Abdication

The country of Valore has been isolated from the rest of the world by a black river that suddenly emerged out of nowhere. With the river came a race of creatures humans named "perfects" due to their i

              Xavier concentrated on the pale stone that lay in his hand. It was oval shaped and its surface smooth. He felt the air around him charge with energy as he urged the stone up with his mind. Obediently, the stone drifted up and out of his palm, and hovered serenely in front of his eyes. He watched the stone fondly, making it twirl in mid air.

            “You shouldn’t be doing that,” Eric said reproachfully, “not out here.” 

            Xavier let the stone drop back into his palm. Closing his fingers around it, he looked up at his brother. Eric stood a couple of feet away from him, knee deep in a small brook, his eyes scanning the surface for the slightest hint of movement.

            “I doubt there’s anybody out here who might see me. Unless you count Marc, but he probably isn’t anywhere close to here. You can’t catch anything decent in these parts of the forest. ” Xavier said. 

            “I doubt we’re the only ones who’ve wandered into these parts of the forest. Food is more abundant here, so I wouldn’t be shocked if everyone hunts in these parts. And I could use some help you know. We’re supposed to be helping mom.” Eric said dully.  

            Vanessa Black was the mother of three boys, Xavier, Eric, and Marc Black. She was a widow, having lost her husband to illness, and thus worked as a caretaker for the perfects.

            Due to her poor earnings, Xavier and his brothers were forced to help their mother in providing for the whole household. Marc, being sixteen, thus the eldest of the three, was in charge of hunting deeper within the forest, while Xavier and Eric, being both fourteen, were limited by their weaker physic to doing small things here and there to benefit the house hold. 

            “If we catch too much fish and Marc catches a deer like last time, it’ll all just spoil.” Xavier said unbothered.

            “Then we’ll just sell what we don’t need. A little extra money wouldn’t hurt.” Eric said.

            “Are you scolding me? You sound like Marc.” Xavier said mockingly.

            Eric smiled and looked up at Xavier. He threw the bucket he was carrying onto the shore and proceeded to trod across the brook towards the shoreline where he settled himself besides Xavier.  

            “Can you do it again?” He asked excitedly when he was finally settled.

            “You were just telling me not to.” Xavier said smiling.

            “Well, now I’m asking you to.” Eric replied.

            Xavier opened his palm and let the stone ascend out of his hand making it rotate in mid air.

            Eric smiled roguishly, “You see that bird in that tree over there?” he said pointing across the brook at a large fig tree. Perched on one of its branches pecking at the tree’s fruit, was a plump blue bird. “Think you can kill it? We haven’t eaten poultry for quite some time.”

            Xavier stared at the bird on the tree intently, trying to disregard all around him. The bird remained unbothered as it ruffled its feathers and cooed softly. He channeled his energy into the little stone hovering above his open palm, making it twirl faster and faster. “Go” he urged it, mentally focusing all his strength into directing the stone towards the birds head. Instantaneously, the stone shot towards the bird; its shape blurred as it traveled at a speed equivalent to that of a bullet, hitting its target with a loud crunching noise.

            In a flurry of azure feathers the bird fell to the forest floor with a resonating thud.  “Right on target; now bring it home.” Eric said animatedly.

            Xavier silently called the body of the dead bird, it lifted off the ground and flew across the brook towards them; landing in Eric’s outstretched hand.   

            “Great, you didn’t damage the body.” Eric said examining their quarry. “So, why can’t you do that with the fish as well? You know, just make them all float out of the river and into the bucket.” Eric asked vaguely.  

            Xavier shook his head “They’re living creatures; they have a will of their own and their own energy. I can’t just force them out of the river. Or at least I haven’t been able to yet. I’m not advanced enough in magic to do that I suppose. I can only move small objects. There’re way too many fish, all moving way too fast. I’ve tried before, but I just drain myself. If only I had someone to teach me how to control it.” Xavier said.

            Eric frowned. “That’s not possible. You know quite well it’s illegal for humans to use magic. Not that it matters, the majority of us can’t anyways. Magic is only for perfects. They’ve got the mark.” Eric said.

            Xavier knew that it was illegal for humans to perform magic, and he knew the consequence of just being able to use it was death. Death not just to he, but to all of his family, as well as to anyone who was aware of him possessing the ability; magic had thus become like the plague for humans. Everyone feared being affiliated with people who could use magic and thus those who could use it were usually killed or denounced to the perfects for public execution. Xavier was the only member of his family able to use magic; however, the only person he had confided in was Eric.    

