Better Than I Know Myself

A Chapter by Victor Cartel

Lyrics from "Better Than I Know Myself" by Adam Lambert. This is a true story, even though it's kinda lame. Written 7/8/12

Lyrics from "Better Than I Know Myself" by Adam Lambert. Names have been changed for the sake of keeping the people involved anonymous.
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Cold as ice
And more bitter than a December
Winter night
That's how I treated you
And I know that I
I sometimes tend to lose my temper
And I cross the line
Yeah that's the truth

I have emotions that really get out of whack. My emotions tend to amplify at different times - and I usually notice this - but lately I've been so bad that I've even considered the fact that I very well might be mildly bipolar, but honestly I think it might just be depression. The way I'm reacting right now is as if she died, not just needed space...from me. I... I have nightmares all the time. Literally EVERY F*****G NIGHT since she walked away, I have dreamed of something terrible. Some are really bad, really over the top. I've dreamed of her killing me screaming at me to give her space, to stop liking her stuff on Facebook, etc. I once dreamed that I asked her to go swimming [something I hate and she loves] as a way of reconciling, and the dream started with my life flashing before my eyes, but ended with me looking up at her as she holds me under the water, drowning me. Some are fairly realistic, just at the extreme end of it. I've dreamed of going to her house in a year and asking if she wants to be friends again, and her slamming the door in my face simultaneously telling me to f**k off. I dreamed that she browsed my Facebook, paid attention to the things that I liked of hers, and came over to my house simply to tell me to my face how much she hated me, that she was sick and tired of it all. I'm aware that these dreams are crazy, extreme, more likely than anything else won't happen. Even the "realistic" ones are only realistic because they could happen, but I'm pretty sure won't. I'm reasonable. I can wake up and [after my mini-panic attack before waking up fully and realizing it was just a dream] I can rationalize "Well she'd have deleted me off FB by now if that's how she felt," or "What motive would she have to kill me? The worst I'm doing is checking up on her every so often via FB." The dreams themselves aren't the problem, or at least haven't been until last night.

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say

Last night, I had a dream that was honestly nothing but good things. It didn't end with me being killed, or her screaming she hated me, or even just me sitting there alone and crying. It was a dream about us, about if she woke up one day, texted me, "I'm sorry, do you wanna hang out," and what might happen if I said yes. This dream captured everything I felt, and even while I dreamed I could feel that painful knotting up in my chest when I woke up to that text. I could actually feel the touch of her hugging me, feel the hot air of her breath on my neck when she said she was sorry. It was excruciatingly vivid. If I didn't put two and two together when I woke up that in the dream I went to bed wearing completely different clothes than the ones I woke up in, I'd have texted her and asked if she had fun yesterday and wanted to hang out again soon. Still, even that took me at least an hour to realize. Thank god I didn't message her in between.

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself

My dream started with that text: "I'm sorry. Do you wanna hang out?" I took a long time debating it and then walked out into the loft, still in my boxers and T-shirt, saying "D-dad?" He turned around realizing that I was a bit shocked and took it for sadness. He asked what was wrong and I just said, "Can I hang out with Allie today?" He just stayed silent as a wave of understanding flew over him and he nodded, asking what time and all that stuff. I texted her to get this info, and she simply asked if it was ok if she just headed over right then. I told her "Yeah, I'll be getting in the shower while you're on your way, and I'll see you soon." As usual, I didn't time the shower well and she ended up texting me she was there and waiting in her car while I got dressed. When I was ready, my dad stopped me, giving me some money and telling me to call him if anything went wrong. I nodded, said bye, and walked up to her car. Out of habit, I opened the door and let myself in, and then I turned to look at her as she drove me wherever the hell she wanted to go. She didn't turn on the radio - a sign she wanted to talk - and so it was awkwardly quiet for a while, and I just sat there twiddling my fingers until I decided to break the silence. I quietly uttered, "I'm sorry, Allie...for everything." I couldn't even bare to look up at her, I felt so much guilt. Part of it I knew wasn't my burden to bare, since she was the one who needed space, but for some reason I couldn't suppress the feeling that our time apart had been at the very least partly my fault. She said she was sorry too. She was about to say something, but I interrupted her and said, "Allie, I'm ok with it if you want to just be friends." She nodded once, which didn't tell me much. I imagine if she wasn't worried that the words would crush me, she'd have said, "That would be better." A little bit of hope shimmered in me that she'd have added "for now" but I didn't want to get carried away. Here I was, with someone I loved and cared for so much it hurt at times, and that was enough for me.

