Dear Diary: The Stories of a Gay Teen

So I started this story in 7th grade and decided to continue it. It is 100% made up. I hope you enjoy. It's an ongoing project so keep checking back. I hope to update it at least once every few weeks.

Coming Out

January 1

Dear Diary,

So you know I've never been a "normal" boy. I'm not into sports, there isn't really anything "tough" about me. S**t I've written in a journal since I learned how to write. None of those things feel normal, especially when I look at other guys. Yeah, I know, it's all stereotypes, but still. It's pretty much all I have to go off of. I think I figured it out. I think I might be gay. Think about it, my relationships with girls have never felt right, I relate more to my girl friends, hot girls don't turn me on. It all just seems to fit I think.

How did I come up with this? Well I was hanging with Jess, remember him, my gay best friend. Anyways so we were just talking about how he knew he was gay ( I was curious) and what he described fit me to the "t". It was weird. I need to talk to Jess, get his opinion. We'll see.

~Jamie

January 3

Dear Diary,

So I talked to Jess. He's really the only person I trust. He told me to give it time, but it sounds like I'm at least bisexual. He swears when the time is right I'll just know. I hope that time is soon, because this is actually really stressful for me. 

~Jamie

February 27

Dear Diary,

No more considering, I'm gay. Jess was right, it just finally clicked. Ever since the 7th I spent a lot of time thinking about it, analyzing life, etc and last week it finally all just fell together. I've always known I liked guys, I just wasn't ok with it so I tried to be someone I just am not. 

I started changing in bathroom stalls again like I did in middle school. It feels safer that way. There have always been the guys whose bodies made me melt, and I've started noticing more. Unfortunately the other guys keep giving me s**t about it, calling me a pansy and a f*g, saying only gay guys don't change in front of other guys, like that f****t Jess. I snapped after that, told them to f**k off. I was so furious. The guys have backed off for now, I just hope it lasts. What if they all find out I really am gay? I can't have it flying all around school that I am, not just yet.

~Jamie

February 28

Dear Diary,

It was hard, but I talked to Jess about what's been going on in the locker room. I had to talk to someone and had no where else to turn. Let's be serious, I don't really go to a homosexual friendly school. That's not to say that there aren't others who are gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc, but the school is based on Christian principles. That means administration was out of the question, and I don't exactly have any other friends.

Anyways he said he already knew he was getting made fun of in locker rooms and such. It's even done to is face. I wish people didn't do that. If they actually got to know they'd she that' hes f*****g awesome!

He told me that my not being able to change in front of other guys is a phase, it'll pass. That was really reassuring. I asked why, if that's the case, he still changes in a stall. He told me once you come out it makes others much more comfortable, and he'd rather make others comfortable and hide away. People are ignorant and think that homosexuals will be attracted to all guys and will do nothing but stare at there junk and s**t. It's so stupid! I hate that people are so oblivious and stupid! -_-

~Jamie

March 12

Dear Diary,

As I suspected, Jess was of course right. I can change in front of the guys again! It's a huge relief. When I did today the guys asked me why I started changing in a stall in the first place. I told them it was because I was insecure about my body. They told me they totally understand, although they thought it was weird. Apparently, even though I don't play sports, from the weights I lift and such I'm "ripped"

~Jamie

March 16

Dear Diary,

Oh. My. GOD! I have my first guy crush, and it's intense! His name is Alex. He just moved here and is in a few of my classes, one being gym. An exciting part? I think he might be gay too, or at least bi! Totally stereotyping him, but he changes in a stall. No one has the balls to ask him. Plus no one ever picks on a new kid, not for the first few weeks at least.

Alex is RIPPED! As he walks to a stall sometimes he will take off his shirt on the way and wow. Jaw drops every time. Even ignoring his build he is physically attractive. Dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, slightly tan, clean shaven face and body. I'm not just attracted to him physically either, his personality is great too. He's funny, charming, witty, and really freaking smart. Words just can't describe!

The best part? I think he might be flirting with me! Imagine that, my first real crush liking me back! I'm not positive, he hasn't been here long, but he's spending A LOT of time with me, always with a smile, winking at me, brushing up against me. He hasn't been here long and already gave me his phone number. I could be over analyzing, I don't know. I need to figure out if he is actually gay, that would be a great start. 

~Jamie

March 30

Dear Diary,

It is confirmed, Alex is gay. He announced in gym, loud and pride. Direct quote, "I'm not stupid or deaf. I hear the roomers floating around, and I'm here to confirm that yes, I am gay. I have been out of the closet for 3 years now. I change in a stall because I'm not stupid I know it would make you all very uncomfortable. I transferred to this school because contrary to popular belief homosexuals can in fact be Christian. 

"I am not ashamed of who I am, nor am I afraid of it. If any of you have a problem with my sexuality, I suggest you shove it. Also I see how you treat others like me and it needs to stop immediately. We are not some disease, nor something to be treated as savage or gross or anything. WE ARE JUST LIKE YOU" He proceeded to go change and the locker room was speechless. 

He's so ballsy and brave. It's kinda sexy...

~Jamie

March 31

Dear Diary,

Alex called me today! I love when he does, especially today. He straight up asked me if I was gay or anything. I don't know why that made me so excited, I think I'm just hoping that he has been flirting and is going to ask me out. We talked for a solid hour. I told him how it was a recent discovery and I hadn't come out, how scared I am to, all kinds of stuff. It was so easy to do, easy and effortless. 

~Jamie

April 11

Dear Diary,

IT HAPPENED IT HAPPENED!!!! ALEX ASKED ME OUT!!!!! Not to be his boyfriend or anything just a date but still. I'M SO EXCITED!!!!! It's on the 15th. 

How he asked me was really f*****g cool as far as I'm concerned. We were the last to guys in the locker room and he asked me if I wanted to check out his new tattoo. I was like sure so he first chucked me a sharpie and then ripped his shirt off and on his chest it said "Would you like to go on a date with me check yes or no". I was freaking dumbfounded. Maybe I shouldn't have been, but I was. It's a no brainer what I checked. He smiled and then FREAKING KISSED ME RIGHT THERE IN THE LOCKER ROOM!!!!! I mean I see couples kiss ALL THE TIME but I guess it just feels different when it's your "first kiss" (in quotes because I've kissed girls, just never a guy) ? I don't know if that makes any sense. If nothing else, I've never seen a homosexual couple kiss, not even Jess when he's had boyfriends. Our small town frowns upon gay anything.

Speaking of Jess he and his boyfriend just broke up. It sucks. He's been dating Jeramiah now for I want to say three years. He gave some bullshit reason, something about school and having a boyfriend was too hard. He's so full of it.

Peacing out, Jess should be here soon. I told him to come spend the night here, didn't want him dealing with this break up alone

~Jamie

April 16

Dear Diary,

So I just got back from my date (it's after midnight, hence the 16th). Words cannot describe how AWESOME it was!!!!!

We went to our small town Italian restaurant Mio's. It wasn't some gushy date. It was like hanging out with hand-holding and kissing and couple like things. He even paid for me :)

After that we went to the park and were just goofing around. We did things like went on the swings and took turns pushing each other, kissing under a bridge, and generally run around like crazy. It was so much fun!!!!! We did some star gazing too. 

I think we're going to be casually dating for a while and just keep getting to know each other. I'm excited to see where this is going to go!

In other news Jess is kinda doing better, but still really hurting. I'm really concerned. He used to be a cutter and I don't want him going back to that. I'm hanging out with him ALL THE TIME and just being really supportive. 

~Jamie

May 16

Dear Diary,

Sorry it's been a month. Lots of stuff has been going on in my life, some good some bad. I'll fill you in.

First off Jess is a hot mess. He was with this guy for 3 years and the break up was 100% unexpected. Jess was finally starting to feel better when BAM his ex starts dating someone new. I wanted to punch the guy. How the f**k could he do this to him?!? He wants to date someone else fine, it was the way that he went about it that was total d********g like. HE WENT UP TO JESS HOLDING THE NEW GUY'S HAND, TOLD HIM HE WAS DATING SAID GUY, AND KISSED HIM RIGHT F*****G THERE!!!! Who does that?!?!? I took out my revenge in gym. We were playing dodge ball and every chance I got I was pegging him with balls. Even hit his nuts a couple times. People should not f**k with my best friend. 

Second, I got a job! I work at Old Tales, the used book store in town. I do all kinds of random s**t, but the job pays well, and I freaking LOVE the owner. He's so funny. I've known him for as long as I've lived here. Whenever things got heated at home I come to Old Tales and just hang out. We've even had a few heart-to-hearts over the years, some even after I started working there.

Third and last, Alex. We've gone out on a bunch of dates, and I really want to officially be his boyfriend, and he wants to be mine. The problem: he says I have to come out to my parents first. I mean I've come out pretty much everywhere else, school, work, out in public, but my parents just don't know. He's been over to hang out, but it's no different than when Jess comes over as far as my parents are concerned. 

I want to fully come out, I really do, but I'm afraid too. My parents are the kind of people who have bumper stickers saying "WE HATE F**S" and all sorts of things like that. What if they don't let Jess or Alex come over? What if they make me transfer schools so I'm away from both of them? They really could do anything. There's not much I would put past them. I just don't know what to do. 

~Jamie

May 21

Dear Diary,

So my parents found out I'm gay in probably the worst way possible, mom walked in on Alex and me making out and probably told dad...FML

As you know yesterday was my birthday. I invited Jess and Alex over to hang out and have dinner with us. Alex and I snuck away upstairs to do our sort of thing, a sort of "birthday present" if you will. Usually I'm good about locking my door because my parents are known to barge in, but this time I forgot and wouldn't you know mom walking in with both our shirts off and him kissing/caressing my chest. My mom looked like she was about ready to murder me. I was afraid she was going to throw him out of the house.....literally. She was visibly that pissed off. She told us dinner was ready and stormed off. She has been ice cold to me ever since. I figured she would immediately run and tell dad, but that hasn't happened yet. Granted it's only been a couple hours, but still.

I told Jess what happened. He told me to talk to Alex about how to approach it from here, because he really doesn't know what to do. His parents were so cool about it when he told them. I know Alex's parents were not. I might call Alex later, as it is 1 am right now

~Jamie

Dear Diary,

Dad knows. They both just spent a hour screaming there asses out at me. I couldn't speak I was just a blubbering idiot. I thought my dad was gonna hit me or something. You know all about his anger problems. He's gotten much better. Hasn't hit me or anything in about a month.

I IMMEDIATELY called Alex, still sobbing, and asked him what I should do. He said maybe it was time I came out to my parents. It would be hard, but the process was already started as soon as mom walked in. I know he's right, but I'm still terrified. He offered to come over to be moral support, but I said it was a nice offer, but not needed. Truthfully I'd love for him to come, but with my dad's temper I don't want Alex to potentially be in harm's way. I'm hoping it won't come to that, but it just might. I should say it's not out of the realm of possibility. 

Time to face the music. Wish me luck.