            “Still, it’d be cool if I could do magic too. You sure you can’t teach me?” Eric asked.

            Xavier picked up a nearby pebble; he grabbed his brother’s hand and placed the pebble within it.

            “Let’s see, try to make it float a little above your palm.” Xavier said.  

            “How, do I have to think something or say something?” Eric asked perplexed.

            “Just try to send your energy into the stone and try telling it to go up with your mind.” Xavier said.

            Eric furrowed his eyebrows as he concentrated on the pebble in his hand. Xavier looked at his brother more closely. Eric had light brown sandy hair, bright green eyes, and peach skin. He looked nothing like Xavier, who had dark black glossy hair and light brown caramel skin. The only thing that Eric and he had in common was their eyes.

            Xavier had known ever since he had been young that Eric and Marc weren’t his biological brothers and he had also known that his mother had adopted him. He knew he had been found on the streets and had been taken in through sheer pity, and ever since, he’d grown up with the Blacks and had even taken on their name. They’d all always treated him like a family member; however, he feared that if they were to learn about his special abilities, this would soon change.   

            “It’s not working.” Eric said his voice tense with concentration. 

            “You’re trying too hard, and you’re too tense.” Xavier said.

            Eric frowned, “I guess it’s just natural talent, I just can’t do it.” He said offhandedly. 

            There was a loud rustling noise across the brook, and both boys turned their heads towards the noise. As they looked in between the dark crowded trees, a persons figure emerged from them. Their brother Marc strode out of the dense trees carrying the body of a fair doe on his shoulder.  

            Eric and Xavier both leapt to their feet and trod across the brook towards their brother.

            “That’s the second one this week! Their must be a heard of them close by!” Eric said easing the doe off his brother’s shoulder. 

            “I thought you guys were supposed to be fishing.” Marc said drearily.

            Xavier unstrapped his brother’s spear from his back and strapped it onto his own. “We took a little break.” Xavier said.

            Marc made a loud snorting noise and went to settle himself on a nearby stump.

              “I don’t think we need to catch anymore, what with your doe and the bird we caught.” Eric said as he and Xavier carried the doe across the brook. 

            “You caught a bird?” Marc asked suspiciously.

            “Yeah, the one next to you,” Eric said motioning towards the bird with his head, “Pretty big eh?”

            Marc picked up the figure of the plump blue bird a few feet away from him and scrutinized it, examining the wings, tail feathers, and beak as if there were treasure to be found in the fouls plumage. “How did you kill it?” He asked inquiringly.

            “Xavier threw a stone at it.” Eric replied nonchalantly.

            “And he hit it straight on the head? You must have quite good aim Xavier.” Marc said turning his piercing eyes towards Xavier.

            Although Eric and Marc were related, they looked nothing alike. While Eric looked like his father; Marc was the exact portrait of his mother. He had inherited his mother’s dark black hair and black eyes that shone like coal.

            “I was just lucky.” Xavier replied evenly, avoiding his brothers questioning gaze.

            “Or so you say.” Marc said before finally putting down the bird and standing up.  

            “We ought to be getting back home now, mom should be home soon and you both have school tomorrow.” Marc said as he strode away from them.  

            Eric and Xavier trailed their brother through the dense forest, balancing the deer between the both of them. They were panting hard by the time they had stepped out of the thick underbrush and onto the hard packed dirt road.

            It was already sunset as they walked up the dirt road that led to their town. Xavier looked to their left where a large extent of farmland met his gaze. There was at least two kilometers worth of wheat covered farmland. Even though he couldn’t see it, he knew that further away, the wheat gave way for even larger extents of corn and rice fields.  Xavier could still distinguish the figures of the last few stragglers who were now just starting to head home from their labor in the fields.

            Xavier shifted his gaze to their right where the large extent of forest stood, its tall dense underbrush and lofty trees attesting to its old age. Xavier then returned his gaze in front of him where in the distance; he could make out the large square buildings of his town, Abscond. Standing gilded with luminescent white light behind Abscond was the large walls of the encircled city Perineum. Perineum was where the perfects lived; the city was a colossal site, it was so that the shining white walls rounded the outskirts of Abscond and continued far into the distance.      

