Vicious Race

After a battle scene-- Princess Mara meets Lord K'narf for a final match

 

 

Mara, The Mid-Night Rose princess heard the footsteps outside the palace doors several seconds before Lord K’narf arrived. The warning gave her enough time to stand in a combatant position. A moment later, K’narf was waiting by the entrance, alert. He looked around the Royal Hall and noticed the littered bodies. Most of the dead were of his species, and that was too much for him to take.

Vampires exhibited characteristics superior to humans. Their superior hearing gave them the necessary advantage to sneak up on prey. However, looking around the room told a different story.

Mara, was five feet four and weighed just about 130 pounds, but she stood much taller, and looked far more formidable than her mere stats suggested. Her hair was light brown and cropped back to keep it out of her fair-skinned face. No blemishes, but she did have battle scars. Men in the village found the scars to be very attractive. But because of Lord K’narf’s vampires invading the village, she never had the time to seek out a permanent mate.

" Lord K’narf," she said relaxed. " Wondering why your soldiers were defeated?"

The vampire lord shook his head. " It was not my intention to misjudge you Mara. This was merely a test of your developments. We have no shame in failure."

" Not yet," Mara said. " But when I defeat you, it’s not the shame you need to worry about...it’s certain death."

He grinned sheepishly.

She approached the vampire and nodded curtly, a gesture he returned.

Without hesitation, the vampire produced his own concealed hand weapon. He swung and missed, and Mara kicked him in the chest. He dropped his knife before she could see, and deception ran through his cold mind.

" Princess Mara," he said holding both hands in the air. " No weapons."

" Drop your..."

He smiled.

" Hand to hand?"

" No other way."

Biting her lower lip, she had no choice but to comply. It was her upbringing, and a hand to hand combat was in her family blood. She dropped her weapon and he pounced. He was very powerful and fast. He was standing behind her with his eyes burning on her neck.

" You come quick, like all the men I’ve dated."

K’narf laughed.

She moved.

Then his pale face became serious as he fell into a seated position.

Mara, who had drawn herself into a crouched position directly in front of him, her hand reaching for the dagger shoved into his chest.

" I don’t know how you did it," he said as he removed a cigar from his lapel and bit the tip off. He looked for a wooden match and found one. He lit the cigar, and took two small puffs. " I got this cigar from your future."

She looked puzzled.

" We traveled into you future," he started explaining. " But the weapons you humans invented, well, they could destroy the world. We can’t live without humans to feed on. So we came back here."

" Looks like you can’t live here either."

He smiled and puffed.

" You look tired," she said.

" I thought I had you beat," he replied.

She stood, placed the dagger in her belt all in one motion. " You thought wrong."

K’narf coughed.

Mara took the cigar out of his mouth and headed for the doors.

" Mara," he muscled.

She stopped took a few puffs from the cigar, but didn’t turn around.

" They say that cigar smoking could kill you."

She took a few more puffs. " Yeah, and they also said Lord K’narf could kill me too."

 

Reviews

[Tom Benson]

Very nicely done Frank. A good snappy intro followed by tight dialogue and plenty of ongoing action. I particularly like the fact that the female of the species wasn't predetermined to failure. Nice touch. I will get back to read more. This was entertaining, which is why we read. Isn't it? Thank you. Tom

[Dark-skinned warrior]

Before I go into the review I just want to point out that a) I'm new to the site and the idea of reviewing other people's work, and b) what I say will be based more on my own personal preferences and writing experience rather than being similar to, say, a professional-style critique. One day I hope to be capable of the latter but for now I just hope what I put is helpful.

With regards to structure I liked the way the first quarter or so was a tad bulkier, getting the necessary details and a little background information in before firing into the short, sharp shots of the rest of the story.
The rest was very much a 'blink and you'll miss it affair', which I do like. However I feel that there was one sentence which jolted the quick flowing nature of the story:

"Mara, who had drawn herself into a crouched position directly in front of him, her hand reaching for the dagger shoved into his chest."

I had to read this twice and backtrack a couple of sentences before it made sense to me; might I suggest removing the first comma and the word 'who'?
The only other things I'd like to mention are are that a few commas and full stops feel either misplaced and/or unnecessary and that, with it being such a short tale, the repeated use of certain words, for example 'superior', close together really stands out to me and slightly lessens my feeling of involvement as a reader (though in fairness I myself am the opposite, being far too over enthusiastic with the synonyms tool on my word processor).

Oh and I had a lovely little chuckle at the sexual reference.