From Star Student to Shadow and Back

Disclaimer: If you know me in real life, DO NOT READ THIS. I’m not comfortable sharing these thoughts with people I know, so this is only for anonymous strangers online?"people I don’t know in real life. (I just don’t want to feel judged.)

This is a short story about my life. kind of a collection of the main events that shaped it and how I’ve been feeling along the way. I’m not even sure what to call this exactly, but... meh, I wrote it, so I might as well post it.

I realized early on that there must be something I needed to excel at to be remembered. I still vividly remember all my teachers calling me by my brother's name. I still remember their reactions when they realized I was his sister.

"Oh, you're [my brother’s name]’s sister! I was his teacher two years ago. Such a joy to teach him ,he grasps everything so easily. What a great mind he has!"

And from that moment on, they would always call me [my brother’s name]’s sister.

I wasn’t exactly a bright student, not because I lacked ability, but because I wasn’t really interested in studying. I mean, come on, who is at eight years old? But I wasn’t a failure either. I got all A’s. I wasn’t at the top of my class, but I wasn’t at the bottom either. So I shouldn’t have been that easy to forget, right? And yet, I was overshadowed by my brother’s success. Back then, I didn’t really care. I didn’t mind it much. But now? Now, it’s different.

We don’t even go to the same school anymore, and yet, his name still follows me everywhere. Every moment, I’m reminded of his greatness. People act like he’s Einstein reincarnated. Every friend, relative, parent, and even strangers bring up his grades.

Was he really so great? Were marks all that mattered????

……


I wasn’t a loner, but I wasn’t the most popular either. I was the class president and because of my art skills and good grades I had a big friend group, so it was easy to make friends. But how long does a big friend group last? Soon, it broke apart into mini groups and I joined the one with my closest friends. As for friends outside of that group ,I wasn’t good at sports, so I couldn’t befriend the boys. I wasn’t up to date on the latest songs or dramas, so most of the girls were out of the question. So those few friends stayed with me until sixth grade.

 

I wasn’t really good at anything honestly. I started drawing from an early age. I was okay at it, but let’s be honest people always compliment an eight-year-old’s drawings. So I thought, Maybe this will be my thing. Maybe this is how I’ll be noticed. I was such a foolish child.

For a while, it worked. People praised my art, and I loved the compliments. But soon, I realized there were people far better than me at it. And the truth was, I didn’t love art. I enjoyed it when I was young, but it just kinda... sucked?. People expected me to keep doing it. They wanted me to be the next Picasso or something. They wanted portraits, but that wasn’t even what I liked drawing. I liked drawing nature.

 But let’s be real how many times can people appreciate the same mountain, a rising sun, and a tiny house in the valley? Once, twice, maybe three times. And then they got sick of it.And when they stopped complimenting my drawings,and  I lost interest when I grew up. I wasn’t the most athletic. I wasn’t the prettiest. And when you lack in those areas, you have to make up for it somewhere else.

 Even thought i got grades from an early age it changed when I grew up I mean come on everyone in my grade could do factors , ratio and basic math’s we were learning and the same solid,  liquid , gas , So getting good marks young wasn’t a huge achievement .

Then I turned 11, stuff was harder now but still pretty easy for me that meant  getting good marks was superrrrrrr easy. All I had to do was memorize. Learn, learn, and learn. Spend hours repeating the same thing over and over, and then write it all down in the exam. It was the easiest way to get compliments. The compliments my brother used to get were finally coming to me. I was selfish and greedy I liked the attention

Then I changed schools. It was a fresh start . nobody knew each other so it was way easier to form groups. All the people in my new friend group were... well, dumb?. They never did their homework. They didn’t study. So when people asked for my homework or complimented my grades, I was over the moon. It was like I had stepped into a new world. And maybe that’s where my addiction began.

I started studying way before the teacher even introduced the topic. I would spend hours figuring things out on my own ,crying sometimes out of frustration ,but when people asked me, I’d just brush it off.

"Oh, it was so easy."

I became really popular in my class and even got to be the library monitor for a term. Life was simple, fun, and honestly, kind of great. My friends' parents wanted their daughters to study like me, so the compliments were pouring in. I even joined the drama and debate club, though I quickly realized that drama wasn’t my thing at all. Instead, I discovered origami, and let me tell you  folding paper into beautiful shapes was wayyyyy more exciting than those cliché scripts we had to perform in drama club. Life was fun and easy... until I moved countries.

And wow, that was both the worst and the best thing to ever happen to me.

Since I joined school mid-term, friend groups were already set, and outside of school, everyone I knew had grown up together. Befriending them was tough. PLUS most of them were boys. And let's just say, at this age, I do NOT like boys. I think they’re foul, disgusting, odious creatures that walk the earth. Sorry, not sorry.

To make things worse, my distant cousin was super popular and friends with all of them. So instead of being seen as me, I became "her cousin." Like, okay Aunty, I get it, I’m new, but can you at least learn my name?! I was stuck in someone’s shadow again  AGAINNN. It was SOOO annoying. But fine, whatever. She’s a beautiful and (mostly) kind girl, and I love her, but it still stings when people always pick her over me. It’s not really their fault, I guess. She grew up with them. But still, my feelings were shattered, and I had to glue them back together, piece by piece.

And, because I barely knew anyone, I became EXTREMELY introverted. I wouldn’t talk to people. I wouldn’t leave the house. It’s better now I feel more comfortable around these people but back then? Total isolation.

Now, looking back at all of this, I feel... kinda childish?. But can you blame me?

 Every kid wants to be noticed and praised. That’s what I wanted, too. But now? I don’t really care for it. I like my personal space and comfort. I do miss having tons of friends, but I love my selected few that are really close to me.

If younger me saw the present me, she’d be horrified. Because now? I’m what people like to call a “nerd”. Yep, a word that used to mean "super smart" but is now used for anyone who likes reading. And, well, I read ALOT. Not just books : I read web novels, mangas, manhwas, and basically every story I can find on this platform. And before you say, “Ew, who likes that cringe stuff?” WELL I DO LET ME LIVE.

So yeah, I like who I am now. Most of my time is spent either reading manhwas or thriller books. I’m still doing great in school, but this time? I’m not chasing after praise.... but am I (hehehehhe)

 

 

Author's Note

ignore any grammer problems . this is a childish story, well i did write like at like 2 am? might delete this later but lemme know what you think about it. is it cringe? well i guess kinda ,but than again these are just how i felt before so....