            Further up the road, Xavier could see more people emerging from the forest carrying various assortments of dead animals, from black rabbits to large mice to even the occasional wild cat. However, he couldn’t find a single person who had caught anything as remarkable as Marc had.  

            “It’s nearly curfew and yet there’re still so many people out?” Eric said questioningly.

            “The perfects have lowered the portion of this month’s harvest that’ll be given to us. Everyone is trying to find as much food as possible, even if it means staying out a little longer than usual.” Marc said. 

            “What a waste; we grow all of these crops ourselves yet a large amount of it goes to the perfects, and we’re stuck with the leftovers.” Eric said scornfully.

            “It can’t be helped can it? They’re stronger and smarter than us.” Marc responded jadedly, his face lacking in emotion.

            “Only because they can use magic, if only we could learn it, we could poise a rebellion.” Eric said mutinously.

            “It’s against the law for humans to practice magic. It’s against the law to speak of rebellion. And it’s against the law to refer to perfects in any way as equals to humans.” Marc said mechanically.

            “Yeah but if” Eric started before he was stopped by Marc’s outburst.  

            “There are no ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’! When will you realize that this is real life! Now shut it before we’re heard and you get us in trouble.” Marc said heatedly.

            Xavier looked across at Eric. He was fuming with anger, his face flushed a deep red, yet by sheer willpower it seemed, he kept his mouth closed.

            “I wonder ‘if’ Marc didn’t catch deer’s as regularly as he does, whether we’d be doing as well as we are these days. ‘Maybe’ we would have died of starvation a long time ago, considering families with two working parents struggle to feed themselves, and we only have one.” Xavier said calmly as he watched his older brother’s reaction.

            Marc had slightly turned his head to regard Xavier. He looked at Xavier as one would look at a creature they’d never seen before, as if he was wondering whether the creature was dangerous or not. Marc turned his head towards Abscond once more and simply said “You know what I meant.”, but Xavier didn’t miss his brother’s ears’ sudden flush. Xavier became aware of Eric staring at him, but when he turned his head towards him, he had already looked away.

            The rest of the walk into town was done in a comfortable silence; however when they neared the entrance to town, Xavier’s morale dropped and he began to feel anxious. He knew it wasn’t natural; he could feel the dark aura that floated around the entrance of the town like mist, invisible to the human eye. He looked at the two pillars that stood where the dirt road turned to gravel, and found the source of the malevolent aura. Floating in the middle of the two pillars was a large balding head. Its skin gray and decaying, its eye sockets dark empty voids and its large mouth stitched closed in a permanent smile. The cadaverra, as they were called, hovered ominously between the two pillars, emitting a low guttural noise, as if its lungs had been severely damaged to the point that it couldn’t help but breathe in a hoarse manner.

            “Magic sensor,” Eric whispered to Xavier as they approached the cadaverra.

            Xavier didn’t need to be told what it was. He knew exactly what it was; cadaverra’s had been introduced to Abscond by the perfects. They were their eyes and ears, they reported directly to the perfects on all seen and heard within Abscond. And they also served as magic sensors. The cadaverra’s could sense magic within people, thus they were charged with eliminating magic users as well as contacting the perfects on the identity of the user.

            Xavier had seen someone eaten by three cadaverra’s after having been detected by them. Xavier had seen the sharp black teeth hidden behind the stitched mouths of the cadaverra’s. They were voracious, whenever one discovered an enchanter; any other cadaverra close by would rush over to feast on the prey as well. It was never clean, and it was never merciful.

            However, Xavier had always been a veteran at escaping detection by the cadaverra’s ill-omened aura. As they approached the ominous figure suspended between the two pillars, Xavier closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had to reduce the amount of supernatural aura that flowed around him. And he knew that the best method of doing so was to diminish his morale.

            Xavier had realized from quite the young age that the cadaverras were meant to detect strong auras that belonged to magic users. However, they would ignore any form of aura that was as weak as or even weaker than that of humans. Xavier had also realized that whenever he had a dismal emotional state, not only would his magic be affected negatively, but it also seemed like people noticed him less. He’d thus come to the conclusion that his aura and magic were affected by his emotional state.

            Xavier concentrated, “you’re nothing but a kid”, “you’ve got no parents”, “you were only took in because they pitied you”; he repeated these things to himself. He felt that with each bitter remark, his mind and body grew heavy. He kept taking deep breaths and told himself that he was nothing, he was but a pebble within the ocean, he wasn’t to be noticed, he was as good as invisible. When he finally opened his eyes, he felt a sheet of dismal energy clinging to him.

