Chapter I: Devastation

                A chilling scream broke the still silence of the morning, rousing a small elven girl from her slumber. Before she had the chance to even rub her eyes or sit up, rough hands grabbed her around her middle and set her unceremoniously on her feet, shoving her through the nearest doorway. "Fiera! Run! Don't look back, Sweetheart!" her father's panicked voice shouted to her. Brushing her long silver hair out of her eyes, Fiera looked up at her father in confusion.

                "But-" she began; her father hushed her and shoved his little girl still harder out the back exit of the hollow Oak tree.

                "RUN!" he shouted more forcefully. Frightened, Fiera did as she was told. Scampering as fast as she could through the trees, she could see large looming shadows overhead and the sound of many beating wings met her long, pointed ears along with deafening roars of ferocity.

                "Dragons..." Fiera breathed, her fear turning into blind panic. The elven child crashed through the dense thickets, desperately trying to put as much distance between her and those fire-breathing monsters as possible. As she ran, the terrified screams of the villagers she had left behind pierced the air like a rose thorn piercing soft skin. Smoke billowed forebodingly from beyond the trees where Fiera's village was located. Panting hard from bolting full-speed for so long, Fiera skidded into a clearing. Finally stopping to rest, the small girl put both hands on her knees and sucked in large lungfuls of luscious air, her chest heavily heaving in and out.

                This clearing had a small brook that caused a faint mist to rise from the rushing water, cooling the sweat on Fiera's face. She fell to her knees on the brook's soft muddy bank and cupped her pale hands together to scoop up handfuls of fresh clear water which she gulped down gratefully.

                With a small sigh, she stood up, snagging her white cotton nightgown on a thorny branch. A quick look around revealed to Fiera that there were two large, rather flat stone slabs wedged beside each other, with a small crevice in the middle just big enough for a young elf to crouch in. She could not remain out in the open, the dragons would spot her and not hesitate to kill her as well as everyone back in the village. Fiera wriggled her way into the stone crevice, waiting... for what, she was not certain.

                As Fiera had expected, the massive shadows of half a dozen dragons shrouded the entire clearing in darkness as it flew overhead and the little girl huddled between two slabs of rock began to shiver in fright. Her parents had told her tales of dragons since before she could remember. They were heartless, vile creatures who took pleasure in killing and devastation, often leaving both in their wakes. Fiera knew the horrible, frightening stories and therefore she knew her family was in the Realm of the Dead. This realization struck her harder than anything she had experienced before in her short sixty year life and that was when Fiera cried, her tears streaming hot down her pale cheeks and blurring her vision.

                As if mourning along with the newly orphaned child, the clouds opened up and released a torrent of steady droplets from the sky. Soon, Fiera's tears ebbed away as the eyelids of her large, almond shaped eyes close, enveloping the young elf in a wave of exhaustion. Slowly, her awareness faded and Fiera quietly drifted away into the Realm of Dreams, the ever-steady sound of the rain pounding onto the ground and the stones covering her lulling her softly into deep sleep.

Reviews

[Lorelee Tate]

A very good start. I have some suggestions, though.

There was a lot of description in this chapter, much of it very good. I did notice a couple sentences that seemed a bit too much, however. For example, "Scampering as fast as she could through the trees, she could see large looming shadows overhead and the sound of many beating wings met her long, pointed ears along with deafening roars of ferocity." There was just so much in this sentence that the sheer volume of it overwhelmed me. This sentence could easily be split up to make it a little easier to digest. Watch for other sentences with lots of adjectives, especially longer adjectives, to make sure that they're not getting into the realm of too much description.

This comment is partially just my opinion. There were quite a few places where the subject was re-named. Just as an example, "The boy saw the banana and picked up the slender, yellow fruit, examining it." Calling the banana a slender yellow fruit after it's already been named a banana can get kind of confusing. In this chapter, it was mainly just referring to Fiera as the elven child, the small child, etc. Now, some writers, Ray Bradbury to give an example, do this frequently. As I said, it's a matter of personal taste. Sort of on the same note, I would recommend giving Fiera's name from the very beginning, instead of referring to her as a small elven girl. This will help your reader gain a sense of familiarity with your character early on.

I didn't really feel like there was enough of an introduction here. It seemed more like the story just started without really explaining anything and went from there. I think it might be a good idea to add a little bit more at the beginning, before the dragons attack, to help the reader get a sense of what exactly it is that Fiera loses. Yes, it's sad that her parents die, but the reader needs to know what it was about her parents that makes it truly heartbreaking.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful to you. This really was a good chapter. I'll try and get to the next one soon!

Lora

[Sagemind]

Wow. What a picture! You know what, I'm going on to the next chapter right now. Be there in a second...