Failed To Scream

Death, drama

 

The air was moist

it hugged him like steam,

the pain dug into his heart

but he failed to scream,

as he felt his insides being torn apart.

Here the air was a prisoner,

trying to escape his lungs,

he felt the cold pavement,

beneath him, warm,

like a summer storm,

that gently passes by,

as it just adds color to the sky.

Death came like a friendly presence,

a mild essence, with some distaste,

a brief notion made,

and it was out of haste,

death adjusted to life again,

and it dried out his nose and eyes,

then he felt the bullet holes,

he prays, then dies.

Reviews

[Hairy and Confused]

Crystalline. Very well done. I especially love hugged him like steam

But the line "and it was with haste" is jarring. There are so many words that rhyme with 'distaste', that line seems like an afterthought. Also, "death coming like a friendly presence, with some distaste", sounds wrong to me. I think I know what you're trying to say, but you need to say it differently.

Otherwise, this is a great poem.