Chapter 1: The Awakening

While opening her sore eyes she takes a huge breath and sees a man beside her, shaking her shoulders trying to wake her up. At the sight of her movement he calms down.

"Great, thought you'd never wake up."

Her head feels heavy. Where am I? Who is this man?

She sits up and looks around, noticing that her body is feeling heavy. She seems to be in a room with things she's never seen before. Machines that don't look familiar at all are connected to a water filled tube. Sitting next to her is a man with short black hair and black clothes. Behind him there's something that looks like a door. Her hair is dripping while her white gown is drenched in water. It's cold.

"Was I in that thing?" She asks the man while shivering.

He nods and looks at her.

"I thought you'd look scarier to be honest."

Me? Scary? Her head hurts. Why can't I remember anything?

"I'm Jake." He says as he stands up and unzips his black jacket.

No buttons?

"Put this on, It should keep you warm."

She accepts the jacket and looks at it. How does this work?

"I'll help you." he says and approaches her. Too exhausted to struggle she copes with the help.

"Where am I?"

"In Japan. We just rescued you."

Rescued? Why am I being rescued? She has no clue as to why she'd need saving. No memories of past events appear. It's like she's an empty shell. There's just one thing that keeps popping up in her mind. Chelise? Chelise G. Winters? Is that my name?

Jake studies her reactions and facial expressions while picking up something from his pants. Some buzzing sounds along with a voice can be heard. He starts to talk to the black object in his hand in a language she doesn't understand. What is he doing? He talks for a while with the object and then puts it away in his pants, turning to her once again.

"Our way out will arrive any second now. He had to finish some things."

She looks at him. Isn't this weird? I... Before she could finish the thought he speaks to her.

"We're not bad people. You've been in a coma for a long time. At least that's what we've heard."

Coma?

"For how long?"

"About fourhundred years, we're not a hundred percent sure yet."

Fourhundred years? Isn't that too long? How can I still be alive?

"That's.. impossible right?"

He observes her for a little while.

"Well, in normal circumstances it'd be impossible I guess. You don't remember anything?"

"I... My name..."

"Your name?"

"Chelise. Chelise G. Winters is all I can think of."

"I see... Well, we're not going to harm you. This place won't be safe for much longer so we can't stay here and talk."

"What's going to happen?"

"I'm sure you'll be put in a coma once again if you don't come with us."

"Why?"

"I don't know if I can answer that. But I do know you'll be safe with us."

"Us?"

"The Keepers. We've taken a great risk in saving you."

The keepers? Why would I need to be saved in the first place?

Her body continues to shiver as a man in the same clothes as Jake appears behind him.

"Ah, Tanaka. I was just wondering when you'd show up."

"It's time."

Time for what? The man named Tanaka speaks a word in that unknown language. A bright shining necklace appears around his neck and he moves his hands in a circular motion before pointing on the ground before them. Something unknown to her appears where he's pointing. It's an oval shaped light with shining white around the edges, something that looks like a room in it covers the middle almost like a painting. What's that?

"Let's go Chelise. Trust me. We'll tell you everything once we're out of this place."

His words sound sincere. Can I trust this man? He doesn't seem to have an evil aura. Wait. Aura? She looks at the bright painting, then at Jake.

"Just enter the portal already. I can't keep this up forever you know." says the man called Tanaka while gritting his teeth. He looks exhausted.

Jake heads over to Chelise and holds out his hand. If they have answers.. I might as well follow them. She grabs his hand and he pulls her up to a standing position. Her legs feels like a thin young branch, giving away with weight put upon it. The moment she almost falls down Jake puts her arm around his neck and lifts her up. Huh?

"Let's go." he says as he walks toward the painting.

....

"Master Farn! The Ancient is nowhere to be found!"

"WHAT!?"

"I'm sorry Master! The troops that were with her are all dead!"

"ARE YOU JOKING WITH ME!? HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN!?"

Farn slams his fist through a table, breaking it apart. He's never been this angry.

"Your orders Sir!" Says the other man nervously.

Farn looks up and sighs heavily. This wasn't supposed to happen. How did the people responsible for this know we were moving that woman.

"Find out what happened." He says with a glare that is dead serious.

"Y-y-Yes Sir!"

....

Author's Note

This is the new edited version of The Ancient Breathe since the pace in my first version was too fast :).

Reviews

[Transient and Enthused;..]

Yippee, my first review!

Alright... Right of the bat and just so you know, these are just my observations and they're all with the best intentions; but I could also be full of it. This is just stuff that helped me is all.

Definitely by the end of the chapter I was getting more taken in by the story.

Here comes the feedback!

1.) *Technique*

I feel you can better your writing by simply rewriting your sentences, like, all of them. It sounds tedious but if you can just rewrite a chapter while making deliberate effort to make EVERY separate different from its previous iteration(s), you'll build both versatility and familiarity with your writing. As you read your writing you'll see this, or even read other books then read your sentences, you'll notice it.
Better sentences make for a better read-the way your sentences stream together just has this mental effect on the reader and how they literally FEEL as they read through your story.

