Waiting

An intense subjective stream of consciousness, with no stops delving into the conundrums of depression and sexual frustrations! *NOTE this is by no means a immaculate or free of error just streamin'.

What is beautiful? Well everything is ever so green this year. That is very pretty. The natural environment in general Is lush and attractive. My hobbies are beautiful too, as well as my work ethic, in regards to school mainly. The infinite ecosystem in which we reside is breath taking and I can’t, and you cant even fathom it. Amazing.

                Dark shadows seem to loom over the human conscience inevitably and indefinitely. You could have achieved all of your material and spiritual goals and still be fretting. It cannot be helped. All of our heroes past and present have had their fair share of woes, permanent happiness is a myth, if it was ever a legend. The peak of the mountain is just as lonely as its base, if not more desolate. There is no end to the game, but a continuous evolution of playing fields, rules and obstacles. Depression is a coding error in the human interface, there is no known cure, and it affects every one of us at one point or another. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, but there will always be a second tunnel just up ahead waiting.

                I can’t really tell if I have rid my depressions or they are just hiding under my evolving conscience. Either way my above thesis is supported I suppose. They surface from time to time, binging on THC products don’t seem to help, not that I expected it too, but, I wasn’t expecting it to give me mood swings. That was naive of me considering I have been forewarned about such side effects, but, I’m immune to everything right? The older I get the more I understand how not immune to my surroundings I actually am. That is just aging though. I’m full of dastardly over used clichés today, I try to avoid them at all costs, however this is me projecting my consciousness into tiny lit up pixels, made possible by tiny bytes of data all sitting on the basis of a 1 or a 0.

                I could be totally of base here but this is how I am going to rationalize it. In our human culture, those of applicable age are ostracized for their lack of sexual experience. As a species eager to repopulate and carry on our blood line, the absence of sexual encounters (of the opposite sex because of my reproduction-ish theory) causes a very dare I say depressing disconnection from our own species. “I have not had sex, therefore the opposite sex must not accept me, and therefore I am not accepted by my people.” This is precisely how the natural depression comes in.

                The other side of this coin is our conscience. Our sub conscience wants to reproduce, and our conscience feels the pressure of the responsibility to make this happen. This is unfortunate considering the conscience is prone to depression, and highly susceptible to rejection, and self confusion. The sub conscience knows precisely what it desires at all times, however, it’s right hand man conscience is a blundering idiot who cant think straight half of the time.

                “Does she like me, do I look good, should I be vain, I shouldn’t be vain, I’m too needy, I’m not intuitive enough, I’m not inquisitive enough, I’m too fat I’m too skinny, she likes me, no no wait she doesn’t, I came on too strong, I dint come on strong enough, I should have went for it.”

                You probably should have went for it. No. You definitely should have went for it, if you don’t act on your desires, you’re ignoring your sub conscience, and remember? it is always positive in what it needs, wants and exactly how to get it.

“but she’s a s**t, she doesn’t have a good personality, you just want

her for the sex, who the f**k cares.”

Who the f**k does care? You apparently, maybe you should stop making those assumptions and those damned excuses and move on with your life,but, whatever you decide live with it. 

                So what is next where do I go from here, why do I feel so utterly rejected by society, when that in reality that isn’t the case at all. Why is it that sitting alone at a few shows can bring me into a stooping depression, and hours of stimulating human interaction does nothing. Is it because it is mainly male energy that I am surrounded with. I am completely unbalanced in that regard, yet, I am naturally afraid of female interaction, sexually viable ones at least. I tense up and am not myself around sexually viable women, a product of being an average timid teenager I suppose, its sure to bad I’m not better friends with sub conscience, as you could see we had a little bit of a heated chat above here. In fact I cannot even be so sure that was actually him because we are so badly disconnected.

                It’s challenging and discomforting to think that millions on consciences have thought these exact thoughts I am thinking right now, because of course this is not unprecedented concepts I write about. I really try to be unprecedented, that gives me comfort, in fact as a I use the word “unprecedented” in that context I can feel the lump in my throat subside and the heaviness in my eyes and mind drift off a little like mist from a mountain’s peak. Too bad there is always more mist. Waiting. Waiting waiting.

Author's Note

Please ignore grammatical errors, because that is by no means the purpose of this article, and if that is how you define this piece then it is not for you.