            Xavier felt detached and jaded as they passed under the eerie head of the cadaverra. Xavier took a good look at it; he could tell it was a female from the dark spikes jutting out of its scalp oozing what Xavier had discovered to be acid. The cadaverra remained motionless, if Xavier hadn’t known better he would have thought it was dead.

            They had reached the town square by the time Xavier deemed it safe to leave his trance. The stores within the town square had their stone windows boarded and their wooden doors barred, giving the impression that they had been abandoned, but Xavier knew the shops were indeed inhabited. The lack of animation within the town square was because the perfects had established a curfew on their town.

            Once the moon made its appearance, all humans had to be within their homes. Night time was when the cadaverra’s were most active. The perfects let them loose at night, and they ate any living thing they encountered outdoors. There were rumors of other creatures that roamed the unlit streets of Abscond, but there hadn’t been actual sightings to prove this theory true. However, occasionally, you would hear peculiar noises at night giving you even more consent to stay home.   

            They exited the town square through a narrow alley called Typos. On this side of town, the houses had wooden walls around them, though the streets remained unlit.

            It just so happened that their house was number nineteen, the last house of the avenue that bordered the forest. 

            Xavier could make out the figure of a woman standing in front of their gate, her arms cradled around her body. As she noticed the three of them, she quickly made her way towards them.

            Xavier looked at his mother as she approached; she wore a white lace blouse with brown worn pants and black leather boots. Her dark hair was held in a tight pony tail that fell to her mid back. She didn’t wear any make up nor did she wear jewelry but she was as beautiful and poise as any women who did.  Xavier’s eyes were immediately drawn as they always were to the red collar that lay coiled around his mother’s neck. It was a collar given by the perfects to all humans once they reached the age of eighteen; supposedly, it was some sort of census machine to count how many adult humans there were.  

            “I was getting worried that you wouldn’t make it back before curfew,” she said as she started herding them towards the gate, “I was about to come looking for you.” 

            “You worry too much, I’m responsible enough to get us home before curfew, and you should be inside getting rested. You’re still in your work uniform; you need to trust us more.” Marc said worriedly as he unlocked the gate and pushed it open.

            “I know you’re responsible, but I’m still not comfortable with you taking Xavier and Eric into the forest with you. Not to mention leaving them alone, they tend to be reckless.” She said, pointedly staring towards Xavier then shifting her gaze to Eric.

            “You know, we can hear you. And when was the last time Xavier and I got in trouble?” Eric asked as we heaved the doe through the gate.

            “Before yesterday, actually; you beat up Tim Merrelli, remember?” Marc said, amused.

            “I don’t beating up anybody. I’m quite sure that was all Eric.” Xavier said.

            “Hey! Don’t blame it all on me! He’s the one who picked a fight with me!” Eric said defensively.

            As Marc closed the front gate behind them, Xavier surveyed the front yard; it was a plain but spacious area. It was about five meters in width with four meter tall wooden walls surrounding it. Dark green bushes flanked the walls, but there were no flowers. There was but one small tree in their back yard where they hung their clothes. Sitting in the middle of the yard was a gray house made of stone. It was spacious for a human owned house, having a living room, a bedroom, a small kitchen and an indoor toilet. There were no windows nor was there a chimney, and the only two doors were made of solid iron, but this just made the house more convenient for the family’s safety.  

            “Well, whether he picked a fight with you or not, I’m still disappointed with your behavior. I’m still apologizing to Mrs. Merrelli, poor women; her husband was taken in for searching.”         

            “He was taken in for searching? Do they suspect him of being an enchanter? Wouldn’t that make Tim one too?” Xavier asked intrigued. He’d always been excited at the prospect of meeting another enchanter.  He knew that magic was dangerous and that people tended to look down upon it, but he still yearned to meet others with his ability.

            Mom turned back and stared at Xavier questioningly. After a brief pause, she seemed to deem it alright to answer “I’m quite sure that he was taken in for a memory search because their neighbor Shamlock Croatius was found an enchanter last night during the usual rounds. They’re probably checking whether Mr. Merrelli knew of Shamlock’s……..abilities.” She said almost reluctantly. 

            “Was Mr. Croatius executed?” Xavier asked trying to hide the fear from his voice.

