Pandora

War has always been a part of my people’s lives for as long as I can remember. Divided amongst petty factions we fought, for gains so petty even as the world around us crumbled to ruin. As a princess, the sole heir to my father’s crown, I knew far this too well, having lost kith and kin to the war, in both body and spirit.

 

....

 

In my youth and naivety I chose to forsake my father’s legacy of conquest to pursue my own ambitions of studying the lore of the land and healing the wounds of war. Only when a handful of us remained in the wake of our burning lands did I learn the futility of my chosen path in the face of what was reality.

 

....

 

Alongside the loyalists that remained, we travelled south, towards the corrupted cradle of life that scarred the land like a festering wound, the place that even the ancients feared to tread. It seemed like an act of madness, but desperation was never a rational beast. There, I hoped to discover the power which my late father and the elders held such superstitious fear of. I did so to save my people, and to right the wrongs of my foolishness.

 

....

 

I entered the tomb alone, my men hesitating for fear of their souls. The darkness within its decrepit halls felt so thick, as though its shadowy tendrils were constantly upon my neck. Eventually, I came before a massive pool of black ichor at the heart of the catacombs. Knowing that this was my destination, I submerged myself into its icy, sticky embrace. And as the brackish ichor claimed me, I felt a part of me slip away… replaced with something unspeakable and unfathomable.

 

....

 

When I emerged from the tomb, my men prostrated themselves before me, their eyes awash with both fear and awe unseen and unfelt of before. Perhaps they too sensed the change within me, as I have, for I now possessed the great power of the gods, and I alone controlled the secrets of magic. With this power coursing through my veins, I swore to end the eternity of strife, that I may unite mankind under my banner.

 

Perhaps after all, I am no different from my father.

Reviews

[Sir Aphid]

Tyranny does create an uneasy sort of peace.

[Schatzi]

Hello Aurafiex,

I took a few notes as I read this chapter. Please remember, this is simply my opinion. Feel free to use my suggestions or ignore them as you see fit, but please do not take offense because none is meant.

"Divided amongst petty factions we fought, for gains so [petty is repetitive, consider changing to 'small'] even as the world around us crumbled to ruin.

In my youth and naivety[,] I chose to forsake my father’s legacy of conquest to pursue my [own isn't necessary] ambitions of studying the lore of the land and healing the wounds of war.

Only when a handful of us remained in the wake of our burning [lands is repetitive, consider another descriptive word] did I learn the futility of my chosen path in the face of what was reality.

Alongside the loyalists that remained, we [traveled] south, towards the corrupted cradle of life that scarred the land like a festering wound, the place that even the ancients feared to tread.

There, I hoped to discover the power which my late father and the elders held such superstitious fear of. [Sentence ends with a preposition, consider revising]

I came [to] before a massive pool of black ichor at the heart of the catacombs.

Perhaps[,] after all, I am no different from my father.

This is another good chapter. Nice job!

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[Coyote Poetry]

A very good chapter. You are giving enough to keep the reader interested. I liked the honest ending. Thank you for sharing the excellent chapter.
Coyote

[Amber Lily]

Loving these additions! I like how you haven't limited your monsters to just creatures. Pandora is a special one, since there is only one of her, unlike golems or sirens where there could be more. This was an interesting turn, but a good one! Can't wait to see more :)

[Aurafiex]

Well, each monster is a singular entity actually. Like The Golem, or the Siren. I suppose Pandora is an exception, but yeah.

I have three more lined up! Just have to edit 'em.

[barleygirl]

Best thing about this posting is the way you start at point A (being UNLIKE father) & the story weaves in & out of several experiences, until it loops back to point A -- but instead, stating contrasting observations (being LIKE father). This is so true of human nature, to be put off by another person's traits when those are the very traits we also possess -- a realistic life struggle in the midst of a fantasy story. This is the way to weave reality & fantasy into a cohesive story.

I'm not sure why each paragraph is separated with ellipses as if the flow of your story is skipping over parts (that's how such breaks are typically used) . . . yet all your paragraphs flow along as one connected story (ellipses seem like they're not needed). The overall mechanics of your writing are well-done & you do this genre in an original way by not going too deep into gory details, yet expressing the spooky situation clearly with nicely bleak observations & descriptions.

[Aurafiex]

Ah, the epilepsies are used as a divider between paragraphs, that is to say, each paragraph should read as a passage of its own, with the passages forming a story together. And thanks for the review!

[Bala Gorthi]

A thought provoking and interesting write...

[Aurafiex]

Thank you!