A Paper Boat

Like a practised origamist, 
I folded my frangible heart into 
a paper boat and carefully set it to 
sail at the doorstep of sea of love, 
and reach its hallowed destination.

Amidst echoes of yesteryears
and muffled whispers of future, 
it danced on ripples of hours, 
undisturbed by opposing winds.
It twisted, turned, and wobbled.

It went and went far from afar, 
fighting bravely to stay afloat
in storms of desires and yearnings.
It left a streak of red behind before
drowning in a whirl of expectations.

Reviews

[Eggplant]

This was a good poem that you wrote. You included many describing words, but not too many. One thing I would improve on is the end of verse 2, the ending line didn't finish the verse like the others did, it was just sudden. Also, In verse 3, you said: "...far from afar...." I understand what you were trying to portray with that saying but it confused me the first time that I read. I had to go back and read it over again to understand what you were saying. Maybe there is another way that you could phrase that. Now, this is just my opinion, but I think that maybe you could have added another verse somewhere because I felt it was a little short. I know sometimes short is good, but this poem was just missing a little something ;p Also, the line "...at the doorstep of sea of love" you should add the, or a before sea. Just a little note. Aside from all of that, I really enjoyed how you put a lot of emotion into your poem because that is really important when writing a poem. If you are writing a poem without emotion, it is a bunch of words, but when you add emotion, your poem develops many meanings and feelings and riddles. I feel like you did just that with your poem. "[I] set it to sail at the doorstep of sea of love" That was one of my favorite lines. I hope that what I wrote wasn't harsh, because I didn't intend it to be that way. I hope to see more from you in the future!
-Lily

[Devashish Kumar]

You weren't too harsh. In fact, you were not harsh at all. You were gentle in your suggestions. The satisfaction you get when someone scrutinises your poem, makes efforts to understand is almost indescribable. So I am thankful that you took sometime to understand this poem.

Now, let me address your comments.
1. The ending of verse 2- it is certainly sudden. Worse yet, it does not, at least on surface, link the two stanzas.
2. 'far from afar'- like you said, it does seem a little off place. I did take a lot of time to think of a better phrasing. I couldn't at that time.
3. A missing stanza- yes. I do feel the ending a bit too abrupt.
4. Missing article before 'sea of love'- I knew it was grammatically incorrect to write this way. I think poems allow you that little freedom. Also, 'a' was a little too ambiguous and 'the' a little too definite. I wanted something more in between.
5. Poems without emotions just a bunch of words. I could not agree more. But sometimes a reader does have to find that trace of emotion. You did just that.

[Prynka]

This is a beautiful poem. What a comparison a paper boat to your heart. Wonderful!!! Such a refreshing poem I must say it made my day. Enjoyed reading it.

[Devashish Kumar]

thank you so much :)

[¿]

It shows how heart travels in the journey of love! Totally unique the way you described.
Loved it!

[Devashish Kumar]

thank you :)

[Najam Us Saher]

What a lovely simile of a paper boat. Very good comparision infact you have used wonderful description and made this sound very appealing.

[Devashish Kumar]

Thank you so much :)

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome ☺