Arose

I loved and lost. This poem poured out of my heart one night, waking me from sleep begging to be captured in print.

He rose, my Rose, to promise life and love.
From fertilest soil of youth he sprung, in answer
To the question of my heart. His roots,
With mine commingled, intertwined.  Inseparable,
Giving life each to the other. Where he grew,
I also grew; where he receded, I declined,
Following him through the springtime of my life.
His thorns, my shelter; my warmth, his comfort,
We grew, symbiotically, toward the Light.
I glimpsed such blessed life, such happiness!
Yet, the life he rose to give was not for me.
Love's promise answered to another's heart.
Soon wilting, lacking light in which to grow,
With roots so bound and choked, I slowly fade.
In view and reach of all I need to thrive,
I'm plucked and tossed onto the compost heap--
Just one more weed who'd thought herself a Rose.

Author's Note

I'm new to this, and sincerely seeking critical feedback on this free verse poem, ways it could be improved, and guidance in how to best capture imagery.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

i think the success of this poem is in the outpouring of deep felt love and pain and grief ..(i read your note) i like the word play with the title, the weaving of the garden throughout along with the rose .. i think your imagery is fine .. i admire your desire to improve but i don't think i would change a thing .. waking from sleep and having a poem pour out is pretty cool .. again..i wouldn't change it .. the ending lines are so, so sad .. one can read a whole lot into those lines .. ;)
E.

[Shirlena]

Who new...you? Uh uh the devil is a LIE? (Did you say you were new?) Are you kidding me? Honey you were a writer waiting to get out then cause you been cultivating this talent secretly for a while so I wouldn't tell anybody you're "new" especially not to writing anymore. This is crack. This is KILLAH!!!

[Ashfallen]

LOVE your review, it made me laugh and smile so much. I've never had my writing called crack before, but hearing it is addictive! :)

[Shirlena]

It really is and you're welcomed :)

[FateDictates]

I love this!!! If you are new to this.. then I am so already a fan.. great ink...

[Ashfallen]

Thank you! What a nice thing to say. I only today realized that I can comment on these reviews, so many belated thanks!

[Lonely Scorpio Girl]

A tragic story of the Rose so beautifully composed. The last part: "Just one more weed who'd thought herself a Rose" is simply heartbreaking. Wonderful imagery in this poem!

[Ashfallen]

Thank you so much, I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for taking the time to review it for me!

[Cory Barrett]

Wonderful writing here. Primal , simple, delicious.

[Ashfallen]

Thanks so much, I am happy you enjoyed it. :)

[WritersRankings]

This is a delightful poem, fresh and filled with awakening and powerful imagery. I hope you submit more poems to the Tournament.

[Ashfallen]

Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement, and for such a positive experience here on WritersCafe!

[Wórdsmíth]

Nice poem, as you mentioned, you want to make this write more beautiful with all the imaginary`s then as a guidance i`d like to say .. you can replace some words with the literature words .. like replace "Onto" with "Unto", "Intertwined" with "Entwined" (b`coz, "Entwine" looked much better in flow --- in comparison of intertwined)

And in this line .. "I slowly fade" .. you can write it as "I leisurely decline" b`coz, this one`d be much better with the next line to read in rhyme ..

In this way ...

"With roots so bound and choked, I leisurely decline
In view and reach of all I need to thrive.

Or ..

"In view and reach of all I need to thrive,
I'm plucked and tossed unto the compost heap—and decline"

And there`s few more lines or words which can be replaced with some other ones to make this imaginary more beautiful ... so, I made you help out ..

Please take a look below and let me know if you like this poem ...


He rose, my Rose, to promise my life and love.
From fertilest soil of youth... he sprung,
In answer to question of my heart.
His roots, with mine Inseparable, entwined, commingled,
Giving the life to other. Where he grew, I grew;
And where he receded, I declined,
Following him through the springtime of my life.
His thorns, my shelter; my warmth, his comfort,
"We grew, symbiotically, toward the Light.
And I glimpsed much happiness, such blessed life!"
"Yet, the life he rose to give---wasn`t for me.
Love's all promises answered to all the nebulous hearts but not to me"
(Love`s all promises answered to the hearts, not to me)"
Soon wilting, lacking light in which to grow,
With roots so bound and choked, Where I go?
In view and reach of all I need to thrive,
I'm plucked and tossed unto the compost heap—and decline (d)
Just one more weed who'd thought himself/herself a Rose
Growing with the lack of lights but now he/she Arose.

Hope I helped you to improve as what you all mentioned in your Author`s note ;) I really love your imagery .. it`s so beautiful. I really much enjoyed reading and modifying your wonderful poem ;)

[Ashfallen]

I'm sorry I did not care for the changes as they did not fit the flow I aimed for, and even in some cases changed the meaning entirely. But I do appreciate that you took the time to read and review my poem, and that you liked the imagery of it. Thank you!

[Amduscia]

Personal opinion : The imagery is perfect. Well written.

[Ashfallen]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your kind words, and my first review on my first piece of writing submitted to WritersCafe. :)

[Amduscia]

Truly a pleasure, Ashfallen.