Thanks

A heart-felt letter of thanks to my beloved.

2012/08/12

Sweetest Man,

I'm sitting outside in the dark, watching the night sky as it bursts with meteor after meteor.  Each one glows brightly, then leaves a long, glowing trail in its wake.  Tonight is wondrous, even before the meteors are taken into consideration.  I'm in the afterglow of our time together earlier tonight, which is, undoubtedly, heightening my senses and intensifying my emotions. 

The crickets chirp all around, possibly the most peaceful sound I know, grounding my present with nostalgia of childhood and memories of home.  The occasional car passes on the main road, reminding me that the world still goes 'round and keeps moving on, even when I sit still.  A train sounds so far in the distance that I can barely hear it, clacking and whistling for a minute, then gone.  The air is ripe with the smells of earth, dew, smoke, and leaves. 

It is cool, almost cold, a slight shiver rising in my core, but I think of you and I feel warm again. I think of you, and it's as though a light has turned on inside, shining within the darkest parts of my soul and changing me from the inside out.  The darkness has nowhere to hide, so it flies away, leaving to find another soul from which to steal.  For right now, whatever may come, in this moment, I feel free. I feel calm.  I feel protected and secure.  I feel valued, uplifted, cherished and worthy.  I feel softer, kinder, gentler and steadier.

Whatever our relationship is and isn't, whatever it should or shouldn't be, all that aside, I know without a doubt or hesitation or regret, that in this moment you, and you alone, have re-lit within me a goodness that I believed was long extinguished.  You have somehow cut through every one of my formidable defenses and reached the core of me, reviving hopefulness, giving new life to ... something.  I don't even know what to call it.  A big ol' bundle and hodge-podge of good, right, affirming, and positive things, all intertwined and taking hold of me. 

You've managed to give me the gift of a glimpse into a world where it's sane, possible, and even easy, to fully and completely trust another person with everything, absolutely everything! and not assume, or even worry that they will let me fall when I need to lean on them the most.  You have opened the door and you've let me catch a vision of what it's like to live in a world where it's easy and right to give the benefit of the doubt, to assume the best, instead of the worst about someone, and this may not be the most important thing, but it is the most startling to me: you've even enabled me to dare to give of myself, to think of myself as someone who has something to give. 

I marvel at the change in me.  Suddenly, I know I can do it, whatever "it" may be. I feel a small seed growing into what I vaguely remember and recognize to be confidence. You've somehow given me the gift of a sober mind, and clear thought pattern, as if I had been drowning in quick sand, and you jumped in, rescued me, and taught me how to breathe again. The meteors are raining down on a new me--a fitting night for them.

You inspire me; you not only make me want to be a better person, you make me believe, without a doubt, that I can be and will be.  I can't imagine how I could ever reciprocate enough to match what you've given me, but I'm determined, eager and happy to try, and grateful for the opportunity. Saying thank you seems paltry in response, but it will have to do.  Thank you for all this and more. I appreciate you more than I can possibly express.  Now to sleep, still snuggled up by your side, warm and close, in my mind, at least. No better place on earth, except the real thing, of course. Goodnight.

Always yours,
--Ash