All along
I tried to pretend it didn't matter
If I was alone
But deep down I know
If you were gone
For even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn
Cause I'm lost without you

I put myself in the mindset that we didn't even have time apart. I told myself that I'd let those thoughts wait until later when I was headed to bed, or in the morning, or whenever they decided to make themselves apparent. Right then was about making up for lost time, and just plain enjoying myself. I took that moment to turn up the radio as loud as I do, and to smile at her like a retard when she looked over at me, questioning what I was doing. Then I went through her purse like I do, fixing her money and putting the loose change and bills from her purse in her wallet, grabbing and handing her a cigarette and then going on a search for a lighter all over her car. I looked at her after about a minute of searching I yelled over the radio, "Damn it woman, you just don't know how to keep a lighter from getting lost, now do ya?" She chuckled a little bit, then just started to laugh and I laughed with her. This was all stupid s**t that I used to do, and she knew why I was doing it. She humored me, and asked if I was hungry. As I usually said, "A bit. If you wanna eat, I'm down." and from there she informed me that she was starving - nothing new. It was extremely nice.

I know it gets hard sometimes
But I could never
Leave your side
No matter what I say

We went to Village Inn and got some food, joking around over lunch and cracking inside jokes that we still remembered clearly. She complained as she usually did about how she will never like sunny side up eggs, and didn't understand why I did. I laughed and replied by casually stuffing the whole egg into my mouth and having trouble chewing, to which she just shook her head and chuckled at. It wasn't for a while when we were almost done eating that she finally asked, "So what have you been up to?" That was when the happy, light, fun feeling kinda went away for me and I thought about it. I honestly couldn't think straight. I tried to come up with a reply, but I couldn't manage to think of anything. She told me to spit it out, so I looked up at her and replied with a meek honesty, "Other than missing you? Nothing."

Cause if I wanted to go I would have gone by now,
But I really need you near me to
Keep my mind off the edge
If I wanted to leave I would have left by now
But you're the only one that knows me
Better than I know myself

She just said, "Oh." She didn't really have a reply. I didn't expect her to, but in all truth, I wasn't trying to be cute or romantic, or to bring down the mood. I just didn't want to lie to her...and to tell the full truth, that literally is all I'd been doing. I'd been playing WoW with Song just because I knew that Allie hated it, and every time I logged in all I could think of was her saying, "Gosh that game is so stupid." I hardly wrote anything that wasn't related to or inspired by how much I wished she was right there with me, and I only posted it online with that tinge of f*****g lame-a*s hope that she'd read it, call me up, and say exactly what she texted to begin with. I had been missing my Tae Kwon Do lessons, as much as I wanted to attend, because my parents kept forgetting, and my lethargic attitude is what kept me home [not that I'd admit I was feeling lethargic over all this, cuz my lethargy very well could just have been pure laziness]. I was still waiting for both college and Sheoiga's birthday party, so it's not like I'd done anything exciting...except...

