Anxiety and Discomfort

A Story by Asha

So I just had what felt like a series of panic attacks. But in reality it was just one large panic attack and a series of short mistakes. I guess I should explain. I've been trying for years to have an outlet for my audio and visual creativity, but I've never really known how. So when I discovered how easy it was to create and edit youtube videos (with the right hardware) I went out and bought the cheapest computer I could, I made a plan for this computer as it is very compatible with newer hardware. Today I accidentally bumped into my computer and it froze, which in no way should have been a huge deal. But suddenly my neck became so tense, a rush of anger encumbered me, and tears came out my eyes. So I went to solve the issue the only way I knew how, I walked into my bedroom in the back of the house and laid down, I tried to control my breathing and I tried to control the muscle spasms I was having. But being a very poorly insulated and ventilated house during the coldest day of the year I couldn't get warm and that only made my muscles react worse. So I went back out into the living room next to the wood stove to try and warm up and while I did get warmer my muscles wouldn't relax. I looked at the wood stove and the fear of pressure from within pouring out threw me back into panic mode and I tried to get up and out of the way. My scrawny 140lbs 5' body didn't react to the hardwood floor very well and my knee popped out of place and pain coursed up my thigh. I quickly threw it back into place which only caused me more pain. I then just kinda sat there against the wall with my panic rising and my anxiety crawling. After several moments of telling myself 'It's okay and nothing is wrong.' I was able to get up and send an IM to my best friend. Being the person I am, I apologized for bothering him and told him I would be okay. I'm lucky to have a friend like him, his suggestion to solve my issue is what should've worked in the first place, but failed to. It's things like this that just say 'you're weak, feminine, unable and everything is wrong.'. Of course I don't mean my friends suggestion. But for some reason the phrase 'I want to go home.' just keeps ringing through my head. I think of mom and how she comforted me as a child and young adult. I miss her so and I miss the security of not having to worry. I don't believe I'm stable enough to take care of my father, but when the time comes it is my turn to step up, Jen took care of mom and I, it's my duty to the people who raised me to take care of dad. I fear that day when he can no longer care for himself. I don't know how someone who hardly showers and can't keep a clean room or any bit of anything sacred for more than a few weeks could possibly care for another human being. It is truly my deepest fear, alongside anything that is beyond the door of my house. I was once so confident, and I was once so bold. But one traumatic event after another led me to this mindset and now I must find a way out. I don't know what to do right now, but I guess being hopeful that I will in the moment is what should comfort me.