~Jamie

Dear Diary,

So I told them. My mom cried and dad beat the s**t out of me then threw me down half a flight of stairs. I wish I was kidding you. He just kept hitting me and kicking me and tell me how dare I be gay and calling me all sort of derogatory names.

Damage report: At least bruised ribs if not a cracked one, bloody nose, possibly broken, black and blue eye, and a sprained ankle. I would go to the hospital, but what would I tell them, my dad beat the s**t out of me because I'm gay? Yeah no way. If I can stand I'm suppose to hang out with Jess and Alex tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

~Jamie

May 22

Dear Diary,

I can't stand so I had to give this lame-a*s excuse as to why I couldn't hang out today. I feel guilty but I just can't get them involved. Surprisingly enough I've never told Jess. My dad is a dangerous man when he's angry or drunk.

Don't get my wrong, my dad really is a great guy. It's just he has his moments, sometimes more than others. I don't mind really. I can usually tune out when he starts beating on me, and bones only get broken when he's really super pissed. I wasn't really all that surprised that he got so rough.

I meant to write 2 weeks ago, but I think Jess is cutting again. He's showing all the signs he used to. He's wearing long sleeves or long finger-less gloves or a jacket everyday, even though it's May. Even in gym there's something. He's being especially reserved, even to me. I haven't actually gotten the balls yet to ask him, but I think I'm going to next time I see him. I want to be wrong but I'm pretty sure I'm not

~Jamie

May 25

Dear Diary,

I can move! I look like s**t covered in bruised and have to use a cane and brace for my ankle (I'd use crutches but it hurts basically the rest of by body, and I'd rather just the ankle have a dull pain than my whole body screaming at me), but that's ok.

I was hanging out with Alex and Jess and at the same time they said I looked like s**t then asked what happened. I told them it was a bad bike accident, but I don't think they believed me. That's all I'm giving though, it's safest that way. 

I got Jess alone, and I was right :/ I don't know what to do. I want to keep him safe, but I'm not exactly in a position to go spend the night as his house, and he can't really spend the night at mine with my dad. I'm sure he blames Jess for me being gay. I'm gonna have to keep a close eye on him as best as I can. I told him to call me if he needs me, before he cuts. I hope he does.

On that front my parents are currently not speaking to me. I can't even eat with them. They just leave food for me in front of my door. It's a mess. I'm just glad they're feeding me.

The best part of being able to move is getting to go to school and work. It is my only reprieve. They don't care when I leave. Since I can't drive though it's difficult to get anywhere. Since my parents won't associate with me I have no idea how I'm going to learn how to drive, or get to DMV for that matter.

~Jamie

May 26

Dear Diary,

ALEX ASKED ME TO BE HIS BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!! I was hoping it would happen soon but I didn't think it would be this quickly! He said he's wanted to since our first date!!! It was SO CUTE!!! He showed up today in a suit and tie and first I ragged on him and then asked why he was so dressed up. All he said was he had something really important/serious to do today. After first block is announcements. Today Jess was one of the announcers. We're near the end and Jess says, "And now, a special segment brought to you live from room 111" (That's the room I'm in). Suddenly Alex walks into the room, right up to me, pulls roses out from behind is back, and asks if I'll be his boyfriend. I, of course, said yes and kissed him RIGHT THERE!!!! The rest of today is just a blur. I wish I could tell my parents, but I know how that would end. That also means that Alex can't come over, but that's ok. I'm going over to his house tomorrow.

~Jamie

June 1

Dear Diary,

So I ended up going to the emergency room. I was just in way too much pain. The doctors bought my bike accident for God knows what reason. Anyways to I got a bunch of x-rays and s**t done. I was right, my nose is in fact broken, and ribs are badly bruised. What I was wrong about, my ankle. The damn thing is broken. Now I'm in a wheelchair for probably a week, until I can use crutches(apparently it is not good to walk around on a well wrapped ankle, even when you're using a cane. I should have been put in some form of a cast and used crutches...)without being in an excruciating amount of pain. 

I was hoping my dad would would feel just a little bit guilty about what he did to me, but that was not the case. They still aren't speaking to me. He wouldn't even drive me to the ER, I had to have Jess drive me. Then he stayed with me THE ENTIRE TIME. Alex met us there and he stayed to. I'm the luckiest guy in the world, I have an awesome best friend and a very caring boyfriend. I don't know how I got so lucky.

~Jamie 

June 30

Dear Diary,

So I've got good news and horrible news, the two more or less unrelated. The good, for about a week I've been physically ok. Aside from my cast I'm all healed. No chair, no crutches, no cane, no nothing. It's a GREAT thing. Movement was a pain in the a*s, even with the cane. 

The horrible news, I was thrown out of the house. My parents just gave me $50 and told me either stop being gay or leave. I told them it wasn't a choice, and they told me to go pack my stuff then, they refuse to have a gay son. Then they asked me for my phone, told me they weren't going to support me in any ways aside from the money they just gave me. I'm currently in a park. I think I'm gonna sleep in this tunnel I'm curled up in right now. It's nice and secluded and I don't think I'll be found. 

I'm glad today was the last day of school, because I don't know when the next time I'll be able to shower is. I have no where to go. Let's evaluate: I don't have a phone so I can't call anyone, like Jess or Alex, I don't know when I'll see them again, I don't want to just blow through my money, I want it for food. I have no way to go anywhere, as I can't drive and even if I did I  don't have a car, and it's too dangerous to take my bike as it might get stolen, plus I'm in a f*****g cast for God knows how long. I feel royally screwed.

I'm glad I have a job, so I have some income. Unfortunately I only get paid once a month, and it's not much. I'm hoping since it's summer I can pick up more hours, but we'll see.

~Jamie

July 7

Dear Diary,

I'm still sleeping outside in that park. I have no idea when I'm going to be back indoors, but I can't wait. I really need a shower. Don't misunderstand, I've washed myself, just with bottles of water not stepping in a shower. I feel really gross.

I work tomorrow, and I'm really hoping Jess and/or Alex will come by so I can talk to them and see if they have any ideas. I'd call them on the work phone, but I don't have their numbers memorized. I just you caller ID and speed dial, I never need to manually punch in numbers.

$50 doesn't last you long when you live outside. Food isn't cheap, and I can't skimp because everything takes more energy in this heat. I've got enough to last me maybe tomorrow, but that's as far as it's going to go. 

~Jamie

July 8

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting in Jess's house right now, and I feel quite awkward for that matter. Jess is upstairs talking to his parents. 

As I had hoped, Jess came by near the end of my shift, which is when it is the least busy. He was originally FURIOUS with me (we don't like it when we can't get in contact with each other for an extended period of time without any kind of warning). Anyways once he figured out the reason everything thing changed. First he froze, then he told me I was coming home with him IMMEDIATELY after work. It's a good thing I have been bringing all my stuff with me, as there was NO WAY I was going to walk all the way from Jess's house back to that park in the dark.

So I've just been sitting here for about an hour now alone. I don't know what Jess and his parents are talking about, and I'm nervous. Are they gonna call the cops, report me? Find me a homeless shelter? Call my parents and b***h them out? I know it's just my anxiety but s**t does it suck.

Here they come. I'll write later I'm sure.

~Jamie

Dear Diary,

I'm sitting in Jess's guestroom, well, my new bedroom. That's right, his parents are going to let me live here!!!!! I can't believe it!!! I won't even have to pay rent. They're going to just treat me like a son, like they always have. They're even going to buy me a phone and laptop and new clothes and everything!!!! Jess's parents are SOOOO NICE!!!! I guess it runs in the family :D

Alright I have to shower and sleep, it's been a while since a really shower and good sleep

~Jamie

July 10

Dear Diary,

So Jess's parents, erm my new parents? That sounds weird. Anyways, so let's start off with what they've done for me/given me so far. I now have a freaking smart phone with unlimited texting, a touchscreen tablet/laptop, a tv, an allowance, and most importantly a roof over my head. What's coming, a freaking puppy(for Jess and I but still), a whole new wardrobe, and an itouch. That's just to name a few things!

Obviously his parents are rich, but the best part is no one in the family acts like it. I'm no less of a being than them for growing up poor. They regularly donate to different places, the whole family is like freaking saints!

~Jamie

July 15

Dear Diary,

Alex is not happy that I'm staying with Jess. I think he's jealous. He understands that right now this is the best case scenario. He'd love for me to move in with him, but one, that is way too fast, and two it just isn't practical. His parents aren't exactly comfortable with his whole being gay and having his boyfriend living with him....yeah that just wouldn't work out, we both know that. All the same he still wants me to find somewhere else, even if that means paying rent. That's not happening. We still argue about it, but I'm holding my ground.

In other news I'm all settled in here. New room, new stuff, new life. I'm even considering dropping my last name. I doubt I will but the consideration is exciting. At the very least I don't use it anymore. I want as limited association with them as possible.

We've got the puppy already!  She is 8 weeks old. We named her Izzy. She is the cutest thing EVER!!!!! Super huge love bug and just perfect for Jess and my personalities.

~Jamie

Learning the Ropes

August 7

Dear Diary,

Remember when I said this was a family of saints? Yeah the parents not so much. I understand Jess's mannerisms, like why he never yells and stuff. 

Gotta go back to the beginning. It all started good. Parents smiling, always helpful, made me feel at ease. It was like that for maybe a week. Then the fighting started. It wasn't often, only when I was supposed to be "asleep" I could only hear pitches, not words. Every week though it seems to get worse. I hope it can't get any worse than it is now. They fight about EVERYTHING!!!!! They even fight about Jess. It makes me want to either run into his room and hug him and cry, because I'm sure he can hear it too, or go downstairs and tell them to shut up, knock it off. Tell them their son is a great man and nothing to fight about. Tell them we can both hear their nasty words, and at the very least my heart aches and breaks with every word. I'm surprised they don't fight about me. Maybe that is to come. I don't know. 

I haven't talked to Jess about what I hear, that I know. I want to tell him that I understand, to a degree, his pain, his hurting himself, but I'm afraid to. I'm afraid his knowing would just make him hurt more. Maybe that doesn't make sense but it does to me. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm still grateful to his parents. I mean they took me in. They didn't have to. They've given me everything, food, a roof over my head. It's not my place to complain, but it still hurts none-the-less.

~Jamie

August 9

Dear Diary,

Sometimes, like now, I miss my old home. Dad may have been abusive, mom a spineless jellyfish, but it was still home. I still love them. Here is great, but not the same. The fighting here can really get to me sometimes, driving my missing where I use to live. 

I guess the really thing I miss is my dog, Jasper. I couldn't take him with me when I left because I didn't know how long I was going to be homeless, and my dad said whatever I left behind I couldn't come back and get later. I tried to go back over and...let's just say it didn't go well and I couldn't get Jasper. I really hope he's ok. I always took the best care of him. He's probably the only thing I really miss all that much. I love Izzy, she's so great, hyper all the time, loves to cuddle, but there is no replacing dogs; there is no replacing Jasper.