            Mom sighed as she pushed open the front door and answered “If he’d been sentenced to execution, his body would have been hung up in the town square. Personally, I believe he was killed at once within his own home.” She said as she disappeared within the house followed by Marc.

            Eric looked across at me worried. “Don’t worry you won’t get caught.” Eric said trying to sound reassuring, but Xavier knew that that wasn’t something Eric could control.

            They both proceeded to follow Mom and Marc into the house. Xavier locked the door behind them and found himself in a dark hallway. They walked into the living room where Marc sat near the fire pit trying to light a fire.

            Their living room was quite plain, in the middle of the room was a large fire pit where they did all their cooking, and placed randomly within the room were two aged leather sofas where mom and Marc slept. There was also a small dingy wooden table next to the fire pit where Xavier and Eric would often do their homework. Even now, Xavier saw a couple of his pencils strewn carelessly across the table.

            They walked out of the living room and turned left into their small kitchen. Mom was crouched near a small floor cellar filled with large salt blocks and pieces of meat wrapped in pieces of animal skin.

            “It won’t fit in the cellar, so Marc’ll butcher it tomorrow morning, and we’ll keep as much of it in the cellar and sell the rest.” Mom said inspecting the doe. “As for our little friend over there,” she said turning her attention to the stone counter behind her where the blue bird lay, “I think I’ll cook him tonight.”

            Xavier and Eric dropped the doe in the corner of the Kitchen, and made sure to fold its legs so as to take up as little space as possible. They exited the kitchen and returned to the living room where Marc had succeeded in starting a large fire that illuminated the whole house with orange light. The pit was stocked with vingore or white wood as most people called it. The wood didn’t emit smoke, so it was widely popular within Abscond.

            Marc lay on his leather sofa sharpening his hunting knife distractedly. Eric sat down besides the fire pit prodding the fire attentively with a twig. Xavier decided to settle himself at the foot of Marc’s sofa, where he proceeded to remove a white pebble from his pocket. He’d developed the habit of grabbing rocks from the river bed whenever he went there in order to practice on them. He just wished there was somewhere other than the forest where he could practice his magic.

            Xavier returned the stone to his pocket and closed his eyes deciding to practice another skill he had discovered. He took a deep breath and relaxed his body and his mind. He could hear his mother in the kitchen moving plates around, he could hear the sound of rock on metal from behind him, and he could hear the crackle of flames in front of him.

            ‘Hearing’ wasn’t the proper word for it though; he could ‘feel’ all of these things happen. Xavier could only feel these things happen because he had opened his mind, he knew. Xavier had discovered that he could spread his conscious through relatively large distances without being detected by the cadaverras. In this state of mind, he could simultaneously feel everything and anything that physically transpired within the area he spread his mind to.

            Xavier expanded his conscious past the walls of their house and into their front yard where he could feel the wind blow westward on the grass and bushes of their garden, making the billions of little tufts and scrubs wave in synchronization. He expanded his conscious even further towards the gate of their house. But when his conscious came close to their front gate he recoiled.

             He could feel something cold and menacing outside their gate, he tried to approach it again but was overwhelmed when a sensation of burning cold spread through his mind as it flashed red with pain and he was jolted awake.

            Xavier was panting, and sweating hard, his head stinging. It wasn’t until he saw both Marc and Eric watching him peculiarly that he realized he must have gasped. But before anything could have been said, there was loud knocking at their front gate.

            A cold silence descended upon the household as all three brothers froze and stared in the direction of the gate. Their mother appeared in the living room carrying a bloody cooking knife, her face pale. “Did somebody knock?” She asked shakily.

            As if to answer her question, there came another knock at the gate.  Marc jumped to his feet, grabbing his spear in one hand and a lit branch in the other. He walked towards the door of the house closely followed by their mother.

            Before exiting the house after her son she turned towards Xavier and Marc “You two stay inside.” She said firmly then proceeded to follow Marc.

            When she closed the door behind her, Eric turned towards Xavier. “Why did you gasp?” he asked anxiously.

            “I……I don’t know, I felt something…..I don’t know what, but…….it wasn’t normal whatever it was.” Xavier spluttered, unable to properly explain to his brother what he had felt. 

