A Beautiful Trainwreck

When you lose all hope sometimes it takes a stranger to pick you back up.

His fingers pushed the ticket underneath the misted plastic that separated us. The scraping noise seemed to bother the man that turned round from his seat in displeasure, but it was music to my ears.

With a nod, I walked away. I didn’t even notice the man behind the screen. Chances are that I had seen him before but I never noticed. Rude? Maybe.

Peering over the line, I glanced both ways. Which was obviously stupid; if the train was coming I would no doubt hear it before I saw it. Still I did a double check and retreated back to the sign that glowed a faint green.

It was due in seven minutes.

The green blinking reflected onto my pale skin and I stared at the light on my hand for a few moments before stepping back out of its reach.

A short exhale and I suddenly felt all eyes on me.

It was too quiet. I knew I wanted quiet but this, this, was ridiculous. My sighs even attracted attention. God I needed help.

“Aren’t you a little young to be here alone? At this time?” His voice startled me and I flipped round to see a man around his thirties. I had been warned about people like him. Remember the lessons. Right in-between the legs.

It came out as a whisper and a hoarse on at that. “Why do you want to know?”

He glances at me, perhaps noticing the unease in my eyes, and took a small step back. “I’m sorry ma’am. I’m the night manager.” He pulled a small card out of his pocket and showed me the evidence. “We have to be on the lookout for runaways. Nights are the most popular.” I didn’t realize I was holding my breath.

Acting as normal as possible, I let the breath out quietly and tried to regulate my breathing. “I’m not a runaway.”

His eyes flickered from my feet to my head and his neck cocked to the side. “Can I see some ID? Something to tell me you’re over 16?” That I could do.

Pulling out my purse, I handed him my provisional driving license. Not like I ever used it or even intended to use it: I just wanted ID.

With a nod he stepped back once more. “I’m very sorry ma’am. We have to be on our peak all the time.”

“Sleep deprivation and all that.” I whispered louder this time. “It’s ok.”

He cleared his throat and took a note of the depleting surroundings. “Well. Have a safe journey.”

I mouthed ‘thank you’ at him when my voice refused to pop back up.

His eyes glanced up at the board. I followed. 12:15 MARCH 25^TH. “Oh, and happy birthday.” He smiled and I tried to smile back.

Thanks for reminding me.

 

I slung the backpack on the empty seat next to me and settled myself down next to the window. I saw my reflection and quickly turned away so the back of my head rested against the cool plastic.

It wasn’t long until the man came round chasing tickets. I dug inside my pocket to get the one I just purchased as he walked up to me. In my position it was hard to access my pocket, so I sat up straighter.

He put his hand up in a stop motion and gave a short smile. “It’s ok.” His old voice croaked. “I believe you.” Did I really look that bad to be given the pity of an old man doing his job?

The front doors hummed and then slowly closed to a soft thump. One by one, a domino effect sounded and each carriage was closed in. I saw the door a carriage in front be sealed off. A man jumped inside the carriage before my doors hissed closed and he grabbed hold of the bar ahead. I had seen him before.

I didn’t have a chance to think of where as he glanced in my direction, taking a double take. He had obviously remembered me too. Trying to be as subtly as possible, I stole another glance. He was dressed in a blue and black uniform. Of course; he worked for the train company. Being a frequent user of the trains I was bound to know some of the employees by face. Never by name, but by face.

“Hey.” He called and I glanced up from my knees.

His face had a slight smile and he looked quite friendly.

Picking up on my reluctance to speak, he spoke again. “Is that seat taken?”

He pointed to the seat opposite me that my shoeless feet were rested on. I looked around at all the empty seats in the carriage. I was alone in it until he hopped on. There was plenty of space.

Sighing I pulled my feet down and gave the best smile I could. Unfortunately I expected it looked forced and laced in annoyance. It didn’t stop him from sitting down though. He placed his bag next to him and let out an exhale of breath before scooting down on my footrest. I refused to look at him. Instead I repositioned myself in the same position as before but sideways; so my feet were resting on the seat with my bag on and so my eyes rested on my knees once more.

“Nice night, isn’t it?” He spoke after a few minutes of the train starting up. With a fleeting look at his face I saw another smile before I stared ahead to look out the opposite window. As much as it killed me to look at my reflection, I saw past it to the rushing trees and the clear sky.

“Quite.” I managed to choke out.

Once coming to the conclusion that I could indeed speak, the man continued. “I’ve seen you quite a few times now. Always at night.”

It wasn’t a question thus didn’t need an answer. My eyes fell back on my jeans.

“I don’t blame you. Trains relax me too.” A smile peaked slightly before I managed to hide it again but he saw it. Of course he saw; he was examining every single body movement I was exhibiting. “It’s probably why I got a job here.”

I let him continue talking. His voice seemed to lull perfectly to the continuous rattling of the train as it slid across the rails.

“I am supposed to be making sure none of the passengers’ look suspicious or cause any trouble. At night my job is a lot easier. I simply just let myself get lost in the blurring environment. Sound familiar?” Scarily familiar, actually.