Alex and I don't fight about my living situation anymore. He isn't happy about it, but he finally realized that there aren't any other practical solutions. It took a month to get him to this point, but the important thing is I finally did. We're having other issues now, mainly one. He wants to take things a WHOLE LOT faster, like way faster than I'm comfortable with. I've always been......I don't want to say traditional, but I always like to move slowly. Talking baseball, I've never been past second base. It's just not my style. The farther you go the more emotions are involved. I just like going slow, always have. Well if Alex had his way we'd be at least on third, probably a home run. We don't argue about it, and he respects my wishes, but he makes it crystal clear that he is not happy about it in the slightest. I don't see the hurry here. It's only been a little more than two months. I really need to have an actual conversation and explain how it's going to be, then maybe he'll stop pressuring me to go farther. I won't lie, the pressure is tempting. There is a real fire between him and me, and I really like him. If I'm gonna keep going though, I have to know I love him, and it's just too soon. I'm not comfortable going farther yet.

~Jamie

August 21

Dear Diary,

School starts up again soon. I'm kinda nervous. Really I'm just worried about paperwork. I haven't talked to my parents at all since I left, minus trying to get Jasper but there wasn't exactly any communication. I might need to start. There are always forms for s**t that your parents have to sign. Jess's parents aren't my legal guardians, can they sign for stuff? So many freaking technicalities. I've thought about forging them when the time comes, but I've seen what happens when you get busted, and I have a lot of signatures on file. Maybe I'll go talk to guidance in a couple of days. Ms. Jamenson has always been really helpful, and super supportive. I'm not sure I ever told you this, not that it really matters, but she knows I'm gay. I mean the whole damn school does but I mean she knew before that whole asking out thing took place. I had this freak out one day shortly after Alex moved here. I ran into guidance crying and just walked into her office, which is way against protocol. I was freaking hysterical. I was scared about being gay. She listened to me for a solid hour at least just sobbing. When I started calming down she told me everything was ok. It was ok that I was freaking out, that it wasn't actually the first time someone had come in crying because they weren't straight. She said it was normal to be scared and confused. Most importantly though, she told me it was ok that I was gay, that it wasn't some huge sin, that God still loved me, and that everything was going to be ok. I guess that was what I was looking for. When I left she gave me a huge hug and said to come back anytime. Going to her is probably my best option. 

More news: things aren't going well with any guys in my life, really means Jess and Alex. Living with Jess has put a strain on our relationship, I'm not entirely sure why. We don't really spend any more time together, even though we live in the same house. I hope it'll change back soon, I kind of miss my best friend. With Alex there are two problems, the same as they have been only worse. He's gone back to being angry about my living with Jess. He thinks I should live with him, that we should find a way to get our own place. I think that is totally crazy, not to mention stupid. We're still in high school, only I have a stable job, and we're about to go back to school. and again way too fast for me. It's only been about 3 months. That moves into the next thing, moving too fast. He's started really pressuring me. I'm afraid of him sometimes now. I'm scared he's going to force me. I try to talk to Jess about it, but he's not really there anymore for me as I said before. It's all just a mess.

~Jamie

September 6

Dear Diary,

Things are falling back into place, thank god. I talked to Ms. Jamenson. She told me she'd talk to my teachers and stuff and it would all be taken care of, and it has been. They've all pulled me aside, told me they know, and said a signature from Jess's parents would suffice. Some even felt bad about my whole getting kicked out of my house. Others hold it against me, but that's to be expected. The school year has been really smooth, it's great!

I figured out why Jess was so peeved. It had to do with Alex. He said I deserved better, that he didn't like how I was treated, and he's right, as usual. I do deserve better. I shouldn't feel so pressured, he should respect what I want. Relationships are a two way street, and he wasn't treating it that way. 

That leads to the not so pleasant news. Alex and I are now in an "open relationship". We're still seeing each other, but we're free to see other people too. When I talked to him about his not respecting me, he pretty much freaked out. I know he thought about calling it all off right there, but decided maybe we should just try to test the waters with other people first, see what and who we really want. It hurts but I know it's for the best. I'm gonna try and go out there, but I'm not really sure how... Jess said he's going to a college party next week, it was likely some guys there would be gay, he knows some of them actually. I have no idea how he has all of these connections. Anyways I think I might go. I just hope that I won't be forced into anything there either. I feel like an outsider, wanting to take things slow. Is there no one else who wants to do the same?

~Jamie

September 14

Dear Diary,

So I went to that party. It actually went really well. As it turns out, there are people out there who want the same things as me, like taking it slow and stuff. 

At parties I'm very much a wallflower, at least when I don't know a lot of people. So I'm just chillin on the wall and this guy, Chris, comes up to me and starts talking to me. Apparently it might as well have been written on my forehead that I was uncomfortable, because everyone knew. He handed me a beer and told me it was time I loosened up and that he could show me a good time. I swear there was a twinkle in his eye when he said that. Anyways so as soon as I'm done with the beer he pulls me out onto the dance floor. I'm a terrible dancer, but so is he, so it worked well for the two. Eventually a slow song came on and I figured that was the end of dancing, but I was wrong. He looked at me and asked me, "Can I have this dance?" We started with a lot of space between us, but by the end it was body against body. As we each pulled away I gave him a gentle kiss. 

After that sort of thing happens the ambiance kind of changes for people. Well it changed for us. We decided we were going to wander off and just talk. We ended up in an empty bedroom, it was all there was left. We had a long, honest conversation. It was great just getting to know each other. We even talked about the kiss. That's how I found out he likes to take things slow. He told me he'd like to kiss me again, he'd like to see me again, keep getting to know each other, just date some, but take it slow. We've had a date since then, and have another one in about a week, maybe a little less.

It's not the same as with Alex, but that's ok. Maybe it's just that it's so new. I have no idea. I guess I'll find out :) I'm excited!

~Jamie

September 21

Dear Diary,

Things with Chris are going pretty well. It's nothing serious, and it's not going to become so, but it is fun. I finally know what it's like to be treated like I should in a relationship. He respects my boundaries and I respect his. I feel no pressure to do anything I don't want to. We went on a date, to the movies, and were just cute. He paid for me, put his arm around my shoulder, was just a real gentleman. We actually watched the movie, not make out in the back row, which was kinda awesome (first time that's ever happened on a date). So all of that is going well, but there isn't any real chemistry. There is a lack of passion and fire just in being together. 

~Jamie

October 15

Dear Diary

I broke it off with Chris, a while ago actually. I was done pulling on heart strings on someone I'm not that into. Him and I decided to be friends. He thought it was for the best. It's nice when the feelings are neutral. 

I'm swearing off guys for a while. I don't want to rebound, and I'm not liking this "break". He said he wants to talk to me, which probably means it's going to be completely cut. He probably found someone else. I'm happy for him. I do want nothing but the best for him, and that doesn't have to be me. I'm actually seeing him later today.

My relationship with Jess has skyrocketed! We are even better friends than we were before. I thought living together might f**k things up, but it totally hasn't, it's great! We've been spending more time together and I've been really getting to know him. He opens up to me more than before, and we share our opinions. I swear we're like brain twins or something with the opinions we share.

~Jamie

Dear Diary,

So Alex asked for me back! He told me he's been miserable without me. He actually started crying, which I had never seen before. I told him I had to think about it, and he said he understood. Basically my options are break up or go back to a single relationship, like just him and me. I mean isn't this what I wanted? I guess I'm just nervous he won't actually change. He swears he will, but I'm scared to believe him. Jess's opinion is biased, pretty sure God stopped being an option once I decided I was gay, so I need to make this on my own. UGH!

~Jamie 

October 18

Dear Diary,

Jasper is dead! My mom came by my work after my shift and told me. She wouldn't say how, but I'm betting it was my dad, I'm sure of it. The stupid drunk b*****d. Couldn't beat up his son so he took it out on the dog! I'm sobbing right now. I straight up sprinted home. He wasn't that old, he was a small dog. I want to beat the s**t out of my a*****e father!

The nice thing is mom asked when I was working again and said that she would bring me his ashes so I can bury him as I wish. We all know my f*****g father would just throw them away. It's nice to know my mom has some sort of positive feelings for me. She wouldn't look at me, or touch me (like handshake or hug or something), but she at least had the decency to show up and tell me.

D****t life sucks right now. I feel like I'm losing everything. Things weren't rough enough with this whole figuring out what to do about Alex thing, now my dog is dead! He was my BEST FRIEND! He was the only one I trusted aside from Jess. He stuck by my side, and was always there when I cried. Izzy can't just replace Jasper, it doesn't work that way. 

His death has made it clear as day that God hates me. He wouldn't have done this if he still gave a s**t. I had a feeling he left the day I realized I was gay, but now it's confirmed. All He's done is take everything away. I have no idea how Jess and Chris can still have faith, when it is clear what God's opinion is.

~Jamie

October 20

Dear Diary,

Alex and I are officially back in a monogamous relationship! (That means we're in a "closed" relationship). I'm not sure why we didn't just call it a break, because we pretty much didn't date AT ALL during this past time period, but whatever. Anyways it to me 5 days to come to my decision, which I know drove Alex CRAZY, but I did it. What is all came down to is I've really missed him and was ALWAYS thinking about him. As far as I'm concerned that means something. Besides, the worst that can happen is that he doesn't change, and then I can just break it off. I think he's worth a second chance, or a continued chance depending on how you want to look at it, and that's the important part.

Jess isn't particularly happy about my decision. He was an advocate in completely dumping him. He doesn't believe that people can truly change, that try as they might they have their desires. I don't think that way, and I'm hoping that I'm right and he's wrong, or if he's right I realize it quickly. The more invested you are in a relationship the more it hurts when or if it ends, for both parties.

In other news my mom is a huge chicken, or just a b***h, don't really know which. Instead of waiting until my next shift, she just dropped them off today and my boss had to call and tell me to pick them up. Guess she didn't have the balls to see her son again, or was just too angry. So stupid.