            Xavier’s heart beat a mile a minute. “Did it sense me?” He thought to himself, he had felt something standing outside the front gate. He knew it was a ‘something’, but he didn’t know what. Whatever it had been it had sent chills running down his spine. His mind had barely grazed its, but he had a good idea of what type of mindset the creature had, there had been one thing he had understood from the creatures dark aura and that was “hunger, hunger, hunger”.  It had felt as though the creature had lunged at him when Xavier had gotten too close.  

            Xavier was awoken from his reverie by the sound of movement in front of the house door. He looked towards the door and almost instantly it opened, letting in a strong gust of wind. Xavier flinched, and when he looked back at the door, Marc had appeared within the living room, his face ghostly white, and his eyes placarded to the ground. Their mother followed soon after seemingly in the same condition as Marc. “Eric, Xavier, we have a guest.” She said softly.

            Xavier looked back towards the door where a figure stepped out of the shadow and into the light.

            “Good evening,” the man said in a thick accent “pardon the intrusion.”

             Xavier averted his gaze from the man and turned his attention towards the fire pit just like Eric had. The flames seemed to glow a faint purple now, as if the presence of the man had caused it.

            “Why don’t you come closer to the fire sir? Can…..can I offer you some tea or perhaps some other drink?” Their mother proposed, though keeping her eyes averted from the man.

            “That is very hospitable of you,” he said as he approached the fire pit, causing the fire to flicker in his direction “however, I am not very thirsty at the moment.”

            As the man came to a stop besides Eric, Xavier heard the clink of a chain, and realized the man was trailing a chain behind him, as if he were walking a pet. Xavier followed the chain to the front door where it disappeared into the night. He could feel the presence of something just outside their door.

            “I suppose you are Vanessa Black?” He asked politely.

            Their mother pursed her lips and nodded slowly.

            “And these are your three sons? Could I have their names and statuses?” The man continued.

            “Marc Black, 16, biological, Eric Black, 14, biological, Xavier Black, 14, a……adopted,” She said the last word somewhat reluctantly; she’d always hated admitting Xavier’s ‘origins’.

            The man sighed, “It is not our business to meddle with the domestic affairs of humans, but I do hope you are not relying on our government to supply for him?” He asked.

            “Of course not sir, never, we get the same amount of rations as any other family. It is a burden I have accepted on my own.” She replied firmly.

            “Good. Let us begin then. My name is Lutherias Rizorgart, and I have been appointed to lead an investigation throughout the eastern half of Abscond concerning the incident regarding Mr. Shamlock Croatius.” Lutherias announced.

            “I have already swept the other homes of this avenue on previous nights, and finally I have arrived at yours. If you agree with it Mrs. Black, I shall proceed to question each member of the family starting with you.” Lutherias said dutifully.

            Xavier was not shocked to see his mother nod obediently, considering they didn’t have much of a choice. Lutherias nodded in response and tugged hard on his chain.    

            Xavier followed the chain to the front door as Lutherias started to reel it in. Xavier’s heart beat sped up as he saw an ominous figure slowly make its way through the dark hallway. Xavier felt another wave of cold air pass through the room as a figure became visible within the hallway. Lutherias tugged once more and the figure stepped out into the light of the fire.

            Xavier froze with fear as he felt a cold drop of sweat trickle down his back. He heard his mother gasp and saw Eric stumble over in her direction.

            The creature, oddly, was shaped like a human, however, it had an extended torso and it walked on all fours. Its body was entirely black, with maggots squirming in the exposed areas. It had long gray hair coated in fungus that fell from its back and head in long strands. Its face was blank but for a large mouth lined with jagged teeth. Its hands and feet had but three toes and fingers, each adorned with claws coated in puss. It moved its body slowly and meticulously, almost like a spider.     

            Xavier inhaled and nearly gagged, he had never smelled such a strong rotting flesh stench in his life. The only thing about the creature that was probably worse than its stench was the noise it was making. It made a long low throaty noise, as if it were crying or mourning.

            “This is an orilies as we call them. Do not worry, it shall not attack you. It is simply here to help with the questioning.” Lutherias said amused.

            “What……what’s wrong with it sir?” Xavier found himself asking almost involuntarily.

              “Wrong with it you say? What makes you think something is wrong with it?” He asked, seemingly interested in Xavier’s question.

            “It’s……it’s in pain.” Xavier responded almost immediately. He didn’t understand how he knew it though.

            “Is it? Look up my boy, I wish to see your eyes.” Lutherias said amused.

            “Wait, but sir, wouldn’t that be rude?” Eric asked sounding distraught, his voice quivering slightly.

