A Thousand Demons and a Monster

poetry

Sometimes I sit and think to myself "why and the hell? "

Maybe I whine and complain too much, all the f*****g time.

Some days I do nothing but stay locked inside my room,

Thinking about all the times I was at fault,

And it hurts to know that it was my fault ninety percent of the time

Sometimes I just wish that I would've drowned,

That I wouldn't have awoken, that I wouldn't have met you at all

I think back to all these memories that I have

And I replay the scenarios like a broken record,

Trying to get the memories out of my head

And it isn't anything new, you've always known

That I'm the one who has always hated

Himself the most, who has always regretted every action, every word he spoke

People seem to have this common misconception that I'm wonderful

And if they only knew exactly who I was they wouldn't think that at all

They'd embrace the hatred that I so willing accept

And I'm hopping that one day they see it my way,

See me for the monster that I know I have become

The lies, the lies, the lies spun from this devilish tongue

And all the words said out loud, I know you dread the words when I have said

That I wish I was dead, I'd be better off, I'd be happier then

But if I ever let these words leave my mouth, people start to panic

They think I've got this all wrong, that I am mislead

They try to fill my head with lies on why I should survive

But do you know what it's like to hurt all the f*****g time?

I don't think you do.. I don't think you know me at all

Because at the end of the day, I should know myself better than anyone

And truthfully, I don't know myself at all

I sit and think about it all,

I think about you, her, and them,

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to fall apart,

Break down to my very core, unable to move,

Unable to feel, unable to care at all

And you've gone and moved on,

And I stay in the same place trying to hold onto something that no longer exists

Does it matter at all? Do I matter at all?

These thoughts always drag me down, I always seem to fall

I walk on broken glass just trying to erase the past,

But you still look into my eyes and haunt my dreams from time to time

I'm just a guy who's in between being a boy and being a man

And I swear I could drowned from all these broken rhymes

A waste of time, it's getting me nowhere, it's only slightly a release

From the demon that haunts me while I'm stuck behind these four walls

That crawls inside my head and darkens my heart

Well f**k, I should've f*****g drowned,

There should've been lead in that black

I should've made a mistake, a mistake I could not reverse

They should've put me below with the worms

Painted my face up like a clown,

So that when they looked over me, they would know

I lived my life behind a painted face and hid my tears behind a phony smile

And people will always constantly be in denial, I bet you never knew

I bet it never crossed your mind, that i'm just hoping that something ends it all, so I don't have to

Because I don't want to hurt you at all, anymore