An Unsent Letter

A Story by Devashish Kumar

Hi *******

I have been meaning to write to you for some time. But these exams. I, sometimes, feel my life, up till now, has largely been preparing for exams and taking exams.

Anyways, let’s begin.

I did not fall for you in a day. It was a rather long arduous process. No, don’t get me wrong. I did not force myself to fall for you. It was arduous because I did everything to make sure it did not happen.

I had, for long, built a wall around myself. It was high. It was thick. Stone by stone I had built it to save myself from embarrassments and disappointments. I had gotten used to this ‘encaged’ feeling. Life was simpler that way. The irony is that I was worried that it would not get breached ever. Because it was too dark. It was too cold. It was suffocating sometimes. But that wall could not stand the force of your current. It made a tiny crack first. And a breath of fresh air gushed in. That tiny crack grew slowly at the beginning.

This letter is, in a way, a recollection of some of those little moments when this tiny crack turned into a big hole and eventually brought down the entire wall. Time, you know, *******, is greedy, it steals all details for itself. Lest I should forget the vivid details of our encounters, I want to pen them down. It was a tenacious adventure- falling for you. It helped it coincided with the time I decided to change some of my ways.

We all grow up with many interests and passions. However, as we grow old those take back seats. Like a plant without water, they wilt and eventually die. But you refused to let go of your interests. You have kept them alive. You have nurtured them. The way your eyes light up whenever you talk about dancing, I often admire you enviously. I could see your passion for dancing oozing out of you. I have not seen you dance. You never invited me to any of your performances. But I know you live and breathe dancing. And someday I will get to see you dance.

You are courageous. Unlike me, you are unafraid to explore the wilderness of unknown. I got to learn from you that it is not about the end result but the process. One should enjoy the process. That’s why we do things. That’s why we should do things.

When you told me ‘Friends’ was your favourite TV show, I was over the moon. I cannot tell you, *******, the measure of happiness I felt when you said, ‘Chandler was the best character and Monica was the prettiest girl on the show.’ … COULD I BE ANY HAPPIER? At that instant. I don’t know.

I rarely feel understood by other people. I know it is not their fault. My communication skills are a bit lacking. I don’t know how and why, but you had immense patience to listen to everything I had to say. You could make sense of my gibberish. Or at least heard them intently. I remember how hard I was trying to explain Nash equilibrium in my broken English.

All these happened at a time when I am changing the old ways of my life. I am continuously trying to filter out negativity from life. I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. And you made it better- this period of reinventing myself. I was looking for an inspiration; you became one. In many ways, you are what I want to be- courageous (‘for trying new things’), passionate (‘about arts like painting, music, dance’), genuine (‘no bullshit approach’), confident, articulate, curious and considerate. So I hope some ‘you’ rubs on me too.

And. Oh I forgot. Your smile, *******. When smile kisses your lips, the entire world makes more sense to me. It is a daunting task- to describe your smile given my limited language prowess. I did not know a smile can be so contagious. Infectious. Picturing you smile has been my favourite pastime for some time. In many ways, you gave me a reason to smile, to smile for nothing, to smile for a smile.

The onrush of warm and fuzzy feelings, sense of fluffiness, heart pumping blood faster than it possibly can, inflated lungs sometimes and forgetful to breathe at other times, smiling stupidly, seemingly random things start making sense- these are some of the by-products of falling for you.

In sum, it was like a sleep- slow at the beginning and then all of a sudden.

Now, I know we can’t be together. I am supposed to get over you. I am supposed to move on. But I really don’t want to. I know I have to. I will. Just give me some time.

I know you would be leaving in a few weeks and after that, we will rarely meet. But I will cherish all the time, however little it was, I spent with you. Those moments will stay with me for long. I hope and I would make conscious efforts to ensure they do not become toxic. That they don’t become my ‘what we could have been’ moments rather than ‘what we were’.

I am not sure how good a company I was to you, but I had a really good time with you. I hope you would look past my idiosyncrasies, inhibitions and my sometimes (or often) ridiculous English. More importantly, I hope wherever you are and whatever you do, you have something to smile about. Always.

People say everything we look for is also looking for us too. I really hope someday it is true for me.

A well wisher
Devashish

P.S. I’d miss you.