~Jamie

November 16

Dear Diary,
        Life is going really well right now! I'm loving it! Alex really turned around. Change can happen!!! We hang out more, and there has been no pressure what so ever :D I've actually taken/was given the lead in the relationship, well calling most of the shots mainly. Later this month it'll be 6 months that we've been dating. SO CRAZY!!!!! Jess is coming around too. He sees things are better, and he's kinda happy with me, but only kinda. I can't blame him. Like I said, things with Alex are great, but I'm still being cautious, which I know is smart. Gotta keep my heart as safe as possible.
        Alex says he's already got our anniversary planned out, says he has for a while. I'm excited but nervous at the same time. I love and hate surprises. I wish he would just tell me, but I know he won't, not his style. I'm sure it great, knowing him, but he's not dropping any hints or anything as to what I need to prepare for. It's driving me nuts. I guess my other worry is will the pressure come back after that.....I guess only time will tell.
        In terms of Jasper I decided not to bury him. I keep him in this nice wooden box and had it engrained with his name, birth-date and death-date (Mom wrote it on a little sticky note the exact day). This way he can always be with me. Even when I eventually move to be on my own, or when I go off to college, or anywhere permanent for whatever reason, I can take him with me. God do I miss him. I still cry about losing me. I just can't believe it. I could have saved him, I should have saved him.
        Thanksgiving is soon. It feels weird. I can't imagine what it will be like, aside from awkward. It's supposed to be a day about family, and I don't have one anymore :/ I love Jess and his family, they are great, but they lay no biological claim. I mean think about it, I lost not just my parents but the extended family too. I wonder what my parents will tell them when they come for Thanksgiving. Probably some obscure version of the truth.
~Jamie

December 3

Dear Diary,
        Wow is all I can really say. Some big things have happened these past few weeks. Rephrase, some big and or unexpected things have happened. I will be going in random order, because the days have been a blur and I can't remember what happened when.
        So let's start with Thanksgiving. It wasn't super awkward surprisingly enough. It was slightly painful as I miss my old home, which is stupid since I was treated like s**t, but still. I was expecting there to be all this family I've never met and stuff, because normally Jess has this HUGE Thanksgiving (he tells me about it every year). Instead it was just 6 people: me, Jess, his 2 siblings who came from out of town, and his parents. Apparently they had had a discussion and agreed a small Thanksgiving would be the best and fairest thing for me. I was touched.
        Next, I've been getting mail from my extended family, well some of them. A good chunk of the letters were about how it was BS that I was kicked out and gave me their phone numbers, told me not to be shy if I needed anything, and just all this stuff. Some even sent me money. Some of the letters made it clear that they did not approve of my being gay, but at the same time I still shouldn't have been kicked out. There have been 8 letters, but some had notes from multiple people. I thought my whole family was anti-gay, but maybe I'm wrong, or at the very least maybe love goes farther than I thought.
        Lastly, the 6th month anniversary date. This was the largest mind-f**k of them all. His parents are out of town so we went to his house and he cooked me dinner. Let me tell you he is one hell of a chef. Then we had a real heart to heart of sorts and this is when s**t got crazy. You have to understand, Alex has never been one to show his emotions or anything. Until that point I knew nothing about where he came from, but I sure do now. I learned many things about him, but all you really need to know is that he's been lying to me, he doesn't live with his parents, he lives with foster parents, he's older than I am by a year, and he has a brother who's two that he practically takes care of. If he can lie to me about something this big, what other kinds of lies is he capable of?

I told Jess about it all. He thinks I need to "dump his sorry a*s" (his words). I mean there is no denying that a knife just got stuck. Relationships are supposed to be based on trust, and I really can't trust him now. I just don't know what I'm going to do. 
~Jamie

December 5

Dear Diary,

I talked to Alex. We didn't break up. He did lots of apologizing, swears I can trust him. He explained his reasoning for not telling me about the foster care and having a brother, which was that he thought it would scare me off. I guess I can see where he's coming from. It's a very confusing situation to be in I would guess. As for being a year older, he just started school late. I don't know. I'm still hurt, and he's treading on thin ice right now, but I guess I'm just in a place where I can't break up with him. God feelings suck sometimes.

Jess is gonna be on my a*s about this. I know he won't like my choice, and honestly I can't really blame him. If the rolls were reversed I'd probably want him to dump his boyfriend. But then at the same time I can't just leave Alex. Freaking feelings making things more complicated. UGH!!!!!

~Jamie

December 11

Dear Diary,

I met Aiden today. Alex thought it would be a sign of trust. He wouldn't let just anyone into the kid's life. I have to admit, Aiden is f*****g adorable. This doesn't really change anything, but it's a start. I was touched, believe me, but I still can't trust him. I told him that I don't, and that it will take time. He says he respects that. I'm glad he does. God he's the greatest sometimes!

~Jamie

January 2

Dear Diary,

My mom sought me out, well kind of...I think... She didn't actually talk to me. See I was at work and I saw her outside. She was just pacing. I think I saw her look in the window a couple of times. Came up to the door once, then left. She was there for maybe an hour I think. I'm not sure, I don't pay much attention to time at work. My boss just tells me when my shift is over. I wonder what she wants now.

Other news: Christmas was weird. It's just all these pangs about not being at home. Kinda similar to Thanksgiving. Even weirder, I got presents sent to me, not just from Jess and his family. My extended family sent me some stuff, well some of them at least. I got one anonymous gift. I thought nothing of it, but now I'm wondering if maybe it was my mom. No especially exciting gifts: new clothes, shoes, money, couple of hats, couple fun things, stuff like that. The anonymous gift was a cross on a chain. It's nice. I might wear it, even though God ditched me. 

I thought it would get easier, the whole not being at home anymore. That has yet to be true. If anything it gets more difficult. I don't even know what I miss, I just miss it, home I mean. The cooking, the not fighting, the view from my room, random s**t really. There are perks here, but it's just not my old home.

~Jamie

February 15

Dear Diary,

I fucked up, big time. Alex said I love you, and I didn't say it back.....

So there's the end of the story, let's start from the beginning. So yesterday was Valentine's Day. Him and I went to the restaurant we had our first date at, remember, Mio's? Anyways so we're there, just finished eating, about to leave, when he grabs my hand and tells me that he loves me (well he just said I love you, and it was the first time he had ever said it, and I could see it in his eyes that he meant it). I know, it's really cliche to say it on V-day, but that's not the point. He said it, and I froze. 

He didn't seem hurt, but I still feel like a royal a*****e. Why didn't I say it? Do I not feel that way? Do I not love him? How do I know? This is all so confusing. I've never thought about it I guess, but now I think I need to start. If I don't want him pulling on my heart strings, then I shouldn't be pulling on his.

~Jamie

February 21

Dear Diary,

The past few days have been weird, and relationship changing. Up until yesterday him and I were avoiding each other for the most part. I can't blame him. I was taught I love you is a big deal, and I couldn't say it back. I wouldn't want to talk to me. And truthfully, I wasn't ready to fess up to how I felt, because I wasn't even sure. I was sure thinking about it, and coming up with nothing. Matters of the heart can be difficult, sucks. 

Anyways so we didn't talk to each other, and when we did yesterday I was afraid I was gonna lose him. He just had this look on his face and I just got this feeling. Then he used the classic "we need to talk" and mentally I was just like "oh s**t". I've heard it and used it plenty of times as a starter to the, "it's over" conversation. 

So he says we need to talk and then we both stand and stare awkwardly at each other for a solid 5 minutes, maybe longer. I wanted to say something, but I couldn't find my voice, I was scared. Besides looking back since he initiated conversation it was probably better that he spoke first. So finally he broke the silence said that he didn't know what to do. Said he loved me and didn't want to break up, but at the same time was afraid he and I weren't on the same page. Real "I love you's" are a big deal. Said he'd rather hurt now and walk away than waiting it out and me turning around and deciding I could never love him. Essentially he was just saying that I was pulling on his heart strings. He started to walk away, tears in his eyes, and I could feel my heart breaking. Alex was around the corner and out of site by the time I knew what to do and wasn't frozen. I started running, hoping I could catch him. When I saw him I yelled "WAIT!" and started all out sprinting. When I got to him I told him I love you too and then kissed him hard, trying to use my kiss to say I mean it. I'm pretty sure I was successful, as he is currently laying sleeping beside me in my bed. Let me be clear, there was NO home run, just second base, but it's the farthest we've been. All I have to say about it was it was AMAZING and it just felt right.

Alex is waking up, I'll write more later

~Jamie

Dear Diary,

I'm not exactly sure why I said I would write later. There isn't a whole lot to say. I just tell you how the morning went. Jess's parents were so chill. Jess was not, not even a little bit. 

Not a whole lot to say about his parents. They didn't flip out when they saw us come down the stairs, like I thought they might. Then took me aside and told me as long as they hear nothing then it's ok, which I thought was a really weird response but I can't complain. When I told Jess about what all happened later I thought he was gonna hit me. I have never seen him so angry, it's out of his character. He's currently not speaking to me. I don't get it. I know he's not a fan, but Alex has been great to me. All Jess will tell me is that he gets a bad vibe from him, whatever the hell that means.

~Jamie

April 12

Dear Diary,

I know it's been a while. I just haven't had much to say. Life has just been weird, and I've also been pretty freaking busy.

Start with the busy. There is an absurd amount of work being assigned. It's a pain in the a*s. I understand some of my classes are advanced and s**t, but even my academic classes are trying to kick me in the butt. It's always rumored that this year is the hardest, and I'm starting to think it's true.

Next, college s**t. SATs, ACTs, actually looking into schools, scholarships. So much stuff. I have no idea where I want to go, or even what I want to do with my life. There are just so many options. I just know I need high test scores and as many scholarships as I can get. Regardless of where I go it's going to be expensive, and I know damn well that my parents won't help out.

Lastly, work. My hours have been all over the place. I'm greatful for all the money I'm making, but it's hard, and there is no schedule. Some weeks I'm working almost everyday, just under the part-time hour max, and other weeks I'm only working once or twice, and rarely I even have a week where I'm not working at all, but that's only happened twice.

Now the weird. One is related to work. My mom keeps showing up. She doesn't come in, just stands outside and looks in. I can see the despise in her eyes, but at the same time there is something else, something I can't decipher. Part of me is glad she doesn't come in. She looks like s**t. It's clear she's not sleeping, and even with all the makeup caked on I can see the bruises. Guess dad turned heavy to the alcohol and takes aggression on her. I feel bad for her. I wish there was something I could do, but she hates me, and if I showed up my dad might just kill me......literally. At the same time though, I want her to come in. I miss her. I don't want to, but I do. She was a great mom. I want to give her a hug, talk to her, for just a little while be her son. I know it won't happen, but I still want it.

Next, Jess. He's been really detached. I know part of it has to do with the break up he had. It's been a fairly long while, but I know he really loved Jeramiah (the guy Jess dated for three years). Heartache's hard, a pain in the a*s. I try to comfort him, but he's just so detached. I think there is something else, some other conflict, causing the detachment, but I can't tell what it is. 

Last, Alex. Things are going ok I think, but he's been acting really strange. He always seems distracted. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing. This isn't strange, but we haven't been able to hang out as much. One of us always seems to be busy, usually him.

Completely side note, but I love this new base we've reached. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does it's total bliss. There is so much love and passion behind it. I know I can feel his love for me, I just hope he can feel my love for him too. I've been thinking maybe it's time for the next base, but I'm not sure. Might be too fast for me. I don't want to mess this up.

~Jamie

May 13

Dear Diary,

I'm so pissed off right now!!!! Jess just accused Alex of cheating on me!!!!! SUCH BULLSHIT!! He has no proof, just says he's getting a vibe or some such s**t like that. Alex would NEVER do that to me. We love each other!

~Jamie

Dear Diary,

I've calmed down now so I can be rational about this now. I'm still kinda mad at Jess, but not like I was. I was ready to just leave here and live on the streets again. Completely over the top, but whatever. Anger problems do run in the family.

Anyways I think part of the reason I got so mad is because I'm afraid he might be right. There has been this HUGE disconnect between us. I might just be over analyzing, I hope I am. Or maybe we've just been too busy? I can't ask him about it, well I don't think I can. I know if I were cheating, which I never would, I sure as hell wouldn't fess up to it to my partner. God I hope Jess is wrong.

