Night Sky

What I would feel when I walk at nighttime.

I walk, and I stumble, I walk, but I see
I see the dark arrows swift pass me with their gleaming eyes
Their washcloths pounce against the night sky, enough to carry them
My shoes lead me to a cobble stone road
Where the stone has scratch marks embedded
I take a step, feeling the air pass my skin

Following the stone path, I feel the air racing me like race cars
I feel the moon brightening the path beyond me
I see a pair of eyes, glistening on a plant
Moving forward, I end at a brick wall
A wall who's face is empty and barren
Water trickles beside it, making sounds of tears and rain

Turning my position around and looking at the stars, I see
Millions of raindrops sprinkling
Accompanying the ball of light beside them
Moving like ballerinas, spinning their skirts
What a wonderful night

Author's Note

Do you think it is descriptive enough, or it needs more description?

Reviews

[Ivy]

Very nice, great imagery!
Especially love:
"A wall who's face is empty and barren
Water trickles beside it, making sounds of tears and rain"

Very vivid personification! Love it!


(btw, did you mean "whose" instead of "who's"? Just checking...)

[Ashley Arita]

I'm really glad you enjoyed it! It's supposed to be who's because I considered the wall a person I guess. You know, tears and all.

[a-little-disaster]

I love this poem! The description is a great touch, and your word choice was excellent! I love the personification "Moving like ballerinas, twirling their skirts" :)

All in all, this is wonderful! I will gladly be viewing more of your works.

[Abigail Bergeron]

Personally I like this level of description. I think that much more description would become overdone/too much. I like this poem a lot, flows great. Beautiful subject.

[Abel.J]

The description in the poem is great, but the line with the race cars is a little clunky and I think it's because you use the word racing and race in the same sentence. Also the part with the washcloths, I'm not entirely sure what the means? Besides that the poem is great and so is the imagery, I feel as reader that I could see what the speaker was seeing.

[Poseidon]

The picture you paint in this poem is wonderful. Very easy to imagine and view what scene your are trying to get the reader to see. This does not need to be any more descriptive it is perfect as it is.

[sansrity sinha]

woderful peice of work! god job!

[ExquisiteEyes]

Wow! Nice poem. I think its descriptive enough. Good job!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it!

[Imperfection2aT]

I think that this poem is wonderful just the way it is. You've done a nice job of tying in many images into your piece, and it works well. Great job!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much!

[wizardlypoet8]

Um, without looking I was about to type about how descriptive it was, and then I noticed the reveiws and your author's note! Yes of course this is very descriptive! That is the first thing I noticed while reading, and its the best quality of the poem! I love this. Very beautiful. Good imagery.

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you so much! I try to be as descriptive as possible, I'm glad people notice!

[SariahM]

I walk, and I stumble, I walk, but I see
I see the dark arrows swift pass me with their gleaming eyes
Their washcloths pounce against the night sky, enough to carry them
My shoes lead me to a cobble stone road
Where the stone has scratch marks embedded
I take a step, feeling the air pass my skin

Following the stone path, I feel the air racing me like race cars
I feel the moon brightening the path beyond me
I see a pair of eyes, glistening on a plant
Moving forward, I end at a brick wall
A wall who's face is empty and barren
Water trickles beside it, making sounds of tears and rain

Turning my position around and looking at the stars, I see
Millions of raindrops sprinkling
Accompanying the ball of light beside them
Moving like ballerinas, spinning their skirts
What a wonderful night...

I love it! keep up the great work!

[Ashley Arita]

Thank you and I will!

[SariahM]

yup. I am sure as well