You'll also be able to SEE and THINK more on how you want to write your sentences over time. That'll help with the pacing and adjustment of mood for your scenes (e.g. action, romance, relaxing, bonding, suspense, etc). Oh! And reduce any redundancy/needless repetition of words.

Overall the writing's not bad, it's just basic. And nothing wrong with that, we all improve over time! Jog before you run.

2.) *Description*
I certainly see the absence of description. The feeling of the story was nice and my imagination filled in the environment, but description is definitely necessary.

Here's what I think will help.

Imagine the all of the surroundings.
Let's say the characters are in a lab.

To prevent descriptions like 'a white lab', think of descriptions in this progression (mainly as practice, but however you feel, really)

-objects "a lab with square tiles"
-color "a lab with white square tiles"
-character's/audience's perception: physical and emotional feelings "a lab with cold, uncomforting white square tiles" (the character doesn't necessarily have to actually KNOW the physical feeling of it, it's just to convey the idea, like, if they DID know)
-meaning behind description, basically what you're going for in the description "a lab with cold, uncomforting white square tiles that made everything feel sterilized"

Try this out with a character then move on to environments once you feel comfortable.
If the last parts give you any trouble, think of what your trying to convey with the character/setting. Is the character supposed to be cool, scary, attractive?
If you don't really care about the setting AT ALL but want to still describe it, then it's still a matter of FEELING. How does the character feel about the setting? How do you feel about the setting (as in the general things that come to mind when you imagine being there)? The descriptions might start small, simple, or meager, but hey-they'll better over time AND it depends on your preference.




If there was anything else to add I've already forgotten and have to reread as well as read the remaining chapters before actually commenting on it.

HOPE THIS STUFF HELPS!!!!

[Arotica]

Thanks for writing your first review on my work! :). These are all valuable tips and I really appreciate you took the time to actually point all these things out and write such a thorough review! This makes me really happy and thankful! :)

[lucafen4]

I agree with the above review, there's a lack of description here that leaves the reader wondering what anything and everyone looks like. This is an area of my own weakness that I've been working on specifically writing only descriptive and action paragraphs to help visual scenes in my head. Even if I don't add them into the story or chapter itself. Take a look around the room and just practice writing visual descriptions of objects you see. It will become more natural in time.

With the lack of description that obviously leaves you with a dialogue heavy chapter. I read a lot, most novels are more description than dialogue, There's a balance that you will need to strike in time.

Your spacing between dialogue isn't formatted evenly. you group some things single spaced, while double spacing between others, but there does not appear to be any specific break to require said break.

The dialogue itself, I enjoyed. There is a really good story line here and after chapter 1, I have no idea what to expect next. You've gripped me, without revealing what the heck is going on.

Hope this is taken constructive & helps.

[Arotica]

Descriptions is the one thing I'm not confident in when writing in English so I think I go for some sort of safety in the words I use. I do work on it and hopefully I'll be able to express it the way I want to soon.

The dialogue is another thing I'm trying to get better at and I'm glad you point out that it needs work. At the moment I'm reading other people's work to get inspiration and make my own work better!

I love getting feedback since it gives me a chance to get better so I'd be delighted if you'd read the next chapters and give me some critique on those too :)

[Ana]

That plot twist at the end!!! Awesome, are those people who took the girl criminals or something? Or are they working with this Master Farn guy? i'm sure I'll get it eventually, but that was pretty interesting.

[Arotica]

I hope you find the following chapters interesting too! :)

[❀Subaru_Nyaa!
..]

soar = means hover or fly: The word you might be looking for is Sore (Sore means it hurts or some kind irritating small amount of pain)
He studies her for a little while. = Observe would be a better word for this part but hey, it's your choice
Aside from that, it's really interested. I am more of a fantasy person not a sci-fi person but this gets me interested even though it's a genre that I rarely touch. Good Job

[Arotica]

Thank you for taking the time to read and point out mistakes! I'll fix those up :)
I'd be thrilled if you'd continue reading. I'm sure there are alot more mistakes in the second and third chapter.
Cheers :)

[Kaitlyn C.]

Here are the spelling mistakes I found:
In the first line, soare = soar
In the sixth line: Machines that doesn't = Machines that don't

I really like this, I like how along with the main character, the reader has absolutely no idea what's going on. It raises a mass amount of curiosity but also helps the reader identify with Chelise and her predicament.
One thing I would suggest (whether you take it or not) is to add more description. Usually, I can come up with what the scene looks like on my own, but in this case it's in a different era and an unfamiliar country, so you could spend a few minutes describing Chelise's location and it would slow down the pace (if that's what you're still going for) and help the reader place themselves in her location as well as her mind. Staying on the topic of description, I love how you described her weak legs as a young branch!

Post the second chapter soon! :)

[Arotica]

Thanks for pointing out those mistakes! :)

I'll keep working on describing the environment better. I've got a picture in my mind but it's hard to get it into words :).
I'll be sure to practice!