~Jamie

May 30

Dear Diary,

I lost my job. This damn economy! My boss told me he hates that he has to let me go, but he can't afford to keep me on. I get it, but it's still such BS. I couldn't exactly afford to lose my job. I mean it's not that I do a whole lot, but I still need money. I was kinda hoping to move out. I love Jess, and his parents have been great, but the environment itself is just getting to me. All the fighting and s**t, the constant tension, it all just feels like too much. Plus I've been trying to save up for college, because god knows my parents won't help me. 

On that note, I know part of the reason I'm upset by this is that it means I won't see my mom anymore. She was stopping by at least twice a month for the past 4 months. We never had a conversation, it was just nice to see her. It's probably for the best though, the not seeing her I mean, not the losing the job, because when I saw her although it was great it also really hurt. It'd maybe have been different if there was an exchanging of words, but that never happened. It's all kinds of confusing in my head.

I haven't told Jess yet, or Alex, or anyone for that matter. It's been a couple days since I was let go. Truthfully I've been putting it off, for a couple reasons. First, I don't want there pity or whatever. Anyone I tell will just feel sorry for me or some such s**t, and I have no desire to deal with that. Second, because I'm not ready to admit to it, even to myself. Saying it out loud adds a realness factor to it, one I'm just not ready for. 

Otherwise life is ok I guess. Junior year is keeping me busy. I feel like I have no free time. I mean it's not necessarily a bad thing. I've always liked being busy. I guess a "perk" of sorts to losing my job is I have more time for school. I think some of my grades have slipped, but I won't know until the end of the year. All the s**t in my life killed my motivation.

Nothing exciting about my birthday. I had school, and work (my last day of it), and then schoolwork. I got to pick what we had for dinner, so that was nice, and there were some presents, also nice. My birthday really has just become painful though. So close to my getting kicked out. All the same it wasn't a bad day, just hard

Alex and I are ok. We celebrated a year 2 days ago. It was the first time we've really gotten to hang out and just be in a while. 

On that note, I've pretty much put that whole Alex cheating on me behind me. There is no way he would, especially with the whole brother thing. It's silly for me to question it.

~Jamie

June 15

Dear Diary,

Jess found out I lost my job, and he's the only one who knows. I'm not entirely certain how he figured it out, he's just observant or something. He just came up and asked me like last week if I was still working at the bookstore. He was a little pissed at first just because I didn't tell him, but he's over it now. He got over it quite quickly actually. 

I've been looking for a new place to work. You would think since it's summer there would be more people hiring, and there are quite a few, but I keep applying and hearing nothing back :/ It's so frustrating!

~Jamie

June 21

Dear Diary,

As I write this I am sobbing. Today has been hell. I got my report card in the mail, and I failed 2 classes!!! I won't have to retake either of them, but it still sucks!!!!! Now colleges will see it, and my GPA took a pretty big hit. 

This is not why I'm crying though. I'm crying because I found out Alex was cheating on me, and he broke up with me at the same damn time!!! I would elaborate, but I can't really see the page, I'm crying too hard :(

~Jamie 

June 23

Dear Diary,

The past few days have been rough. I know it's to be expected, but it still sucks. Everything hurts. I haven't really left my room since it happened. I don't want to plaster on some smile and pretend everything is ok. Even if I did want to, I just can't. It's not like there is anywhere I need to be anyways. School is out, I don't have a job, and the only 2 people I really hang out with are Jess and Alex.

I can't believe this happened to me. What did I do to deserve this s**t! UGH! I love Alex, I was considering moving in with him, I was about ready to hit a home run. Why does everything good in my life have to fall apart.

I had little faith in god left to begin with, but now it's just gone. Is there one, sure why not, but he does not have my best interest in mind. He doesn't give a damn about me. Screw him!

~Jamie

Everything Changes

July 5

Dear Diary,

I'm in a reflective sort of mood today. Just analyzing the past year-ish. It's just weird, and kind of depressing to think of. Everything was so much simpler before I found out I was gay. I lived with my parents, had Jasper, was well liked at school and was doing well, had a great boyfriend that I love(d), even had a job. Sure dad was abusive, but it was livable, and for a while he was even getting better. I've lost it all. Thrown out of my house, dad killed Jasper, failing classes, lost my job, dumped by the love of my life. Jess's parents are great, I'm grateful that they took me in and treat me like a son, but it's not home and probably never will be. You can't just fill those sorts of holes, minus the job one and classes. I feel like such a failure. I wish I never found out I was gay!

~Jamie

August 1

Dear Diary,

Sorry it's been so long. Honestly not much has happened. Since I don't have a job I don't see mom anymore, which bothers me. Not that we ever talked, but it was just nice to see her face. I miss her, and I wonder if she ever even thinks about me. I know my dad thinks I can burn in hell, that's his thought process for anyone who is gay, but I want to believe that maybe my mom still loves me.

On the job front, I still don't have one. Trust me, I've been looking, and even applied a few places. I guess I'm just not what anyone is looking for. It's so frustrating! It's not that I need a source of income exactly, it would just be nice to have one. I also want to start saving for college, since obviously my parents won't be helping me pay for it. I haven't talked to Jess's parents to see if they would be willing to help out, but I'm kinda afraid to ask. It's a lot of money. I still have a while to figure it all out, I don't even know where I want to go, but it's anxiety provoking none the less.

There really isn't much going on in my life. School starts in a few weeks. I'm nervous. I'm sure it will be fine (at least that's what I'm telling myself). Just don't want to fail classes again. 

Jess convinced me to go to a college party tonight. Well not exactly a college party as school hasn't started for them, but the party is hosted by a college student. He says all my isolation is bad for my health or some such crap. We'll see how it goes. He is of course coming with me (like hell I would go alone). 

I'm still not over Alex. God I miss him so much everyday, it's ridiculous. I don't see him often which is good. I don't think I could handle it if I did. I feel kind of pathetic. Like my brain knows it was just a boy, I can find another (hypothetically), but my heart still yearns for him. I miss his smell, his touch, his taste, everything.

~Jamie

August 2

Dear Diary,

So the party went surprisingly well last night. I honestly thought I was going to have a terrible time going in, but that did not happen at all. I also thought it was going to be awkward just because I'm not in college yet, but I was wrong about that too. I probably should have figured as much, but still. Jess has been going to them for a while, college-age parties I mean, and I think I'm going to start going with him more often. He'd been trying to convince me for a while, says everyone needs a wing man, whatever that means, but I was just too depressed. Now I wish I had started going sooner. There was good music, all the people were pretty nice, and I finally got to drink beer, which probably shouldn't be so exciting to me, but it is. I didn't get drunk or anything, never will, but it was a fun experience.

~Jamie

August 27

Dear Diary,

I have a date in a couple days. So I've been going to parties with Jess right, and at them there are just some regulars, like people who just always seem to be at them. Well at the past few that I've been to, there has been this guy, Chris. We'd starting talking and apparently flirting (I was unaware I was doing this) and at the last one he asked if I wanted to get lunch with him sometime.

In other news school starts soon. I'm still nervous, but not as much. I think the hardest part is going to be seeing Alex again. I just hope we don't have any classes together.

~Jamie

August 30

Dear Diary,

I just got back from my date with Chris. It went pretty well I think. We just ate and started to get to know each other. It was really relaxed which was nice. I felt like there was no pressure for me to be someone. Very different from dates with Alex. 

~Jamie

September 5

Dear Diary,

School just started and already it's not looking promising. My classes are going to be really hard and take a lot of work. So much for an easy senior year. I wasn't really referring to the classes themselves though, that's just an extra. I was talking about socially. For starters, Jess isn't in any of my classes, while Alex is in half of them. Also the whole being gay thing has now become a problem in the eyes of my peers. Dirty looks, snide comments, being avoided, all the s**t Jess has been putting up with for years. 

On a totally different note things with Chris are ok. It's all very casual, kinda nice actually. There is no pressure to do anything. We mainly just talk and hang out. We've kissed a couple times but that's about it in terms of like sexual things. With Alex there was always sexual tension, even from the start. Like i knew he wanted more than I was willing to give. I probably shouldn't compare Chris and Alex so much, but I can't help it. I don't bring it up with Chris though, it's all just in my head. I know the "rules". No/minimum talking about ex's. 

~Jamie

September 19

Dear Diary,

Life is hell right now. Okay mainly school is but hey, that is most of my life so... Anyways my classes are already kicking my a*s, well some of them at least. It's too early in the year to say that I'm failing, but I can say I'm on the fast track to that happening. I do the homework and s**t, but we get all these quizzes and I bomb most of them. I'm not sure what to do.

The bullying is getting worse. It's starting to get physical. Nothing major, not yet at least. Just shoved against lockers mostly, and s**t getting thrown at me in class. There have been blatant threats to beat me up, but it has yet to happen, and I hope it stays that way.

~Jamie

October 3

Dear Diary,

Not a whole lot has happened since my last entry. I just wanted to tell you that Chris and I broke it off. It was a mutual agreement. We realized we were each not over our last ex's and didn't want to hurt the other, just wasn't fair. We're going to remain friends and still hang out and stuff. He really is a great guy. Maybe one day in the future him and I could be a thing, but not right now. I'm sad that it's over, but not heartbroken. These sorts of things are just always painful in some capacity.

~Jamie

December 26

Dear Diary,

So a lot and not a lot has happened since my last entry. Plenty has happened, but not much that has not previously been mentioned I guess. I don't know. Everything just feels like it's crumbling. Like the longer this s**t goes on the worse it feels. School is a nightmare. No one has full out beat the crap out of me, but I've been punched a couple times. Everyday I'm getting something thrown at me, tripped in the halls, or shoved against lockers, sometimes all three in the same day, among other things. Verbally and emotionally is even worse. I think was sucks the most is the faculty sometimes even sees it happening and they do absolutely NOTHING. The only adult who has been helpful in any capacity is Ms. Jamenson. God I freaking love her. Best guidance councilor ever. So many times I end up in her office sobbing. She just listens and tries to offer advice. That is all she can do and that is enough. 

Christmas was ok. I've been here for a while now, over a year and a half, and I still feel like an outsider. It's nothing Jess or his family does, I just feel like I don't belong. 

Still nothing on the job front. I was hoping with the holiday season I would at least have a temporary job, but that did not pan out. It"s all getting really frustrating. I don't need the money per say, it would just be nice. It sucks being able to drive and not having a car, and college is coming fast and I definitely need money both to apply and pay for it and all that stuff. I know Jess's parents are fine with covering some things, I just hate feeling so reliant on them. And the big things, like getting a car and college stuff, I don't even dare asking them if they will cover. Even if they would (which is not out of the realm of possibility), I wouldn't want them to. Some of it is pride, but most of it is just a moral thing. 

~Jamie

January 12

Dear Diary,

That's it, I'm so done with everything. School has hit a whole new low. I got thrown into a freaking dumpster today. GAH! Why won't the school do anything? Why does this s**t just happen? It's BS!