            “It is alright, I have given him permission.” Lutherias said unbothered.

            Eric looked at Xavier worriedly, he seemed to be trying to tell him something, but he wasn’t sure what.

            Xavier slowly stood and raised his gaze to meet that of Lutherias. Xavier would have gasped if he hadn’t caught himself. He had had a quick glance at Lutherias, but now that he clearly looked at him the man looked rather intimidating.

            He had long lustrous dark purple hair, with long strands of it braided with feathers. He had pointed ears like all perfects, and his irises were the same shade as his hair. He wore a velvet black cloak; dark green battle gear that seemed to shimmer like scales when he moved, black army pants, and black leather boots. Strapped to his hip was a long broad sword. But, what caught Xavier’s attention most was the shinning scar on Lutherias’s forehead. The scar was in the shape of the northern star and it shone a beautiful baby blue. This was the mark worn by all perfects, giving them the right to perform magic.

            “Good my boy. I’d like to ask you, how do you know the monster is in pain?” Lutherias asked, narrowing his gaze at Xavier.

            “It’s the noise it’s making sir!” Eric said almost immediately.

            “I do not ask you boy, but your brother.” Lutherias said annoyed.

            Xavier now understood what his brother was trying to tell him. “He suspects me.” Xavier thought to himself.

             “But sir, it’s true; it sounds hurt, almost as though it’s wounded.” Xavier quickly said after he’d understood Eric’s warning.

            Lutherias seemed to pause. He slowly shifted his gaze to Eric then back to Xavier. “Really, why do you suppose it is pained?”  Lutherias asked expectantly.

            “I couldn’t possibly know sir.” Xavier said trying to sound perplexed.

            “Guess then.” Lutherias said simply.

            ‘Guess’, the word was so simple, but Xavier knew if he said the wrong thing, he would give himself out. He knew that the creature craved nourishment. But, if he said this, he would be found out, for only someone who could read the creature’s aura could figure this out. However, he couldn’t say something like ‘he’s lonely’ or ‘he’s afraid’ since both statements lacked credibility.

            As Xavier contemplated on his answer he thought he heard a small voice whisper to him ‘he’s hungry’, ‘he’s hungry’. At first he thought he’d misheard it, but when it repeated itself he thought otherwise.

            Xavier raised his gaze to meet that of Lutherias who raised his eyebrows expectantly. “I think he’s hungry sir.” Xavier said confidently.

            There was a pause where Lutherias regarded Xavier questioningly, and Xavier looked back at him undaunted, he knew he’d chosen the right answer.

            “Yes boy, the creature is starved. You may return to your seat.” Lutherias said jaded.

            Xavier felt a wave of relief pass over him as he sat down next to Eric and their mother on the sofa behind him. He knew he’d guessed right, the voice speaking within his head had been that of Lutherias. He’d tried to influence Xavier into saying ‘he’s hungry’. The trap had been well set. If Xavier had said anything other than ‘he’s hungry’ he’d have denounced himself as an enchanter. Xavier had realized that normal humans were easily influenced by magic. Thus only an enchanter could resist the influence of another enchanter.

            “As I was saying, this is an orilies, a mist creature. They primarily feed on the human conscious. I do not expect you to understand this concept; however you should understand that orilies have a preference for corrupted consciouses.” Lutherias said as though he were lecturing young children.

            “This works to our benefit because lying corrupts the conscious. Thus, hopefully you have deduced this already, I’ll ask you a few questions with the presence of this orilies, and if you are to lie, your conscious will be consumed.” Lutherias said as though it were a mere normality.    

            “Mrs. Black, I’ll start with you.” Lutherias said nodding towards her. “Let us start small; what is your name age and work?”

            “My name is Vanessa Black, I am 34 years of age, and I am currently working as a caretaker.” She said calmly.

            The orilies remained calm thus Lutherias continued, “Are you familiar with Mr. Shamlock Croatius?”  He asked.

            “Yes.” She replied.

            “Were you conscious of Mr. Shamlock’s supernatural abilities prior to his arrest?” Lutherias asked. 

            “No, I was not.” She answered simply.

            The room fell into dead silence as if waiting to see whether the orilies would attack or not, but it seemed to be more interested with the fire pit than anything else.

            “Alright then, Marc Black; I ask the same question of you, were you aware of Mr. Shamlock’s abilities prior to his arrest?” Lutherias asked.  

