Daylight

A description of me walking in the day.

My shoes crunch and crackle like nighttime fireworks
Spreading my arms, as I run across the bright plains
The sun caressed my face, like a mother to a child
Grass leans beneath me

The clouds wisp across the blue sea, spreading its white wings
The faces on the clouds communicate it all
Happiness, enjoyment, comfort, like a child jumping
The puffy siblings race across their parents
Eager to get to the sun first

Stumbling, my shoes come across a stream
A water bug soars across the blue blanket, getting its next meal
Bending my ankles, I see myself on the other side
Like a crystal clear mirror with waves
Up above flies a falcon
It's feathers glistening and blowing against the air

Trees watch over me
Their tall statues comforting me
Their hands filled with sunshine
Oh how the day is beautiful

Author's Note

I tried to fix the errors of my last poem, "Night Sky". Did it fix most of those errors, or are they still present? Are my verbs powerful, or not so? Did it still hold the amount of description?

Reviews

[briget_01]

You really hit the mark with this one! I noticed how you incorporated more similes and metaphors, and they definitely complement your writing. I was truly able to picture everything you detailed wrote about, I love it! Brightness and overall happy things are what I picture going along with this poem. You did a great job creating a whole separate happy world in your poem good job!!!

~cheers

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much! I did as much as I could to fix the errors. Glad they were noticed!

[SariahM]

[Terry O'Leary]

Great imagery... well done!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!

[TravelinAlaskan]

WATER BUGS CAN FLY!!!
This could be manipulated into an grate summer poem.

TA

[Ashley Arita]

Yeah, I guess i was thinking the water bug was jumping or something. Glad you enjoyed it!

[TravelinAlaskan]

I've only ever seen one so I don't know.

[iand63]

this is more succinct, and sometimes less is more. There are no words written that are written in error, if they hold meaning for you then they are not wrong :)

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you! Very true. If the words mean something, then all the more reason to write them right?

[MelissaAndres]

Very good! You have a way of painting a picture with your descriptive words. I enjoyed this! Wonderful job!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you!

[Jimmy Yetts]

Lovely imagery; clever craftsmanship.
A delightful read!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much for reading! I appreciate it!

[Autumn Lyric]

Thank you for sharing this wonderful day!! this poem is very descriptive and as the reader I can use all of the senses you conveyed here very well: the sound of the leaves crunching, seeing the clouds (good use of metaphor, seeing them as children racing to the warmth of the sun), even the water bug careening over the waters,( I could envision the ripples made by his tiny insect feet!) and of course, the falcon, its wings not only glistening, but I can hear them flutter and see him soaring...any other sensations needed, just keep exercising your descriptive writing more. I love using a thesaurus and a dictionary and I am always reading other works from other poets from libraries, thrift stores, and the like. even such environments add fuel to my own writing...don't be afraid to experiment with other forms of poetry and writing. Keep up the good work and I look forward to reading more! -LHh

[Ashley Arita]

I'm really glad you enjoyed it! I'll be sure to put good similes and metaphors and descriptions.

[JessicaRose]

on first read, i really enjoyed the imagery; however, there's a few areas where the subject/object doesn't match (first line, second stanza) and areas that are a bit wordy, but I think that might be due to the the excessive use of pronouns and articles (lots of 'a's, 'an's, and 'the's). some of them are necessary, but some of them can be pulled out... i.e. "The sun caressed my face, like mother to child". May also want to add punctuation (only because you are using proper cases) as that can really break up the phrasing for the reader.

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you for reading! I'll be sure to make use of your advice.

[Colene Pefley]

This is a lovely, descriptive poem. It gives a clear picture of the setting and atmosphere. Beautiful. I like how you described the sun like a mother's touch. Excellent description throughout.

[Ashley Arita]

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[John Butler]

The expression is vivid and thought provoking in this beautiful write.Especially the last stanza.The descriptions are wonderful and invite the reader into the scene.The theme of Nature and our interaction and appreciation of the simple pleasures in life are captured and engage the fortunate reader to contemplate and reflect on our most basic common link...Nature

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much! I'm really glad you appreciate it! Nature paints a rich picture, doesn't it?

[J.A. Darling]

Amazing, definitely paints a picture. Good Job, two thumbs up

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you!