Fever

I have no clue where this came from or what I'm talking about

Indeterminate moods of rage and ecstacy rippled through her fevered mind, and in the bouts of diarreah and vomiting, the intamacy between her body and spirit became apparent.

Incoherent ramblings tumbled off her tongue until she had every woman in the room believing in what she spoke. The conspiracy of an indentured whelp-woden woman stuck heavy in the air, much like the cigar smoke in a man's den. It stank much the same-dripping lies of contempt amidst foes and the odor of super-ego paranoia and schizophrenic heresy violates the senses.

However, that was only the begining, for Eve screamed of Syphilis burns that were not visible-for she had only slept with one man. She also claimed a non-existant entity took up residence within her and was controlling her hormone levels, obviously a manifestation of her guilt. Nevertheless, no one could muster an explaination for the intention or motivation for this young mother to brutally slay her one year old son. Whosoever looked upon Eve soon grew green with disgust and red at the abhorent rumors rampaging across the countryside.

 

"If you ever speak of this, you are dead woman," he hissed insistantly in her ear with his had clamped tightly around her mouth.

"Would you take care of the babe that lay in that crib then. I think not," she snorted when he loosed his grubby hand from her visage.

"It would be better for you if you shut your mouth wench, or I will put you in the attic to wither away."

"Ha! You would like that, would you not? Chain me up and only come up to have me pull the skirts over my head when you have proven yourself a drunkard and no longer a man!" His hoof came down like bricks on her mouth and she fell to the floor searching for the tooth that flew from her between her lips. He lowered himself to her, smothering her with his heat-drenched whiskey breath that fueled his manliness.

 

"Is Eve in there?"

"Yes, Doctor she is."

"What state is she in?" At this the wet nurse faltered. Tell the truth or let him see for himself. What could she tell him? By the time the timid nurse had the courage to tell the doctor that miss Eve was truly hysterical, he was turning towards the door.

Author's Note

I would love it if I could just get suggestions of where to take this.

Reviews

[The Lit Wit]

I liked it, but I did notice some things that needed correcting, and some that confused me. For example, intamacy is spelled intimacy, if that's what you're trying to say. For example also, "Indeterminate moods of rage and ecstacy rippled through her fevered mind, and in the bouts of diarreah and vomiting, the intamacy between her body and spirit became apparent." Um, huh? I have no idea what this means, sorry. Maybe try cutting it into shorter pieces and using more specific language?
Indeterminate is a long, unneeded word. It also isn't used in the right way, considering that the context is about emotions..
You could say, "Heat and ecstacy rippled through her." Quick and to the point. Also, what does this have to do with her being sick? The rest of this really confused me. I'm not sure what's going on, or where she is or who she is...Needs to be unifying and more precise. But good job!

Good luck,
Melinda

[Sheila Kline]

Riveting!........why not go back to "before".....perhaps another time when something similar had happened. Create a flash back scene, and tie it to present - perhaps change the color scheme you leave at the end - hint at murder of the child in the "before"....that child is a curse to me.....perhaps mentioning words as this....where did this begin?
Perhaps a twist on the woman who are convinced that what she is saying is true...twist them..have her believing what they are saying - role reversals.
Just some thoughts. I think it could be continued with a step back.
Enjoyed the read!
Sheila, A Poetess who reads stories

[Blue Sky]

It's quite riveting with raw emotions
that plague this woman, and there's so much
that goes on as the plagues continue to ravage
the mind, the body, the spirit, it makes a good
intro of a sort of a series of epidemic that this woman goes through
your word choice is astonding...and the closure to this piece..was just as profound...
as though..it states...to be continued...

Whosoever looked upon Eve soon grew green with disgust and red at the abhorent rumors rampaging across the countryside.

Beautiful work!!

[Pax Analog]

This is definitely a jangly neon panel of more. When I roll out a visionary compressed text like this, and come to pause, I'm inclined to counterpoint what just came out with something unpredictable, as left field in its way as the first impulse was.

Good intro to what I mean are my Installments 1-4 of ScriptureX: X Marks the Spot; Slipstream, Gnoziz, Planet Xenon. The rest exhibits art of collage too, but the early installments give a sense of roots.

Experimental fever in prose-poetics wants to collage. Bounce off the wall or the ring ropes with a counter-fever. A sense of extended song is useful. Verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-verse-chorus-bridge. . .

You have a flaming supernatural sense in this opening section. Swing wildly to a sense of elsewhere, like song section, or cinema scene.

There is a searing poetic current to this. Probably a cooler counterpoint, tonally. But feel it out, intuitive dream logic.

OK, I just re-read the part about her killing infant son. Next section should be of an underlying scene in HER childhood that ties in as rage/anguish re her murdering her child.

Strong energy. . .to be continued. . .

[Billy Baphomet]

I love this, as you know darling darkling. Wonderfully scribed and bizarre. I wish I could suggest where to take it. . .perhaps simply tie up some loose ends and classify it as an experimental study piece. . .a study in vocabulary/voice?