Note To Self

When I was young, my mom once read to me a story about the ugly duckling. If you aren’t familiar about the story, it is about a duck that was different than the others and was constantly reminded of it by the abuse from others. I felt that I related to it many times in my life because no matter how good of a person I thought I was to others, their was always somebody to remind me that I don’t fit in. I let that motivate me to be kinder to others and to appreciate the good things in life because you never know when it’ll come the day that you wake up and it is gone. I go on finding happiness in other people and confide my feelings and problems in other peoples problems. There has been many nights in my life I cry myself to sleep, frustrated that no matter what it is I did I was never good enough nor would I amount to anything to anyone. Everywhere I went I was reminded that I was the ugly duckling. I spent many nights thinking about what kind of a person I am and how I act to others. I trained myself to recognize when I’m being stubborn, overbearing, emotional, and all in-between. I know I have things about me that can mean nothing to some and to others a lot. I fear sometimes that everything in my life will be gone one day.


When I look back at my life, I notice that I act the way I do depending on how important that person is to me. I find myself wondering what I think would be the best for me and also what I need to do to be the best version of me. I fall in love to fast, I give up easy, I become emotional either too much or not enough. I then place myself in a state where I feel neither happy or sad. I began escaping to this abyss of nothing and felt comfort when I felt cold. I healed once I began feeling nothing. I stopped depending on people to fix me. I began changing and putting myself first for once. I felt like for once in my life, things started to finally make sense.

I went through many different phases me in my life. New jobs, new friends, even boyfriends because that’s life you know? What’s important is that I grew up learning that it’s okay to put yourself first and go through good and bad to get to where you want to be.