4th of April

This is meant to be read exactly as it's written. Some words are emphasized, some are screamed out loud. Inspired by the style of Sarah Kane and her amazing monologues.

You think I pretend

but I don’t

so don’t call me a hypocrite cause the feelings were real and when I smiled I really smiled and when I laughed I really laughed only the laughter wasn’t deep enough to fill the emptiness inside of me but that does not make me a hypocrite cause when I hold you and tell you to stop crying I’m trying to hold you so tight that the emptiness is squeezed out and it’s the exact way I would want you to hold me only that my lungs are too deep and my pain is too big and if you want to make me feel good you’d have to make me laugh and laugh and laugh and you would have to hold and hold and hold me and we both KNOW that I’m needy as f**k and you’re elusive as f**k and it’s not a combination that works cause I cling while you fly and I cry while you laugh and we are both impossible and SHE..yes SHE is so much better for you cause I crave and I burn and she’s calm like an ocean or well that’s what I’ve heard but sometimes, just sometimes all I need is someone to hold me but don’t call me selfish cause I would do almost anything for you and I don’t fully know you and all I know is that you are going to be gone soon and that I should stop now before I fall down into the well cause down there I’ll be surrounded by wet and dark and sticky self-pity and I’ll be looking up at the light and wondering if you’ll come help me up just to realise that you’re already gone and I’ll start hating you for leaving me but you won’t have a clue cause you don’t really care now do you? and you don’t really know now do you? and IF you know then you hide it well cause not once have I talked to you and seen that flash of love in your eyes that I try to hide every time I look at you and don’t read too much into this cause love can mean so many different things and the way I love you is not the way I love other things. It’s more secret than that. It’s darker than that. 

It’s more beautiful than that. 

Reviews

[Matthew Kult]

An interesting piece and I was a little worried when i first saw the format set up that it would just bleed into itself and be too much....but i think i the end its perfect it. it shows and allows the poem to flow showing a bit of desperation, anxiety, and unease. Great work. Excellent.

Regards,

Matthew

[J.A.N]

Goodness, there's so much emotion flowing through this.
So much emotion and my eyes were watery and my oh, my -
Thank you for sharing. I don't even think I can explain how great
this write is. It's intense, so amazing. There's no doubt I will read this again.