I hate my life. I know that sounds over-dramatic, but it's true! I've lost most of my friends, I was kicked out of my house, Alex broke up with me, I lost my job, and the icing on the cake, I"m failing two classes, Spanish and Pre-Calculus! I don't know what to do anymore. Talking to Jess doesn't help, talking to Ms. Jamenson doesn't help, nothing does!

~Jamie

January 15

Dear Diary,

I "learned" something today. I don't know if I've ever told you this, but Jess used to cut, starting back in middle school up until last year when he finally decided it was time to, as he puts it, focus on recovery, whatever that means. Anyways, I never understood why he did it. It just looked painful to me. I understand now, because I tried it. I've been desperate to find something for a while now, so I figured why the hell not. I didn't actually think I would get anything from it, but I was wrong, I got a lot from it. Everything about it is freeing. 

Secrecy will be the key to it all. It should't be all that difficult though. Just have to keep them covered. I know how Jess did it, so I can just take that lead.

I feel like I should be scared by this, but I'm not. Is it dangerous? Probably, but I really don't care. I just want to feel better. Besides, what could possibly go wrong?

~Jamie

March 3

Dear Diary,

I keep waiting for life to magically get better, and it's not and it's frustrating. While cutting helps alleviate the pain and give me back some control, it's not the do all end all. The bullying at school is just getting worse, and no one is doing a damn thing about it. Everyone just turns a blind eye. I's like being gay makes me an untouchable like in the caste system. I've never felt so invisible.

On the note of cutting, clearly it's still going on. I do it 3 to 5 times a week. I need better utensils though. What I have just isn't sharp enough. I also need more band aides. Those are the tricky things, getting them without anyone knowing. Not sure how I will do it.

I miss my job, mainly for two reasons. One, I really liked working there. My boss was great and my sexuality didn't matter. I was making decent money and it was fun. Two, I miss seeing my mom. That sounds stupid, but it's true. Even though we never really talked, and even though it was painful to see the bruises and everything and knowing the pain she's going through, it filled a hole in my heart. Cheesy sounding, but true. Don't miss my dad one bit, don't miss the abuse, just miss my mom and want her back in my life. Her coming to see me at work made me think maybe she's forgiven me for being gay, realizes it's not my fault. I'll probably never know.

~Jamie

March 9

Dear Diary,

As I read back on the past entry, it is crazy to see how much has changed in the past 6 days. It feels like both a lot and very little all at the same time. 

I finally got a job, well two kinda sorta-ish. I'm going to start babysitting, so that will be sporadic, but an income is an income. The other is I got a job at a grocery store. I was pretty sure I would get that one. I was just trying to exhaust all of my options before resorting to that. It isn't ideal, it really isn't what I want, but until I have a car and can go out of town to work it will do. Maybe I'll get to start seeing my mom again, as it is where she shops. However, it also means I might see my dad, which is scary.

I saw Alex today with another guy. They were kissing so I'm pretty sure they are together in some way. I mention this because I wanted to point out that it didn't hurt as much. I think I'm finally starting to get over him, so that's nice. I don't think the pain will ever completely go away, but it'll get easier and at some point I'll realize I've moved on.

On the note of moving on. I've moved on from cutting with kitchen knives. I went out and bought razor blades, as well as bandages and such. Knives or whatever else sharp I could get my hands on in the house just wasn't working anymore, and I knew that Jess used to use blades. There is such a rush. More danger, more blood, more everything pretty much! I'm hoping with this step up I'll feel the need to do it less. Hopefully I will because I'm running out of skin that I can hide.

I've starting trying to find God and figure out if he actually hates me, or whatever it is. While I enjoy cutting and find it helpful and am not ready to stop, this isn't how I always want to live my life. I never thought I'd get here in the first place. I can't turn around, but maybe knowing God will help me stop one day. All I'm doing is praying, but it's a place to start.

I think that's it. Like I said, a lot and a little bit all at once.

~Jamie

May 15

Dear Diary,

Two pieces of good news. One, I pulled up my grades!!! This whole year has been rough, but this quarter I'm thriving and I think it will even everything out. That is just about the only thing going well at school, but whatever. Two, I'm finally over Alex. I see him all the time, both with and without other guys, and it doesn't hurt. It really doesn't matter at all. I still think about him sometimes, but not as often, and not like I used to. That's all I had to say.

~Jamie

June 20

Dear Diary,

I don't know how to feel these days. School's out for the summer, which I thought would make things easier, but that isn't how it's working out. I'm really numb most of the time. I'm here to tell you, numb sucks. Only thing that always brings me out of it is cutting. I was down to once a week for a while, but it's picked back up. The good news in this regard is, still, no one knows. Jess would be so pissed if he found out, and he might even blame himself, I don't know.

Weird thing that happened. I saw my mom twice in one day. It happened a couple of days ago. The first time was accidental. She happened to be at the grocery store and we saw each other for the first time since I started working there. It hurt a little bit to see her. She looks like hell, thanks to dad I'm sure, which makes my heart hurt, plus it was a big reminder of how much I miss her. I didn't think not having her in my life like I used to would hurt so much. Anyways, the second time I saw her I know was not an accident. I was working the night shift, so I got off at 1, and she was standing in the parking lot, waiting for me. Neither of us spoke, I wish I had, we just walked toward each other, she gave me a really big, long hug like she used to, one where you can't help but feel loved, handed me an envelope, and then walked away. I still haven't opened it yet. I'm scared to for some reason. I just don't know what to expect, which makes me anxious.

Big news! I got a car for my birthday! Jess's parents gave it to me. Jess got a car for his birthday too last month, and they thought it was only fitting and fair as I am practically their son as well. The practically hurt a little bit, just because I've been here for so long, and I still don't fit. This still isn't a home, and I don't think it ever will be :/

~Jamie

PS- I know the car announcement is late. I just didn't have any other reason to write until now.

June 25

Dear Diary,

I am balling my eyes out right now. I opened the envelope from my mom about an hour ago and I haven't stopped crying since. Good tears, no worries. I don't even know where to start. She said so much! 

I'm not gonna label it, it's all important, all highlights, this is just what I'm willing to share. She apologized. She said she never hated me. She said she will always love me, that I will always be her son. She told me that when dad kicked me out it broke her heart. She said sorry for the all birthdays and holidays she's missed (and put a check in the envelope as a present). She told me I am growing into a handsome young man, that she hates having missed my growing up these past few years. 

What I will label the best part was her telling me that she doesn't know how, but that she wants to start talking again! I'm sure it will have to be in secret, dad would flip a s**t if he knew there was any communication between us. That doesn't matter though! What matters is that she wants to talk to me!

~Jamie

July 5

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling really isolated these days. The only person there for me is Jess, and I don't know how to talk to him now that I'm hurting myself. Even if I had other friends like Jess, I couldn't really talk to them either. How to you explain being in so much pain that you have to hurt yourself to cope? It's been months and still no one knows what I'm doing. It's both amazing and s****y at the same time. Amazing because I can get away with it. S****y because it just means I really am that invisible.

~Jamie

August 7

Dear Diary,

S**T! WTF JUST HAPPENED?!? I mean I know what but....GAH! I'm so confused! Stuff to tell you...NOW!

Jess walked in on me while I was cleaning up after having cut myself. Normally I lock the door, but apparently I forgot to this time. Anyways, he walks in, sees the blade, and my bloody leg, stares at me for a hot minute, and then starts crying. I'm just kinda standing there with this like deer in the headlights look. After like 5 minutes Jess snaps out of it and starts helping me clean up my leg (which at that point was still bleeding). Neither of us say a word. After another few minutes, after my leg is all cleaned up, I tell him I'm sorry. I expected him to flip a s**t at me. No. He...oh man...I...jeez, I start straight up sobbing. He came over and wrapped me in a hug, and he told me it would be ok. We sat there for like 30 minutes at least. After I was less of a sobbing mess he pulled away. I asked him not to hate me, and he said he never could, he loved me too much for that, that we had been through so much. I told him I loved him too, and I went to give him a hug when...o man...he kissed me! I'm not talking like friendly kiss either, I'm talking emotional one. And it wasn't like he kissed me and I just stood there. No, I was kissing him back! When it was over, neither of us said anything, he just picked up the blade from my floor and ran.

I don't know what to do! I can't process what just happened! It's like it was some dream/nightmare thing (nightmare only because of the cutting piece). The one person who I could talk to about this I can't because it's him that is the.....for lack of better words problem. I don't even know how I feel besides confused. GAH!

~Jamie

August 10

Dear Diary,

Time to process. Shock has more or less worn off. Jess and I still haven't spoken, and honestly, I don't want to until I have a better idea of how I feel.

It was really strange, looking back, I see that I felt...I guess alive maybe...when he kissed me. I have been feeling so stuck and numb for months now. I was just kinda going through the motions. But during the kiss...I don't know, I just felt...I can't explain it, all I know is it was better than I had felt in a long time.

Am I interested in my best friend? Is that even a good idea? Do I want this to go somewhere? I think I might be. It kinda scares me, but also excites me.

~Jamie

August 14

Dear Diary,

Jess and I have not spoken since the kiss, which, frankly, sucks. When you already feel isolated, your best and pretty much only friend not talking to you makes things a whole hell of a lot worse. I think I'm going to "man up" for lack of better words and approach him and make us talk. Avoiding each other isn't going to get us anywhere. 

I want to know where that kiss came from. Were feelings attached on his end? Do I 100% know how I feel about the whole thing? Absolutely not. All the same, I need to know how he feels. Even if the kiss meant nothing to him, I want to hear it from him, and really I just want my best friend back.

Random side note: the praying thing is weird. I don't feel like it's accomplishing anything really, but I'm not sure that it is suppose to. The one thing it is doing is giving me "someone" to talk to. Writing to you is great, but it's not the same as talking things out.

~Jamie

August 15

Dear Diary,

It's after midnight, but I need to talk about this now, and I'd rather it be here than out loud.

I just finished talking to Jess. It's crazy, we started talking at 9:30 and we just finished all of 5 minutes ago. Anyways, I have my best friend back, and also a boyfriend. We're going to take things slow, not putting it on social media or telling people or any of that, not yet.

I kinda jumped the gun, as I didn't tell you how I got to this point. So at 9:30 I knocked on his door and went in. He was sitting at his computer. When he turned around he froze. I told him we needed to talk about what happened last week. He got up and told me there was nothing to talk about, that we could just pretend the kiss never happened. That's when I figured out (more so) how I feel about him and us, because as he was walking away I said, "What if I don't want to pretend it didn't happen? What if, unless you don't want to, I want it to happen again?" Heart talking out of my head I guess. Why can't it ever just communicate these things to me first? Anyways, that made him turn around. I swear there was this glitter in his eye as he asked if I meant that. He closed the distance as I said you tell me, and then I kissed him. It was slow and soft and sweet.

After that, we just talked for a few hours, about pretty much everything, starting with my self harm. He was surprisingly not angry at me about it like I thought he would be. He suggested I start seeing a therapist. I'm not sure how I feel about that, or if I can even swing it. I can't afford therapy for one. I know it's expensive. Second I just don't know that I'm the therapy type. I told him I'd think about it. 

