Luc Jacobs

Ch. 7 - 1st chapter in Part 3 (Devices-rethinking this title, but it seems to work)

 

 

I loved him. I know they say there’s no such thing as love at first sight, but I swear it happened that way. Luc and I met through a mutual friend who I was dating at the time…some might call it ironic, or they’ll just call me a w***e for pursuing it but it was fate. He was kind of crazy. Okay so he was a lot crazy, like borderline between schizoid and I don’t freaking know what else but in a good way. I loved him. It was straight out of one of those teeny bop movies, you know like a Sixteen Candles without the birthday or something more or less modern like She’s all That without the geeky art student and prom court. Allen—Luc’s friend I was dating—and I were registering students at St Joseph’s to vote for the upcoming elections. Everyone assumed I was a democrat, so they listened to me and not only registered but chose parties…I’m pretty sure 90% of the students that registered became registered democrats as a result…anyway Luc came. Allen brought him along and immediately the sparks were flying. We talked non-stop about our respective histories, our present experience and of course the future. By the end of our first meeting I knew he’d dated minimally, had about 9 siblings, wanted to be an entrepreneur, loved basketball, was 5’11 but still could dunk, and most importantly he was a free agent—single and not currently dating—which was a amazing because so was Dana my best friend who happened to think he was cute.

       It didn’t take long for both of us to realize setting Luc and Dana up was a pretty bad idea. They only that one thing in common…they were both Gemini ergo crazy as all hell and a very unstable combination. She was happy crazy and he was serious crazy. Dana loved to have a good time—which involved liquor, a club, random strangers, etc.—she couldn’t stand him. I remember their date—movie then dinner. Well dinner was cut short because they repulsed each other. He wanted a “smart girl” type, but someone who was always on some I’m a genius s**t. Dana was pretty brilliant but she was a clown, and I guess he felt there was only room for one clown—him—in any relationship, no matter how new. She called me after the date—why’d I set them up? He was a jackass? She hated him—almost in tears. Luc called me for a follow up as well—I thought you said she was just like you? Why’d you set me up with her she is not my type? Her hair is pretty—she’s pretty but—very disappointed.

       I couldn’t believe my ears. I agonized by the possibility. I wondered how Dana would feel about it—how would Allen take this? Before Luc, I spent most of the time going along with something out of sheer boredom. I’d always been interested in men, but for some reason my ideal type always lacked interest—except Luc. I convinced myself that no harm could come from talking. We were friends—friends talk, friends hang out. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t scared then we’d lose all that time. Or what if we went along in secret—Dana and Allen didn’t need to know.      

       And then it started. The combination of guilt and lust almost drove me mad. I kept thinking about dating Allen and meeting Luc. Why did I make so many bad decisions? Would Luc and I ever really be together? Could I be trusted? Could he? But I wanted him. I wanted to be with him then and I hoped it would be forever…I told Dana. It was in November, two days after my 20^th birthday when I realized. At least that’s when the s**t hit the fan so to speak. I felt like a horrible person for it; and I apologized for it, but you can’t help who  you love, right? Well, I don’t know about that either. I told Dana that I loved him so much that I cried myself to bed every night wondering if we could ever be right. She freaked.

-Why’d you set us up knowing that you liked him?

-I don’t know, I just-

-You just what?

-I thought if I set you up I wouldn’t like him anymore.

-But you were with Allen; I thought you liked Allen…

-He was interesting

-What the hell Rhea? Why would you even put us through that? That’s so selfish.

-I’m sorry

She clicked. She had a right to be upset. Who the hell did I think I was, using her like that, and Allen too. She told Allen. The s**t really hit the fan then. I felt like I would die. He called me…I ignored his calls. He left three messages:

Rhea I don’t why you’re not getting your phone, but I need to talk to you about Luc. Dana told me what’s going on and I think I deserve to hear it from you it’s the least you can do call me back.

       Why’d he have to be so persistent? He kept calling, and his messages got angrier…

Rhea what the f—I thought we were going to work things out? Why the f—haven’t you returned my calls? I know about you and Luc. I told you we were cousins but…f—b***h!

       I used to think fall was my favorite season until…I spoke to Luc. Everything was going to be ok. We could be together. He had to leave. He had to go to Richfield. S**t. All alone, I was fighting with Dana and avoiding Allen. I screwed everything up, and Luc left.

Before he told me he loved me, he was always there. He was my shoulder to cry on, my listening ear. It was my fault. I told him to take Dana out. Now who really comes out of their face and set the man that they love up with their best friend. So I told him, it was fine now, we could be together. You ever get that extra special moment during a conversation where you’re sure you’re going to marry this guy if you tell him how you truly feel? That’s what I had that night. So I said, “This is weird but, I like you.” Over the phone too, what a jackass?

       And Luc liked me too. For the first time ever reciprocated love. I was so stoked. I wanted to give myself to him right then and there. The signs:

       He would disappear for weeks at a time and the only contact I would have with him would be the poems he posted “for me”. He was quite the charmer. I wanted him to meet my family, I wanted them to love him and accept him as I had, but he didn’t want to meet my family. First, he wanted me to meet his mom, and then he changed his mind. I don’t know where he worked. Did he even have a job? He did…storage, right! I told myself he did. I never paid; he always took the check when we went out. Doubt:

       He told me he was an ex-Con. He wasn’t what I needed, I could do better. Sounds like the perfect gentleman on paper, but there was nothing truly laud-like about him. He’d tell me he loved me and wanted me there but then he’d act like it never happened. Where’s there? Utah. That was my sanctuary before I met him, then he told me it was his destination, fate. We were going to buy property, get married, have 2 and a half kids; and be happy together forever. I missed a beat. He didn’t let me catch up. He left.

       It’s difficult, when you’re sure that the person you’ve poured your heart out to, is your soul mate, and they’re too scared to hold on as much as you do. He was so good. Sometimes I wish...I wish I didn't spend so much time wondering what would have been with us, and for once I'd made the first move. I was so caught up in what ifs, and paralyzed the actions I had to take in order to make personal growth successful. "He's just not that into you" is the idea that would more than likely come to mind...but the fact that he kept in contact day after day, month after month, year after year...isn't that all the clarity I should need. Shouldn't his mediocre actions and insufficient words clue me in on his inadequacy? Perhaps he had a valid point years ago when he said I deserved better than he could give me. Was he thinking in finality? Or did he mean in that moment, our moment, in time. Consequently, his admission yields only one outcome...my incessant adoration and wanton. Despite his obvious instability, I wanted Luc. Because who, if anyone has absolute stability? And who is happy in such a state of mental, physical, and emotional stagnation. My sanity relies so much on this dream that has yet to come to pass. I never thought I’d see his face again…

Author's Note

how do u feel about the set up of his chapter in relation to ch. 6? Just let me have it on this and the next two chapters...cause i'm telling myself they're good but that could just be my EGO