Surviving Goodbye

It's our last morning together, after some stolen time together in our cabin in the woods.  We've spent days being close--touching, whispering in the dark, making love with abandon, sleeping to our heart's content, cooking and eating great food, fishing, watching a movie or two, talking, laughing, and crying, but now our time is drawing to a close, and with heavy hearts we face another goodbye. 

After much soul-searching and heart-to-heart discussions, you've decided--again--that you can't live with yourself and our relationship, that we can't keep doing this, as much as you wish we could.  Again, like so many times before, my heart breaks into a million pieces, and fear rises in me and grips me until I can hardly breathe, because I have no way of knowing if this is the time that it will really be goodbye forever.  I muster all the strength I have in order to remain strong and not make it harder for you than it already is--to put you and your needs before my own--to remain loving toward you, even in heartbreak.  I bury my despair to deal with another time, out of your sight.  For this morning, all I want is to soak in every moment of you that I am able--to savor the sight and sound and feel of you close beside me and close in heart.

I watch you sleeping beside me, the sun not yet up, but the birds starting to chirp and begin their day.  I'm filled to beyond overflowing with love for you--with overwhelming, all-encompassing tenderness for the man I have loved, unwaveringly, for my entire adult life.  I hold my breath, trying to be as still and silent as possible, willing you to sleep, sleep, sleep there beside me, in my arms, for as long as possible, so I can soak in every possible second.  I close my eyes and listen to you breathe.  The cadence of your breathing is one of the most peaceful, lulling, secure sounds I have ever known.  I feel safe and at home by your side;  I feel happy and at peace by your side.  Eyes still closed, I shift my focus from your breathing to the warmth of your skin against mine.  You are on your side, facing me, and I'm on my side facing you, and we are blissfully entangled in one another.  One of your arms is under my head, and the other hangs over my side.  One of my legs is over one of yours.  I have one arm draped over your hip. The warmth of you radiates onto me and fills me.  A thought creeps in for a moment, but I rush to bury it back down: how can I survive letting go of him... again... when he is my world, my happiness, my hope, my life?   Opening my eyes, I simply watch you, despite the dimness of the room, memorizing you so I can sustain myself as long as necessary by reliving this moment. 

Small snippets of memories from the night before flash into my mind as I stare at your face: the way your perfect blue eyes looked at me, filled with the most agonizing mixture of love, longing and pain; the way your voice sounded as you whispered your longing to me in the dark; the way your soft lips and tongue felt against mine, against my neck, all over me; the way you stared into my eyes and locked onto them--your soul connecting with mine as you made love to me one final time.  My vision blurs as my eyes fill with tears, and I truly can't tell if they are from joy or agony.  I whisper the softest whisper ever uttered: "I love you so so much." 

There is the smallest hint of light through the windows, now.  My heart begs for time to stand still, to let me live in this moment for hours, days, years.   Gradually, you wake up.  Your eyes open, inches from mine.  Maybe your heart is too heavy, maybe you're too tired, or maybe you've already separated yourself from me emotionally, but whatever the reason, you don't meet my gaze, you don't hold me, you don't kiss me.  I feel the sting of loss in every part of me, as you get up without a word, walk to the bathroom, and shut the door.  I lie there with my heart racing, choking back tears, listening as you brush your teeth.  When I hear the shower turn on, I jump up from the bed, quickly, my self-preserving instinct urging me to get out of the room, distance myself, go make breakfast, get anywhere but here... and yet I hesitate.  My more confident, hopeful, trustful side reminds me that this might be it, that it could be now or never, that I can either accept this distance or lay myself on the line to correct it and part with our closeness in tact.  I walk toward the bathroom door. I sneak quietly into the bathroom, closing the door softly behind me.  I walk slowly toward the shower, so hesitant, so fearful of finding indifference or distance or rejection when I reach you, but choosing to trust that I KNOW better.

When I open the shower door and peek in at you, and you meet my gaze, all the fear washes away in an instant.  Your eyes are bloodshot and pained with the emotions you're struggling to hold inside, yet you meet me with such openness and warmth in your eyes.  As you reach for me, as you pull me into the water with you, and so close against your body, you say "I thought you were sleeping."  I think how that explains a lot, and how very glad I am that I took the risk of coming to you.  I answer: "How could I possibly sleep?" You hold me, and I hold you, pressed so close it's hard to tell where you end and I begin.  The world falls away for a while; for these moments, it's just you and me.  For these few, wonderful moments we savor each other, cling to each other, and comfort each other as the warm water washes over our bodies. 

My heart is yours, my body is yours, everything I am is yours for the breaking or taking.  I love you, want you, need you and belong to you.  I stand up on my tip-toes, and kiss you softly, slowly on the lips.  You kiss me back, and you let yourself truly let go with me.  You close your eyes and surrender to the moment, and I can feel, soooo clearly the story your heart has to tell.  Your lips tell me of your want, your tongue speaks of your need, your breath and hands and trembling all tell me of your love and how very much you wish you didn't have to break my heart--and how much yours is breaking, too.  I echo back all these feelings and more, following you, letting you lead where I want you to take me, my heart and soul answering yes yes, yes to your every unspoken desire and hope and want and need and longing.   We kiss that way, lost in each other, for a long, long, very long time.  I am so grateful to the shower water washing over me, for mixing with and masking the tears that are pouring from my eyes, all my defenses down.  I cling to you, sobs shaking me. 