Then we talked about feelings in terms of us. Apparently he's had a crush on me for months, but just couldn't own up to it. I was honest and told him I wasn't 100% sure how I feel, which he understood. I told him how I was scared, just because I don't want to mess up the friendship should we try and it doesn't work out. He admitted he was scared too, which is why we're going to take things slow. The next couple of weeks will be sort of like a trial run. We also agreed that we would stop saying I love you to each other in any capacity. Yeah we love each other as friends, but we know at this point that that is understood. If feelings get more serious then we have the space to say it and know how we mean it.

We talked about other things, but those are the highlights. After talking we kissed goodnight and then I went to my room.

It's all kinda surreal. I never thought I would date my best friend. Before I knew I was gay I guess I had a crush of sorts (not recognizing it as it was), but that was from when I was like 10 until I was 12, maybe longer I'm not entirely sure. I didn't think anything of it. Now here I am, kissing Jess, trying out being in a relationship again.

~Jamie

Beginnings and Endings

August 25

Dear Diary,

Couple of things to talk about. First, Jess. Things are going pretty well there. The great thing about (trying to?) date your best friend is you already know a lot about them, so in what feels like a lot of ways things don't feel so...I guess awkward might be the word I want. It has its own struggles though. It's not really struggles, more of just an adjustment. Every relationship has its own set of...let's call them rules (as relationships can be like a game in some respects). Jess and I had one set for so long, and now it's slowly changing as we "switch games". I don't mind though. It feels safe since we're not rushing things. I was afraid things would feel awkward or forced, but being with him just feels natural and good. We haven't kissed again since the night we talked, we thought that would be best, but there are other ways to be intimate. Even something small like holding hands...I don't know how to explain exactly how it feels, but it feels good.

Second: anxiety (and there's a lot of it). I start school soon, which is really only anxiety provoking because it's senior year. I don't want a repeat of last year. I'm also anxious about seeing Alex. Well, it's not so much seeing him as his reaction to me and Jess. I know him well enough to know he is going to be PISSED. He was always jealous of the relationship between us. I can only imagine what all will happen when Jess and I do go public, and no scenario is good. On the Alex note, I saw him the other day. It was weird. He's decided that he wants to be friends, which I want no part of. I told him that, that I don't want that, and told him to back off. I don't think he's going to, mostly because he said so, but also because I know him. He does what he wants, no regard for how another person feels. The last thing I anxious about is in relation to therapy. I considered what Jess said, and I've decided I'm at least going to give therapy a try. As for funding, I'm going to ask Jess's parents if they would be willing to pay for it, which brings it's own anxiety. I don't think they'll have a problem with it, it's just a crappy position to be in as it means I'll need to give them some sort of idea what is going on, maybe even tell them I've been cutting, I don't know yet. I'm going to talk to Ms. Jamenson and see if she can recommend anyone.

Last: Mom. She left a note for me in the mailbox the other day. We're going to meet up on the 31st at the playground. I'm excited to actually get to talk to her, not just see each other, or only have like a one sentence "conversation". This will be our first full blown conversation since I got kicked out. I hope neither of us get busted by dad, because there is no way in which that would end well. The park is far enough away I don't think we'll get caught, but nothing is predictable when it comes to that a*****e. I'm more concerned for mom than me.

~Jamie

August 31

Dear Diary,

My meet up with mom was AMAZING!!! We couldn't meet for long for safety reasons (obviously), but that's ok. I know I have talked about missing her, but I don't think I realized just how much until today while I was with her. I actually felt really embarrassed at the end, but I'll talk about that later. 

Nothing exciting happened or anything. We just sat there and caught up (well as much as we could). It was amazing just because she was there, having a conversation with me. I wasn't sure that was ever going to happen again for so long. We both apologized for so many things that honestly didn't need apologizing for. Still, I think my apologizing brought me comfort.

At the end she gave me a note and told me not to read it until school started. I'm kinda anxious about it. I'm sure it's good, I just don't know what to expect at this point. 

I started crying as she was leaving, because I didn't know when I'd see her again and I didn't want to go back to missing her. She came running back, gave me a huge hug, and told me this wasn't like when I got kicked out, or any of the other times she saw me and left. I can't contact her, as that is too dangerous, but she said there would be letters and texts and phone calls when possible (I gave her my cell phone number).

As I was walking home from the park it just suddenly dawned on me. All this stuff is happening with my mom, and Jess has no clue. Is that a bad thing? I haven't been hiding it or anything, it just never seemed relevant when we were talking, that or it just didn't cross my mind at the time. What should I do? Do I tell him? I mean of course I do, but how? Is he going to be mad? Will he think I was trying to hide it? UGH!

~Jamie

September 3

Dear Diary,

Telling Jess about the stuff with my mom was actually surprisingly "easy" and painless. I worried for nothing. What happened was he saw the envelope and asked where it was from. I told him everything right then and there (no point in lying or hiding any of it) and asked if he was mad. He was totally fine! He said he was happy we were reconnecting. He also said he had an inkling because he saw when my mom put a letter in the mailbox, but he didn't want to approach me about it, wanted me to come to him. Then I told him it wasn't intentional or anything, the not telling him sooner, and he said he knew and understood that too. He's so understanding, always has been. I can't believe I'm so lucky to have a best friend (and boyfriend?) like him. 

I put the boyfriend with a question mark as we still aren't public about it. He told me he wants to be, but that there was no rush. Said he's waited this long for me, he can wait longer. He also said it was my choice when we go public about it, and, in general, how fast we go. Like we still have to talk about it, but the likelihood that he will have a problem with it is low. I think I want to be open about it soon. This is going to sound stupid, but I miss his kiss, and I know that that won't happen again until we're out of this "trial" period. That's really what this is. It's not about having people know, it's that I want to make sure I'm not using him or anything. I don't want to hurt him. So I'm going to be 100% sure before we go any farther.

We've been on a date, just to see what it was like, how it would feel, that sort of thing. It went really well! We just went out to eat, and it was nice. It felt natural. I mean we've done it before as friends, but this still felt different. Feelings and stuff are so hard to explain. 

Last thing, anxiety. As the school year approaches, I'm getting more and more anxious. To try to manage the anxiety I'm cutting more. I'm in control but also out of control. It's a s**t storm. Jess knows, I'm being honest about it. His parents know too, but they don't really give a f**k. They've always been pretty detached. Even before I was living here I saw the detachment when I came over. Anyways most of the anxiety revolves around talking to Ms. Jamenson about starting therapy. Terrifies the s**t out of me. I already talked to Jess's parents, they said they would, so that anxiety is gone, which is nice. I don't care all that much about Alex anymore. Let him be pissed or whatever. I'm not his anything, not boyfriend, or even friend at all, so it's really none of his business. Finally class load. Just like before, I really don't want a repeat of last year. Trying not to go over the edge, and school is so important to me, I don't want to mess this up and have it push me too far. It's ridiculous that I'm worrying this far in advance, but I am. UGH! I hope Jess is in some of my classes for once. It would be the first time since 6th grade. Senior year with my best friend in my classes would be perfect. 

~Jamie

September 13

Dear Diary,

School started. Nothing too terribly exciting as of yet. Of course, freaking Alex ended up in most of my classes. UGH! This makes it next to impossible to avoid him. He's bound and determined to make me his friend. Not gonna happen. He can try all he freaking wants. I did get some good karma though. Jess is also in most of my classes! About damn time! Means I have a good study partner, among other things of course.

I did what mom asked and opened the envelope she gave me on the first day of school. It had two notes in it. By the end I was balling. The first one was about how she wished she could see me off for my senior year. It's a big moment in her eyes. She compared it to going to my going off to kindergarten, how that was a start, and this is an ending. The last first day. The first letter also explained the second one (kinda). My first day of kindergarten my mom wrote me a note she wanted me to read on my first day of my senior year. She literally started the note as she was watching me get on the bus. I can't believe she kept it that long.

I talked to Ms. Jamenson. I made sure to get the name of Jess's therapist first, to make sure we didn't end up seeing the same person. She helped me schedule an appointment with someone. The lady's name is Sara. Apparently she specializes in helping those who are part of the LGBT community. My appointment is the 15th. I can't believe I'm doing this. I never thought I would end up in freaking therapy. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with therapy, I'm not like against it or anything, I just never thought that it would be me sitting across from one. Dad is SUPER against them, so I didn't think therapy was a possibility.

~Jamie

September 15

Dear Diary,

So I only have a couple of things to talk about. First: therapy. It went well. Sara seems pretty awesome. I thought it was going to be awkward, but it really wasn't. I was also afraid, because she's a Christian therapist (that's what you get for going to a school with Christian principles). Thus far though she hasn't thrown religion down my throat. Most of it was like a get to know you "game". I was anxious about this session for a lot of reasons, but one is because I've heard of the whole "therapist shopping" thing, you know, going between people because you can't find the right one. Jess had to do that. Anyways so that's what I was afraid was gonna happen. Not the case I'm pretty sure. I mean it's a professional relationship of sorts, so I can't know for certain, but I feel pretty good about this one. We're going to start out at just one session a week and reassess in a month, and she gave me her number for between sessions if I "have a crisis", whatever that means. Hopefully I won't have to find out via personal experience.

Second: Jess. I'm sure you saw this coming, but him and I are officially out of the trial period and are in a public relationship (aka on social media and there's gonna start being some pda). It happened shortly before I had to leave for my appointment, well started to, it was a slight "process" of sorts. I was freaking out and I went into Jess's room and into his arms for a hug for the umpteenth billion time today. This time was different though, like it felt different. It lasted longer, or it felt like it did at least. It was more than that though. It was like, my heart felt heavy and confused and all kinds of s**t, and then it just felt warm. And then I knew, or at least decided that I didn't want it to be some trial, that I was done playing that game. I don't think you can ever completely know. I was fooling myself to think you could. Anyways, so I pulled out of the hug and I saw this look in his eyes and I just melted in the best way possible, and I leaned in and kissed him. After we kissed I asked if he would come with me to the appointment, which he did, and we held hands the whole way there. Once we got back home we talked about the events of the day, just to make sure we were on the same page.

As I sit here writing this and thinking it dawns on me, for more and more moments I feel really, truly happy, something I haven't felt in a long time. Maybe there is hope.

~Jamie

October 3

Dear Diary,

Alex is an a*s-hat. Since I started being open about being with Jess I'm pretty sure that Alex has made it his life mission to make my life as miserable as possible, and unfortunately it's working -_- I've been thrown into a lot more dumpsters this quarter than in the entirety of last year, I've been beat up, someone (probably Alex) broke into my locker and stole some stuff, and the list goes on. They are attacking Jess too. I don't really know what to do. Alex is not about to f**k this up for me, I won't let him. I'm hoping he'll realize there is nothing he can do and will back off soon, or that the school will choose to recognize what is going on and do something about it. I've gone to Ms. Jamenson about it, and she's gone to the administration, but they aren't doing s**t. They claim that since the big stuff is happening after school hours there is "nothing they can do". The small stuff everyone just turns a blind eye. 7.5ish months, 7.5ish months and I'm away from this hell. I don't know where I'll be, but it's got to be better than this.

