Lust and Longing

-This one's for you Rachael.- A poem written to capture the duality of obsession.

Who is this creature that slumbers so soundly?

What is this madness that drives so profoundly?

My cloak; the blackness, is all now, but spared.

My desire so close, but yet not, she's scared.

 

What is this power?

I don't understand.

So late is the hour,

I ought not lay a hand.

 

This creature, so perfect,

I must make her mine.

But its blasphemy to harm her;

To damn the divine.

 

I can't live without her,

Yet I ought not disturb

This slumbering creature

Who is so superb.

 

So with a small kiss, I betroth to thee,

This slumbering creature in front of me,

A promise, a pact, of eternal desire

That flows through my veins as a maddening fire,

That no man, nor no beast shall take thee from me.

I'm nothing to you. You're all to me.

 

I pray that you're dreaming this dream I desire.

I dare to hope that I am your fire.

So with this small kiss, I leave you this dream.

I pray that you ought not wake up and scream.

 

The damned are the damned.

Nothing has changed.

If you accept me,

You must be deranged.

 

I leave you, my sweet,

Unblemished; unknowing,

That this passion I hold

Is forever growing.

Not to your knowledge,

I reap what I'm sowing.

So with this last kiss,

I fear that I'm going. 

 

Upon a dark night, when the blackness clings,

I shall return as the reaper sings

His song of lament, so filled with longing.

I'll take you that night, to me belonging.

 

As I wear my cloak of night once more,

I want you to know that I'm outside your door.

Waiting for you, forever more,

Always watching, outside your door.

 

For now I vanish into this night.

Fear not the darkness. Disown the light.

These eyes that you feel upon thee are mine,

For it is blasphemy to damn the divine.

Reviews

[robin]

Some of the message of this poem is confusing. The darkness is also divine as is the creature looking over this soul. You make reference to damning the divine and blasphemy. The devil may care about blasphemy (aka he doesn't care) so who cares about damnation or blasphemy? I love the darkness equally with the light for they are ideas not reality. Which side is your darkness on? I read your bio so I know you want more than praise. I too am a romantic artist, I just wish your dark character had more conviction. He can be mad but let him have focus/certainty, a method to the madness.
Robin

[FuMiko]

I think the rhyme was a little limiting, in such a way that, parts sounded forced. Just a moment ago, I kept one in my head so that I could later add it in my review, but I seemed to have forgotten-- oh well.
But, I stand by my opinion, but on a kinder note I do think that this is an amazing poem. The detail and description was very visual, and I loved the polite, gentleman's tone you used, it lent the writing personality and character.

A very good write.
Kudos!

And thank you for entering my contest.

[Catastrophe]

*claps hands*
Truly beautiful, i love the way you've written this poem....wow
the emotions are so damn strong and they just stand out...amazing..
great write

[Fran Marie]

For now I vanish into this night.

Fear not the darkness. Disown the light.

These eyes that you feel upon thee are mine,

For it is blasphemy to damn the divine


Wow!! I have to agree with AK this is truly amazing work~

I stand in awe of this Deliciously Dark piece so POE like in depth

Doesn't get much darker than this~ Wonderfully penned my friend

and THanks for submitting to Darkness Becomes You ConTesT~

Fran Marie

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

An amazing piece of work... torn between desire and duty... a very gripping piece of work.

[Lucifer Jones]

You know I'm really no critic, and probably not the best reviewer there is. I read for pleasure, to get glimpse at someone elses thoughts and meanderings and to be spoken to or moved... so that being said I wish I had something brilliant to say, but it boils down to I really enjoyed this. You can really feel lament from the lines. Well done.

[*~Imperfectly Me~*]

This is remarkable! You can truly feel the emotions in this piece, the lust and longing and obsession this guy has for the devine almost goddess like person he is looking at... Great job!

[Seriana]

I have no words, I'm speechless! That never happens! Wow! What a fantastical piece! That rocked. I loved it. Adding it to my favs...

[Demyra]

Maybe it's just that I'm a fan of this type of thing...
You're very good at it-reminds me of 'Atreyu' oftentimes-are they a motivation for your writing?

I'm glad you work with a darker essence without writing what a bunch of bullshitters would call 'emo'. My credit to you on that...

[Leticia Bailey]

Wow. The "duality of obsession" has definitely been captured in this poem. A Vampire/Gothic theme is not my favorite, but I enjoyed reading your poem. It's well-written--proving that passion, longing, and internal conflict can transcend genres. Your pic/avatar is rather gruesome and it doesn't seem to fit the tone of your poem. Good luck with the "Desire for More" contest. You've got my vote.

[Raef C. Boylan]

I quite liked the style of language: eighteenth century gentleman-esque.
There was an edge of wit throughout, like:

"So with this small kiss, I leave you this dream.
I pray that you ought not wake up and scream."

I think that if you were less restricted by the rhyme scheme, you might have created a more believable narrator for us, as your expression would have been less contrived. I was intrigued by this but not absorbed. Might just be a personal preference though.

Overall, you did an ok job with the structure and there was continuity. Some cliched/overused images, which were a bit disappointing, e.g:
"His song of lament" [slightly original that it's the reaper singing, I guess]
but also some of your own, which was good.

Advice: read a person's bio before adding them as friend in future. Mine requests that people don't add me without reviewing, unless I've reviewed them before.
The review exchange system is getting a bit messed up due to an influx of new people, so it's good to show courtesy and respect, as opposed to expecting something for nothing.
If you haven't read my writing, or messaged me to say that you saw a review of mine that attracted you to my page, thinking I could help you...well, why should I bother?
Your way sends out a vibe of not giving a s**t.