The Smell of Hospitals in Winter

"All at once you look across a crowded room to see the way that light attaches to a girl."

 

“Ashley, wait.” The words hung in the air like a dead thing. I didn’t think she’d even turn around, I was already wishing her chestnut curls goodbye. My mind was already preparing itself for a shock, the realization that it was over. This wasn’t my reality anymore but if she turned around I had one last chance. One more chance to make it right, to fix this broken life that I have sewn for myself.

Her body paused in the doorway, her posture stiff. She was reluctant to turn but she was also reluctant to leave. Maybe she was feeling it too, that there was too much to lose if she did this now.

Slowly, slowly that pretty head began to turn. There were tears in her eyes and a look of pure vulnerability on her face.

“What do you want now?” her voice was raspy and strained.

My shoulders slouched limply at my sides; I didn’t know what to say now. That I loved her. That I had fucked up bad this time. That she couldn’t leave because I had no idea who I was without her. Maybe if I could just explain things. Maybe if she understood how much I cared and how I never knew how to show it. She scared me; I had never felt anything as intense until she came around. She was a vixen, creating chaos deep within me and the urgent fear that I must never lose her.

If I could only say sorry.

“You’re giving me that look again,” she continued, her eyes searching my blank expression, unable to see the world shattering through my eyes. “Like you don’t even care. You never did, did you?” Her voice was steadily getting louder. “If you did you would have stopped! Stopped the drinking, stop the drugs, but you couldn’t do that. You couldn’t even give up that for me!”

I had forgotten about that glass of whiskey knotted between my fingers. Subconsciously I took a sip. My lips couldn’t move, it was as if my vocal cords had given up on me, they were as pathetic as I was.

I wanted to tell her that I couldn’t do it alone. That I needed her and if I could do it again I would have done anything. I would have stopped but not without her help. I wanted to tell her how I was a weak excuse of a man and that she deserved better but that she would never find someone who loved her like I did.

“You’re not going to say anything?” The tears were streaming down her cheeks now. And like that the door slammed and I was left alone.

She always threatened to leave but I never dreamed she would. Without a word she was gone, not even a “goodbye” or an “I’m sorry”. I couldn’t do it.

Hand shaking, I brought the whiskey back to my lips and downed the rest of it. Now the tears were coming, hot like acid burning my cheeks. They were falling a second too late. If they had come just minutes sooner maybe she would understand and see how much it hurt to see her go.

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The phone rang early one morning much to my surprise. There had been no signs of life in the house for weeks, even I represented nothing more than a shell of a person now.

It only took a night and well into the first morning for me to finish every ounce of alcohol in the house, we never did have much to begin with. I didn’t even realize when it was gone; it wasn’t just the whisky that was making me numb. My mind had shut down, I didn’t feel mad, I wasn’t lonely. I couldn’t feel anything. The days past in a blur, I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. I can’t even remember getting up to take a piss. My body was paralyzed.

So why the hell was the phone ringing? Curled up on the carpet, I looked up to the counter where the phone was perched. The irritating sound woke me up for the first time in days, bringing me back to reality.

A weight fell in my stomach forcing the tears to well up in my eyes again.

Somehow, my legs got my weak body up. As soon as I was off the ground a sudden rush to my head sent me off guard. Weeks without food could do that to a person.

My shaky hand reached for the receiver.

“Mr. Griffin?” A metallic voice sounded from the other end. “Mr. Griffin is that you?”

A gurgling sound escaped my lips.

“It’s Ashley Christopher, there’s been an accident. You may want to get to the hospital as soon as you can.”

The receiver fell to the ground where I once lay.

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I remember the smell of her skin, like rain showers and roses. The way her eyes sparked when she smiled and how she was too shy to admit that she liked night time the best.  How she snorted when she laughed and curled the strands of hair around her finger when she was nervous. The sun tattoo on her wrist and the way she looked when she cried.

I’ll never forget the man I was when I was in her arms.
I’ll never forget the look she gave me when she left.

Somewhere in the universe there’s a girl with milky brown eyes and gold in her hair that deserves more than a man like me.

Somewhere here on Earth there’s a man, beaten and bloody and broken, who wants a second chance. Who would give everything he could to see that girl’s smile again, to have her in his arms.

I will always feel the accident was my fault. I couldn’t take care of her, I couldn’t protect her. My love was never enough. How could I save her, f**k I can’t save myself.

The world is a scary place without her. I don’t know who I am, I may never find out.

I just want one more chance, I would give it all but I would never give up.

What I wouldn’t do to see her with life in her eyes, and the soft purr of her heartbeat.

I just want to be forgiven.

 

Author's Note

enjoy!

Reviews

[Seracies]

From the beginning I felt the essence of the man, you captured his character perfectly. In the beginning he was so small and so undecided, it was all very real, from her emotions to his lack of emotions.
I really liked the second part, how pathetic he was and yet still true to the man that he was when she was there. There was a brutal, almost dirty, desperate feel to the entire thing that really worked for me.
The last paragraph was great, with remembering those first days and cherished moments of happiness. I loved this line:
"I just want one more chance, I would give it all but I would never give up."
Good job!