I think therapy is helping, at least a little bit. If nothing else, it's helping me cope with all the s**t going on at school. We waited that month out and Sara thought that we needed to meet more. I told her I couldn't afford that. I put Jess's parents through enough. I don't want to get too expensive. Anyways so Sara understood that so we set up a system. I'm going to come in once a week, and also we're going to have mini phone "sessions" every other week that she won't charge me for because they'll only be like 20 minutes max. I like Sara a lot. She's really approachable, which is nice. Makes it easier to trust her. She also makes me feel like she cares, which is important to me. There are very few people in my life that I feel like actually care about me, which is hard. I still hold a lot back in the sessions, and I think she knows it, but she doesn't push. I'm just not ready to dump my whole life story. It's kinda hard to admit s**t you haven't even fully accepted for yourself. At the end of each session she always says that either I can call her if I hit a crisis or to call her if I need her. Still don't know what that means...

The cutting is still pretty bad. It's not everyday, which is good, but it's way more than it should be. I'm talking at least 3 days a week, sometimes more, and every time I go all kinds of crazy. That's probably why Sara wants to talk more.

Things between Jess and I are ok for the most part. The cutting definitely creates a barrier though. He swears he won't leave though, because he knows I want to stop (which I do) and he thinks I can. I don't know how he puts up with me. I don't know how anyone does.

~Jamie

October 26

Dear Diary,

It's interesting how quickly things change. School has gotten...I guess better...at least for now. It's not that I'm never targeted, but it happens a whole lot less. I guess Alex called his goons off. While I'm happy about it, I'm also anxious. He's got to have something up his sleeve, I know him too well to believe anything different.

I'm pissed with/at myself. Things are getting better, my boyfriend is fantastic, my grades are ok, I'm in therapy, and still I'm hurting myself far too often. I just want the madness to stop. It's not like I want to hurt myself, I just do it. What am I doing wrong? UGH!

~Jamie

November 5

Dear Diary,

So in my last session we talked about something I had never heard of before: coping skills. They're things you do you help you get through a crappy feeling. Apparently my writing is you is one. So is my cutting. There are healthy and unhealthy coping skills. I'm sure you can guess which one of those two is healthy and which one isn't -_- Anyways so she gave me the assignment to try using a healthy coping skill before I hurt myself. I'm not convinced it will work, but I can at least give it a shot.

~Jamie

November 30

Dear Diary,

S**T!!!!! I figured out what Sara meant by call if I need her or if I"m in crisis, because I'm there now! I called and she didn't answer. F**K!!!!! I'm going to try that whole using a coping mechanism thing, hence writing in you, but we'll see how that goes. 

You probably want to know why I'm freaking out. Well...BECAUSE ALEX F*****G KISSED ME!!! GAH!!! I HATE HIM!!! I mean I'm over him. After he kissed me I smacked him, and then I just straight up ran. Does that matter though?

What am I going to do?!? I mean, I know I have to tell Jess, but he's gonna be pissed. What if he blames me? Is this going to tear us apart? I can't believe this happened! Is it my fault!

Sara is calling. I'll fill you in more later.

~Jamie

Dear Diary,

I just got off the phone with Sara. I can't say I feel great, but I feel a whole lot better. The urge to hurt myself isn't half as bad as it was. 

I should probably tell you the whole story, not that there is much to tell, but still. So I was walking home from work when out of no where Alex appears. He says we need to talk. Because I'm stupid I say ok. Then he starts rambling on about how sorry he is for all the s**t he has put me through, says that he was just mad and heartbroken. I looked at him, super confused. I was like, you cheated on me, and broke up with me, and YOU were heartbroken? Anyways there was like 20 minutes worth of talking, and I don't feel like going through it all. In the end he goes, "I still love you. Break up with Jess and come back to me. We can start over. I still love you, and I know you still love me". I told him he was delusional, that there was no way I was breaking up with Jess, especially not for him. I was going to say more, but that is when he kissed me. I'm not talking simple kiss either. UGH!

How do I tell Jess? He needs to know(I think), but I don't know how to tell him. Will he blame me? I know it's not my fault logically, but it doesn't feel that way.

I was on the phone with Sara for a while. Most of what we did was sort through my feelings, and go through different things called grounding exercises to get me out of my head. The longer I see Sara, the more helpful I find her, and the more I trust her. I'm glad I started therapy.

~Jamie

December 2

Dear Diary,

It took a couple of days (and slice marks), but I finally told Jess. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't what ended up happening. Of course, he got pissed. That is where the expectations being met stopped. He was not mad at me, he was majorly angry at Alex. It was a side I had never seen before. Jess is not a very angry person (my guess because of his parents). It's not that he never gets mad, it's just always a dull roar. Not today. He started pacing and talking about how he was going to beat the s**t out of Alex. I begged him not to, but I'm afraid he might try. As much as I would LOVE to see Alex get his a*s kicked, the guy is physically fit and straight up ripped. I don't think Jess would stand a chance. 

At one point I started trying to apologize, but Jess stopped me. He looked me dead in the eyes and told me I had nothing to apologize for. I swore to him I was over Alex, that the kiss meant nothing, and he said he knew that, that he had no doubt in my feelings. 

I think I'm falling in love with my best friend, and it's the best feeling in the world. I'm here to tell you, it's also a little scary. One, the feelings I have are so intense. Two, I don't know how he feels so I don't want to say anything. Three, if things fall apart (not saying that they will, but if they do) I'm fucked. I would lose my best friend, and that just wouldn't end well.

Random side note: things between me and my mom are going pretty well. We meet once or twice a month, always at night. They are never long visits, but that's ok. We have to make sure we don't get caught, because that would not end well for either of us. Dad would...I don't want to think about it. Let's just say both of our lives, especially hers, would be in danger.

~Jamie

December 12

Dear Diary,

Jess and I had our first big fight. It was over Alex. UGH! I'm not even with him and he's still f*****g up my life and has far too much control. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN!

Alex keeps making passes at me. He acts like we're a couple, especially when Jess is around. He hasn't kissed me again, although he's tried, but he's done plenty of other things. Jess and I are both getting pissed. Jess wants to beat the snot out of him, and I keep holding him off, asking him not too. Jess was starting to get pissed about it. Finally yesterday he completely blew up at me, shouting all kinds of accusations about how I may not have feelings for Alex, but I like the advances, and all kinds of other crap. It turned into a screaming match. We haven't spoken since.

I wonder if I'm being unreasonable. I mean, should I let Jess have at Alex? It just seems like a horrible idea. I know Alex and I know Jess, and based on what I know Jess doesn't stand a chance.

I hope this all blows over soon. I've always hated confrontation, especially when Jess is involved.

~Jamie

December 23

Dear Diary,

Mom and I celebrated Christmas today. It was probably my best Christmas in YEARS. Even when I was back at home, dad always managed to screw it up. Then I left and  holidays, especially Christmas in my opinion, just aren't the same when you are somewhere you feel like you don't belong. Anyways, everything just meant something, or at least more than it has before. I'd actually been saving up for this moment for a while, and by a while I mean since shortly after I got kicked out. Anytime I was out, if I saw something I thought mom would like, if I could afford it, I bought it, in hopes that one day she would forgive me. I found out today that mom had been doing the same. I have to say, while it absolutely NOT about the stuff, I was quite impressed. I want to know how the hell she managed to hide all this from dad, both the funds she had to have spent and the physical stashing of the stuff. 

So what was also touching was that she even had a couple of things for Jess, like as in mother of son to boyfriend of son kind of gifts, not mother of son to best friend of son. I think she's really accepting and at least trying to be ok with my being gay. 

I have to say, the night was really special. We even hung out a little bit longer than usual.

On the Jess note, him and I made up. It happened the next day. He apologized and swore he didn't mean the things he said the other day, which was nice to hear. While he's still not ok with the passes that Alex is making (which, good news, is becoming less frequent), he recognizes that he can't do anything about it.

~Jamie

January 2

Dear Diary,

CRISIS!!! I tried calling Sara, no luck, and Jess isn't answering and I'm freaking out! What the hell am I suppose to do?

Mom is in the hospital. She's in the ICU in a coma. I tried to go see her but the hospital wouldn't let me. That is why I'm freaking out. I'll give you 1 guess how she ended up like this...Dad. He found out about my secret communications with my mom. How do I know all this you may be wondering. He told me, that's how. He texted and called me, told me she was there, that it was all my fault, and that if he ever finds out about us meeting up again that my a*s is next.

I know logically this is not my fault, and yet I still feel responsible. He was never suppose to find out. Was I not careful enough? How could I have been so stupid as to believe that he wouldn't find out?

I want to cut SO BAD! I've got a blade in sight. She didn't deserve this, I do! I'm the one who's gay! I'm the one who keeps f*****g up! Why the hell is this happening?!? If I could take her place I would in a heartbeat. I'd even do it better than that. I'd give my life it meant she would be ok.

My dad is an a*s wipe! I HATE HIM! MY MOM IS IN THE F*****G HOSPITAL AND HE'S PROBABLY OUT SOMEWHERE GETTING EVEN MORE DRUNK OFF HIS A*S!

I gotta call somebody. I can't do this, I really can't, at least not safely.

~Jamie

Author's Note

As you'll see as you read time isn't super expressed. I don't state the year or anything. The best you know is what the day is, but not the day of the week. That is for 2 reasons. One, that would take a lot of work on my part and technicalities are not that important to me. Two, and more importantly, it really doesn't matter. Think about it, it's always been an issue, especially in the last probably 15 years or so. I hope one day it won't be so heated as it is, but it is now unfortunately, which adds to the reality of the story. As you check back the only thing you'll be able to figure out is when the story starts, like when in high school. Where he is, what the year is, it just doesn't matter.

Reviews

[Mizuki Tsukiakari]

Wow. I honestly don't know what to say, this story is just so good. This isn't usually a genre I read, or am interested in reading, but the title caught my eye. I was blown away by the lack of detail, which filled me suspense as I read; I needed to keep reading to know what happened next. The simplicity of writing this story in the POV of a diary entry just MADE the story. It's incredible; I can't wait until you add more. Please update it soon! It's fantastic, great work!

[augustus]

Wow ! That is some story! Well written and there is lots of it. I tried to understand the dilemma here! A young man realising he's gay is a problem for him and those closest to him. I know it's based on entries in a diary. However, if I may offer an opinion - it could have been edited to shorten it. Too much, as is here, tends to scare the reader away!

[Micaelia]

This story is really awesome. Jamie is wonderfully relatable even to people who haven't experienced the same issues that he has - and his emotional life is beautifully shown. You've done an excellent job at creating a unique and realistic character everyone can relate to and understand. I have to admit though, I guessed some of the plot points like him and Jess getting together or Alex actually cheating on Jamie in advance. But I guess that's sort of my fault, I tend to do that a lot while reading.
I really like the open ending you chose, it's a great metaphor for how uncertain and open life is and how many possibilities there are - both good and bad ones.

Thank you for this story, I enjoyed it a lot. :)