Night Sky

What I would feel when I walk at nighttime.

I walk, and I stumble, I walk, but I see
I see the dark arrows swift pass me with their gleaming eyes
Their washcloths pounce against the night sky, enough to carry them
My shoes lead me to a cobble stone road
Where the stone has scratch marks embedded
I take a step, feeling the air pass my skin

Following the stone path, I feel the air racing me like race cars
I feel the moon brightening the path beyond me
I see a pair of eyes, glistening on a plant
Moving forward, I end at a brick wall
A wall who's face is empty and barren
Water trickles beside it, making sounds of tears and rain

Turning my position around and looking at the stars, I see
Millions of raindrops sprinkling
Accompanying the ball of light beside them
Moving like ballerinas, spinning their skirts
What a wonderful night

Author's Note

Do you think it is descriptive enough, or it needs more description?

Reviews

[Ivy]

Very nice, great imagery!
Especially love:
"A wall who's face is empty and barren
Water trickles beside it, making sounds of tears and rain"

Very vivid personification! Love it!


(btw, did you mean "whose" instead of "who's"? Just checking...)

[Ashley Arita]

I'm really glad you enjoyed it! It's supposed to be who's because I considered the wall a person I guess. You know, tears and all.

[jesserose99]

oh, definitely descriptive enough...the last stanza blows me away. The imagery is the strongest part of the poem to me, I can really place myself there. Beautiful work.

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much! Imagery is my favorite part about a poem! Glad you enjoyed it!

[iand63]

i like the immediacy of the experience in this well done

[Ashley Arita]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[MelissaAndres]

Very nice, Ashley! I really like your descriptions and the feel of your poem.

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Michael Stevens]

A fine poem, and its descriptive enough for me, but I'm hardly an expert--what do YOU think?

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you for reading it! I think, in my honest opinion that I could've done better, especially with similes and metaphors. I have put more similes and metaphors in my future poems, but I feel that as soon as I post the poem, it feels empty already. There is just so much going on my head that I can't fit it in one poem. If so, it would honestly become a epic. To sum things up, I feel I could've added more things, but I like it the way it is.

[Michael Stevens]

I know what you mean about having all kinds of ideas going on in your head--almost as soon as I finish writing something, I'll move on to something else. If I reread something from years gone by, I'll think, 'What was I thinking there?' Don't get me wrong, I still am reasonably satisfied, but the things I wrote yesterday could benefit from what I know today. I especially feel this about my editing skills. I've learned a lot since I first started, but I've got such a big backlog, there's no way I can fix them all, so I just keep writing.

[Ashley Arita]

Thanks for responding. Keep writing on! Don't worry about your past mistakes and keep moving forward! It teaches you more and makes you feel confident!

[Michael Stevens]

Oh, I'm going to keep writing, for worse or worser!

[Michael Stevens]

I didn't mean to suggest I would get so down, I would ever give it up. I know it's not polite to talk favorably about one's own writing, but I think I'm an okay writer!

[Ashley Arita]

I think so too.

[Michael Stevens]

Well, thank you!

[Ashley Arita]

Your welcome!

[Terry O'Leary]

Yes, it's very descriptive.... wonderful... I don't think one could 'fit' more description in... ;-))

[Ashley Arita]

I'm glad you enjoyed it!

[Colene Pefley]

I will be honest. I like this one better than Daylight. Only because I like this setting more, not because of the language or style. It's set beautifully. The last verse is my favorite. The line, "Moving like ballerinas, spinning their skirts" is an excellent description.

[Ashley Arita]

Im glad you enjoyed it! I love writing about the night more than the day. There just seems to be more similes and metaphors available for me to use.

[Colene Pefley]

That is definitely true. There are also more beautiful words to use.

[Ashley Arita]

Very true!

[Nadia_2]

The poem has really amazing natural imagery that leads to a vivid picture building in the mind of the reader , a beautiful night. For me, you saved the best for last "Moving like ballerinas, spinning their skirts
What a wonderful night" Love it!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much!

[Joshua McNay]

I really like this. Good use of visuals and is descriptive enough where if I close my eyes I can picture it. Kudos.

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you!

[hormelchili]

I absolutely adore night time and all it has to offer. I feel you've captured a lot of exactly what I love in this poem. The freedom and the beauty the moment you look up! A wonderful write, really! Shelfing this one right into my library! Thank you for the beautiful poem and all its descriptive glory!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm glad you enjoyed it!