NewDay

It’s peaceful outside,

White and Snowy,

Like the peace color, all over the ground.

All over the trees,

All over the everything.

It’s snow storming outside,

too much peace, in color.

It’s minus ten outside, and I am drinking black tea with orange blossoms (Bahar Narenj) in it,

While looking into floating peace from the window, everywhere,

In memory of the smell of mom’s tea making tradition, in memory of this very special night, back there, back home.

Here, pointed out in calendar, and there, pointed out on calendar and nature,

Today is 21st of March, 1st day of spring, and the World Poetry Day.

And the almond tree in our yard has blossoms

And the apple tree in our yard has blossoms

And the dark brown garden’s soil has hugged the roots of many purple and yellow violas

And all over the walls, jasmines and jasmines, and too much smell

Too much smell, there.

Too many colors,

And spring is starting there, out of the calendar.

Exactly in 3 hours and 4 minutes,

And all I see through my retina, is this perfect peace color outside,

this harsh snow storm.

I close my eyes, and what I see not through my retina,

is that colorful smelly spring.

Open my eyes,

close my eyes,

open my eyes,

close my eyes.

There are differences between here and there,

As big as the vision differences through or not through retina.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem is very good. Just need a few reverse verbs and adjectives. I study German and Spanish. In some languages the verbs can lead. You had good description and I like the places you took me in the poem. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[Atoosa]

Thanks dear Coyote

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Atoosa

Thank you for sharing this poem; this my first chance to review your writing.

My reviews can be quite long. But I shall try to keep this more concise, at least for me!

Style: I would tag this as poetry in prose. Rhyme does not interfere. It need not. It works for me. I like the repetition of opening and closing eyes. See senses below.

However, perhaps because it is so unstructured, I felt a little put off at times, as if this could simply be a piece of prose and not written in lines as if it were a poem. Take that with a pinch of salt and my sole adverse critique. I shall not bother you with grammar either.

Senses: I am impressed that you manage to capture four of the five: Sight; hearing; taste; smell. You only miss touch. Reference to all senses builds depth, sensation for the reader. I also like the way in which you feel overpowered by them. There is almost too much to absorb. I stand back with your words and feel the same sense of bewilderment.

Cultural: Bayar Narenj threw me. I do not know the word. So I had to look it up and found the Iranian touch. I like to learn new things when I read. It is the writer's gift to the reader. When young, reading books ahead of my age, I used to love discovering words I had never come across and wrote them down to remember. The reader who skims and just wants a quick fix, may dislike. But stay true to you.

Peace and symbolism: Until I read this piece and researched the link between peace and the colour white, I knew nothing of the psychological link. Again you have taught me something. The lazy reader would baulk at it. Well then let them baulk. A writer's job is to lift us out of our worlds in my view and transport us to places or notions we have not ever experienced or if we have, not in a long time.

Spring: My favourite season. Yet the link between the new growth and the blankness of the snow makes a sharp and intriguing contrast.

General views: This poem is very personal and a positive view of life and you bought me in.

My take for what little it is worth.

My only request? Write and present more on here.

And if this review serves as encouragement for you to do so, I shall be pleased.

With my warmest regards

James

[Atoosa]

James, thanks for the amount of details you provide me here. Such a great feeling about this opportunity and these improvement ideas. I will post more and more here and it is a great pleasure to read your reviews :).

Thanks

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Atoosa

I look forward to reviewing more of your writing soon,

With my best wishes,

James

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Ok I will be more forensic than kind Jacob. It has a feel of a very nice poem but it needs the flow improved and the use of English language improved as there are many syntax errors. I am happy to help with this if you like?

[Atoosa]

I would love this, John. Thanks. That is exactly where I am now: improving and improving

[jacob erin-cilberto]

third line i would make it "like the color of peace, all over the ground"

the line is a bit awkward..

i like the idea in here of peace, but then too much peace--
too much white...it is almost a metphor for how there can be good things in life, but too much can be negative...too much snow..then too much smell of spring..

i like the close/open lines...the juxtaposition of peace vs. monotony...

i would leave out the last line..i think the line before is a really good closer.

jacob

[Atoosa]

Thanks so much Jacob,