better. You don't need to make an entirely new poem to edit a previous poem, by the way. If you want to edit a poem, go up to the top and put your mouse over "Writing." A list will scroll and you can select at the bottom "Manage Writing." Click on the "pencil" icon in the next page to edit that specific work. In your author's note, try to avoid using abbreviations for words like u for you. I grew up as a gamer, so when I began writing, it took me a bit to get to stop using them. Capitalize the beginning of each sentence. It helps the reader to give structure and form to a poem so that it helps flow better.

Anyways, to the actual poem: Learn to put periods at the end of your sentences as though you were writing literal sentences. You have an extraordinary imagery. The flow in this piece of writing is good. Just don't have one sentence with twenty words and then the next line has like five words. It breaks flow. Make sure that you are speaking clearly to the reader; clarity is essence in poetry. Like on the fourth stanza, I would personally think it'd look better as "I see me building a tower of bricks rising over the sun, blocking out the light. I wish to tear away these black bricks from the sky, so I can see the light." At least, that's how I'd word it. You have a good central theme for the poem. But it sounds to me like you were trying to write a hardcore/metal song. A poem and a song are two separate things. Poems can become songs but songs cannot become poems. Also, it is not bad to repeat yourself. Repetition edifies a point. You could between stanzas two and three say what you said at the last, "I'm wishing to tell her a truth from a lie."

Anyways, you did a good job. Better than I did when I started out writing. My first poem was horrible. But you did a good job, just keep writing and keep growing. If you need help with finding a rhyme, go to the site: http://www.rhymer.com/ or http://www.rhymezone.com/ , these are called rhyming dictionaries. Expand your vocabulary using words unfamiliar to you. n_n You can send me a read request to have me read and review a specific poem by the "Read Request" button that is located at the top right of the writing you want reviewed. It's in a box with eight other things. 8.6/10.

Sincerely,
S. W. Scaggs

[Angelheaded Hipster]

*smiles and claps*
This flows so much better...and youre right..the last line works...I like it

You did a great job kiddo!