Lost or Found?

A Story by Ashley Camden

This is me!

Something I am learning right now is how important faith is for someone's soul. I grew up in the christian church and I know how important it is and I know everything the bible says is true. What I am having a hard time with is the fact that I have lost enthusiasm about what I believe. I used to devour christian reading material because I sought out to be a better person but somewhere between getting back from Australia and going back to school and going through some rough stuff I am feeling pretty lost right now.

I want to be who I was in high school. So afraid to fall away from my faith that I didn't watch or listen to earthly music or movies. I isolated myself from the world and when I entered society as a high school grad and a married woman I have found myself exposed to everything. I told myself that I was a prude and needed to stop being so naive about life and let myself be exposed. Now I see what good that did to me. I am seeing that being a prude and naive isn't that bad of an idea. There really isn't anything wrong with isolating myself from what the world enjoys and does, like getting drunk, partying while you're young, and living for independence and freedom as an individual. Well that's not how God designed it. I am sorry I listened to the world. I have broken my own heart too many times and I can't trust it anymore. Sorrow fills my every indulgence and selfish thought. I can't and won't do it anymore. I want to be obedient to what I was taught in church. I tried to find my identity in the world and that didn't work out. I was smart in high school. I am not stupid or immature for wanting my old self back. I am seeing that being a desperate teenage girl in love with the Lord isn't wrong. It's what God wanted all along. While I don't seek to become a teenager, I do seek the desperation I had as a seventeen year old girl. I don't care what people say, or that I am different and socially unacceptable for that either. I will be remembered and celebrated in the Kingdom of Heaven, and that is the place to be. I will die on earth a nobody and I am okay with that. But I will not let the world steal my soul. It's taken and being stored in heaven where it, and I, belong.

" The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And those who know your name will put their trust in you, For You Lord have not forsaken those who seek you."(Psalms 9:9-10)

I am tired of running from the one I should be running too. I should know better. God isn't hateful or mean. I have known love stronger than any worldly love. I have known wooing as no man has ever hope to compare too. God never left me.I am seeing that now. Even now my fingers glide across the keyboard like the beautiful piano music I listen to. Guided by the spirit compelling me to just let my heart go straight to my fingers. I may not become a great authoress but if somebody reads what I write and finds hope and prayerfully even the unequivocal love I have known then my job has been done. Tonight I am choosing not to be afraid of my faith and it's ups and downs. I am going to embrace my journey and let it be. AMEN!!!! Hallelujah for closure and heavenly peace. Jesus really is the ultimate companion for lonely and hurting individuals. I hope that God can use my life to be a beacon of hope for others who are having identity issues from the media, like myself. Life isn't all about the struggles, it's about what you learn and gain from the struggles. Struggles and pain aren't something to be ashamed of. I used to be and tonight find no reason to be. A very wise man once said, " Brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.But let patience have it's perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing." ( James 1:2) I believe that. God is good to instill good character in his children. I haven't been the best or most faithful of his children but I am strong like him and don't give up easily. It's by his will that his strength has saved me from the clutches of death. He has something pretty great planned if he hasn't let me let go yet. There is no question that when I have wanted to let go he shows up and says, " No Way, come back my dear one." He hold on to me for dear life when I loosen my grip. I know God's faithfulness first hand. I won't deny his existence and power. Our God is an AWESOME GOD!!!!

© 2014 Ashley Camden

Author's Note

This material is not a sample of work to be read with the intent to impress. This is for me to get out how I am feeling and sort out who I am and what I am good for. Comments are welcomed of course but writing is my outlet.