I get kind of dark
Let it go too far
I can be obnoxious at times
But try and see my heart
Cause I need you now
So don't let me down
You're the only thing in this world
I would die without

"I passed my GED." I said as we headed back to her car. She messed with the door that was apparently still broken and she asked how I did. "Passed with flying colors! Even in math, surprisingly." I informed her of my scores, and she said it was awesome and she was proud of me. She asked for my plans about college, and I told her, "I'm gonna start either August or January." We got to talking about college and jobs, and she informed me that she was doing well in her workplace as well. She didn't really specify much, though, because she got into a rant about one worker that just didn't know how to do their job. The entire day went like that, and it was pretty great. We hung out a little longer, going to her house first to pick up her xbox controller, then heading back to my place. We played Portal 2 together, getting WAY too into it like we used to, and eventually she told me she was needed back home. I, of course, only then remembered that I wanted to talk to her about what was going on with Mark and all that, but I decided it was for the better that we didn't talk about that yet. She hugged me and I walked her out, even getting ahead of her and opening her door for her, something she was pleasantly surprised by...until she had to get out and fix her door, which we just laughed off. I walked around her car to my front door before waving and watching her go. I then walked back into my house and went to my room. I looked at the time: 10:30 p.m. A lot of time had passed, a lot more than I thought. I usually went to bed about 7 or 8 hours from then, but I didn't know what else to do, and I wanted to get my sleep schedule straight if I planned on hanging out with Allie more often. So I let my dogs out, feeding them late [just in case my family forgot to while I was out], then printed out this stupid My Little Pony door thing and putting the "Do Not Disturb: I'm watching ponies" side on my door. To humor my parents if they came in, I left my computer on my My Little Pony music playlist on YouTube, and for at least 2 hours or something, I lied there, trying to fall asleep. I knew it was partly my horrid sleeping pattern, and partly the music [since I usually went to bed in silence], but I didn't really care or get frustrated or anything. I just waited it out, thinking about the day before finally falling asleep and dreaming of blackness - something I welcomed beyond anything else.

I woke up with tears in my eyes. I was crying, and realized that for the first time in my life I'd been crying in my sleep. I had no idea why, and wrote it off as me getting water-y eyed when I yawned. My dog jumped up to greet me and officially wake me up, and I smiled at him and for the first time in a very long time, rather than just telling him to lie down, cuddling with him, and trying to go back to sleep, I actually sat up and played with him a bit. I checked my phone for the time: 5:08 p.m. HOLY F*****G S**T I slept for, like, ever! Oh well - no big deal. I guess I did need the sleep. I heard my sister and her friends screaming in the loft, and so rather than go out and deal with them I just got on the computer. The first thing that popped up when I turned on the monitor was a song I didn't remember leaving up: "Better Than I Know Myself" by Adam Lambert. Figuring I did it when writing that song based off another song, I listened to it, and slowly over the course of that song did it become apparent that I was dreaming that whole time. I slowly sunk into a deeper depression than I'd ever been in, and I realized why I'd woken up with tears in my eyes. I looked at my clothes, for some sort of reassurance that I didn't dream it, that it was real, and I realized I was wearing a black T-shirt, not the red one I put on before leaving to meet up with Allie. The nightmares I could handle, but... This is worse than any other sadness I've felt since I can remember.

It's pathetic how depressed I feel over a lost friend... I beat myself up over that every so often, reminding myself that there are worse things that could have happened. I tell myself, "She could have died," and that just reminds me how fragile her mind really is [and how despite the fact that she told me she'd never do it and how I even believe that], how she wants to die at times. I tell myself, "She could have asked for more than a break. She could have simply told you she hated, you," and that just sends thoughts in my mind about how she's probably slowly losing the love she had for me over the time that I've been gone. She's more likely than not keeping herself busy, and me counting on her missing me as much as I miss her is absurd. I tell myself so many things that could have happened that would have been far, far worse than some time apart and the possibility of her still not being ready when I call her up months from now or whenever, but nothing shakes this feeling, and it makes me feel even worse, being this low over her. I don't know what to do anymore. Yesterday - the real yesterday - I let the rain remind me of how she wanted to dance in the rain. I mentioned her in casual conversation more than I'd mentioned her since I officially told her I'd give her space. I miss her so much...and honestly, I'm ok if we need to just be friends. I'm just sick of feeling so empty...

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