Reflexively I began to pick my fingernails. It always happened when I was nervous or scared, or both.

“Don’t tell my supervisor I was slacking.” He whispered and leaned in closer to me. I didn’t move, I didn’t flinch but my head began to scream for me to run. It screamed that he knew me too well and to get the hell out of there before he could learn anymore. But he was a stranger; how could he know me? “If he asks, you looked suspicious.”

I gave a quick nod and swallowed the lump that was growing with the welling tears in my eyes. He knew me too well. How?

Don’t cry you baby, you’re wearing eyeliner and not to mention the mascara that isn’t waterproof. A small one escaped and I could just picture the black line travelling down my pale skin.

The stranger pulled out a tissue from his jeans and handed it to me. Hesitating on whether to take it or not he took the liberty to wipe the tear away.

“They run out of waterproof?” He said with a slight laugh. They did actually. “Don’t worry it hasn’t run yet.” For a guy he certainly had a girl’s thoughts down to the tee. Funny thing was though; he didn’t ask me why I was crying. He was being nothing but friendly.

“Thanks.” I whispered.

“Quite alright.” He mimicked me earlier.

The train hopped on the track for a moment and the lights flickered. Grasping hold of the seat subtly, my heart jumped. For someone on edge, that was not welcomed.

“The wind.” He whispered and my grip loosened. It wasn’t until then that I realized my eyes were clenched shut.

“What?” I replied in a similar whisper only mine seemed quieter.

“It was just the wind.” My eyes slowly flickered back open. Shifting my vision I saw that all the lights were back on. The train was intact. The man caught my attention. Not by staring or watching over me carefully; he was looking out the window like I hadn’t just had a mini panic attack.

My pulse began to slowly back down to normal rate and my muscles began to relax.

“You’re an oxymoron.” He spoke in a monotone voice. He spoke the truth in a monotone voice. “Being on the train calms your mind; soothes it. But at the same time you’re scared. Scared to death of this enclosed carriage.”

“How?” My voice caught in my throat. How do you know so much about me? I thought but the words never came out. Just a simple; “How?”

He knew what I was thinking. His eyes cast back over to me. “Don’t give up.” He spoke softly. For a moment I thought he was going to try and comfort me with contact. I would’ve jumped away but he didn’t. He simply kept the gap between us small. “Not yet.”

“It’s been a year.” I whimpered, now sure that the mascara was going to run. The tears slipped out. “It still hurts the same.”

He passed back a tissue. “It will always hurt.” What a great way to comfort me! “You just need to deal with it.” My eyes stared at him for the first time. We locked stares and I saw myself reflected in his pure blue eyes: Vulnerable, broken and lost. “You need to find your way.”

“Find my way where?” I whispered hoarsely through the silent sobs.

“Only you know that. I’ll tell you a hint though.” He closed the gap between us more but I didn’t care. I wanted answers. “The first step is two train stops away.”

“It’s hard.”

“I know.” His hand hovered over my hair and pushed my fringe back that kept sticking to the moisture that coated my cheeks. The touch sent sparks through my veins. “A beautiful train-wreck.” He whispered and kissed my forehead lightly.

In that kiss I saw it all: Like a flash back or a dream. A surreal nightmare. Suddenly I was so aware of the rocking of the thin metal contraption hurtling at over a hundred miles an hour.

He pulled back. “Don’t change destiny. You survived. Carry on.”

He stood up as an announcement sounded over the train announcing the next stop.

Grabbing hold of the bar he held when he first hopped in, the man stood staring forwards like nothing had happened. Just like nothing had happened. Yet I was in a pool of tears from the sudden shock of how screwed up my life was. But somewhere in it, I felt hope.

I heard the doors whoosh open a couple of carriages in front and then I saw its chain reaction making its way to ours. They released a burst of cool air around me and pulled me out of the trance like state.

“Wait!” I yelled as he stepped out of the carriage. I jumped from the seat and caught the doors with my hand before it closed. I saw his silhouette walking away from me. “Who are you?”

He turned round and gave a small smirk. “Help.” The doors closed before my face and closed him away from me. As if none of it happened.

I waited in my seat for another stop.

The tears had stopped falling and my body was stiff with disbelief. How could I doubt what just happened? It did happen.

The train announced the next stop and I stepped off onto the freezing platform. It was now nearing one and no one was up let alone walking the streets. It was a good thing I knew where I was going.

I knew it all too well.

My feet didn’t need instruction; they walked the path for me.

They stopped and my knees fell to the floor.

 

Mary Jane Phillips

06.07.62 �" 25.03.09

Beloved Mother

 

“Hi.” I whispered and let the tears fall.

Author's Note

Notes of improvement in general?

Reviews

[Hipster Detective]

Your descriptions seemed scattered around but, well, descriptive. The girl came off as a bit neurotic, but maybe that's just me, and I guess she had reason to. The guy seemed like a real creeper, though.