We spend a long time washing ourselves, and each other, exploring, enjoying, and memorizing every square inch of each other.  It is sweet, intimate, close, and oh, so fun. When we're clean, and rinsed, and wrinkled and shriveled like prunes from such a long shower, I realize that it's time, but that I will never be "ready" to leave you, that I will never be "ready" to gracefully walk away from you and that dragging it out and showing you my pain is cruel.  I wrap my arms so tight around you, pull you close against me, and hold my breath, focusing on letting myself feel your heart beating in your chest one more time, feeling your life coursing through your veins, cherishing you with every fiber of my being.

I kiss you one last overly-desperate time, cutting it short, lest the despair in me start to seep out.  I pull back, look into your beautiful, sweet, loving, kind, perfect, sad, blue eyes for a second or two.  Then I lean forward and right before I start to speak, I realize that this isn't at all like email or text, that there won't be any speeches, that I will only have one breath to get out what I need to say -- just a few words -- before I lose my composure, so I have to make them count.  I put my lips to your ear, and I whisper:  "I will love you, always."

I turn quickly, leave the shower, dry myself, and leave the bathroom.  You dry yourself, shave, comb your hair, and get dressed.  You leave the bathroom, dreading the pain and tears of parting.  You walk back into the bedroom we shared, and as soon as you see the breakfast plate, and the envelope on the bed, you realize with a heavy heart that I've already gone.  That I couldn't face saying goodbye.  

The cabin is so quiet now.  You stand there  in the silence, numb, wondering if this is really how it has to be, wondering if you really and truly can live without me actively loving you, supporting you, helping you, lifting you up, being there for you, caring for you, wanting you, needing you, sharing your days, your life, every day.

The sun is bright in the room now.  The imprints of our heads are still pressed into the pillows.  The sheets still rumpled and tossed from our night together .  The food I made for you still warm on the plate, the ink on the envelope barely dry.  You can almost reach out and pull me back I was here so recently, and everything in you wants to do exactly that.

You take your plate and the envelope to the porch.  In the beautiful morning, with birds singing, you read my letter as you eat:

"Love of my Life,

I couldn't bear to say goodbye.  I couldn't risk begging and pleading with you to keep me, let me stay, and never let me go.  I couldn't risk the meltdown and tears.  And I knew if I tried to say goodbye face to face, the words in my heart wouldn't find their way to your ears.  So here I am back where I am able to make sense -- the written word.  

I WILL love you, always.  Know it, hold that truth in your heart, and never doubt it.  I will love you desperately, violently, tenderly, completely, and endlessly. I hunger for you in ways that even you might find shocking. I want to kiss and lick and suck every part of you.  I want to make you gasp and faint and be completely unable to stop yourself from begging for more of me.  I want to pleasure you until you literally weep for the joy and ecstasy of  me, and then I want to dry every passion-rendered tear with my lips, before starting all over again, finding entirely new ways to blow your mind and bring you to new heights.

If you only knew how constantly and desperately I crave the taste of you on my tongue, and how frequently I bring the memory of your flavor to my mind, licking my lips for the want of you.  I long to take you in my hands and mouth and feast on you every day, every hour. I want to drink from you as though you were my only sustenance. 

I want you strong and relentless above me, as surely as I crave to be soft and yielding beneath you, on my back at the mercy of your need and my own. I cannot stop thinking of it -- your arms around me, my legs wrapped around you. Your mouth giving me every one of your breaths as we melt into each other. In truth, I desire too much of you. An entire lifetime of nights spent with you between my thighs would not be enough to damp the fire I have for you.

I want to talk with you forever. I remember. every. word. you've. ever. said. to. me. and keep each and every one of them in the vault of my heart as my most valuable secret weapon -- fueled on just the memories of your honest, open, loving, giving words, I can accomplish anything, defeat any foe, overcome any challenge and survive any defeat.   I crave to learn your every private and secret place and thought and memory and fear, and stay forever in that trust. I yearn to comfort you in your darkest hours, and soothe your deepest wounds.  I long to ease your burdens, to take the weight from your shoulders onto my own, to pick up the slack when you need a break, to lay you down and ease you into much-needed rest when you are weary. I daydream of how the simplest, most mundane things would become magic with you. I want to give to you anything and everything your heart, mind, body, or soul desires, every day, in every way.

You may or you may never be able to claim me by the light of day, but you know without a single doubt that I'll always be yours, that my lips will always be yours and no one else's to kiss and suck and nibble, that my hands and my fingers were made only to touch you and tease you and please you, that my throat and my tongue exist only to accept you, envelop you, and give to you, and that every single bit of the rest of me, every curve and nerve of my body, every beat of my heart, and the fullness and depth of my soul, are yours, wholly yours, completely yours.  I will be waiting for you, wanting you, missing you, loving you, and only you, no matter how long you walk away from me.

You would say it's wrong to feel this way. You would say I cannot, we cannot. But I'd then tell you that some things can't be measured by time alone. It's been over twenty years, yet my love and passion and patience for you seem to have only just begun. Ask for me an hour from now. Ask for me a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime -- the answer will never change, because the way I love you is immovable and will outlast every clock, every calendar, every civilization, every universe, every dimension. I will love you, always.

With all my love forever,
--Ash"

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

i am a minimalist to the core .. so .. have to say right off i think this could be shortened and the power enhanced .. having said that .. i read from start to end .. waiting for some twist .. so you hooked me to be sure .. there is a strong element of the confessional for me .. but i am not sure so feel unbalanced :) .. i love cabins in the woods .. and this scenario is is so so tragic and heart rending for all parties .. i feel so totally sad at the end of this :( ... it is no easy end ... i guess that is why from ancients to now have said and say .. .. commitment before the fall to bed ;)
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