            “No sir I couldn’t say I was.” Marc repeated casually.

            “How’s about you Eric Black, were you aware of his abilities?” Lutherias asked bored.

            “No sir, I wasn’t.” Eric replied.

            “And finally, Mr. Xavier Black, your sense of deduction seems relatively high, were you aware of Mr. Croatius’s innate abilities?” Lutherias asked somewhat less bored.

            “I wish.” Xavier thought to himself, but decided to simply contend himself with a “No, sir.”  

            “Well then, I see no reason as to further intrude in your home, I will take my leave.” Lutherias said, and as if it had understood the orilies backed away from the fire pit and began to slowly make its way out the corridor, its moaning having doubled in intensity and volume.

            When Lutherias’s cloak vanished out the door trailed by Marc and their mother, Xavier allowed himself to crumble onto the sofa. “It’s only a matter of time,” He heard himself say out loud.

            “What do you mean?” Eric asked worriedly.

            “It’s only a matter of time before I burn myself playing with fire.” Xavier said sardonically, as he realized that his greatest asset would probably lead to his almost certain death. He thus found himself smiling as he contemplated his probably gruesome death to come.     

Author's Note

Sorry if i have any punctuation or grammar mistakes, though they shouldn't be too extreme. It's also just the first chapter.

Reviews

[FoxgloveLove]

This is fantastic writing! I almost have a hard time believing that you're only a beginning writing in this genre. Based on just this one chapter, I would say that you have a real talent for writing. With a little fine-tuning in your language and grammar, I feel like you have a real gem with this story, as there are so many directions you can take it.

As you seem to be aware, there are some parts of your writing that need some correction, but this is something that you can learn as you continue to write more and have other people proofread your work. If you'd like a full proofread of this, I'd be more than happy to help, but in this review I'll try to focus only on tips for you to keep in mind as you continue to write this story and other works. Your story and your overall style is very solid, so I'm mostly going to focus on your grammar, language, and a little bit on your structure.


---Structure---

This part I'll keep brief, since I only have a few things to mention in this regard. First, and most obviously, I think this is a very long first chapter (about 21 pages double-spaced, according to what I measured in MWord). I'm not sure how long you're intending to make this work, but generally it can be better to keep your opening chapter a little bit shorter, since your main objective is to introduce the reader to the world and main characters of your story (if you're following a traditional story structure; you can play around with this a little more as you get used to writing in different styles and genres). I would say that what you have here is good for the first chapter and part-way through the second chapter, if not two full chapters. You could make the encounter with the perfect and the orilies as part of the second chapter, since you're switching gears from introduction to more complex plot development. Stylistically, this can be your decision, but that is what I would suggest for the pace of this story.

The second question I had was with your line breaks, of which you didn't seem to have a very consistent employment. For most of them, I would honestly just get rid of them, since they're only really necessary when there is a major scene change within the chapter; most of your story following Xavier throughout this chapter is continuous, so I don't really think they are entirely necessary. As before, though, there's no real problem with keeping them if that's the style you are aiming for.


---Language---

Your writing in this story for the most part is very well done. You have some excellent descriptions of your characters, environment, and history worked into your scenes, and I'm quite impressed by your ability to build tension through a blend of detailed imagery, dialogue, actions, and emotions. However, the writing you have so far gives this more of a "light-reading" style novel. Your writing is vivid and up-front, your main characters are young teens, and most of it is fairly easy to read quickly. This leads me to believe that your target audience/age group is somewhere in the Teen to Young Adult range.

What makes this a little confusing, then, is some of your word choices throughout your writing, particularly in your dialogue, but also in your narration as well. I can tell that you like to use longer, highly-descriptive words a lot in your writing, which is great practice; however, some people in your target audience may not be as familiar with them, so sometimes it can pay to add a little bit more description when you throw out a word that might be less common among younger readers.

In terms of your narration, there are cases in which you do this well and some cases where you could try to add a little more description. One example I saw in which you did a great job of this is when you describe the cadaverra as "voracious," and then you continue on to show what they would do to illegitimate magic-users that would help the reader get an idea of what it might mean for them to be voracious (having a strong hunger or appetite), which adds an incredibly rich and grotesque imagery to their overall description. An example in which you did this in a way that could use improvement was in your final line, where you say that Xavier said something "sardonically," but you don't add anything more to give a reader an idea of what sardonically might mean if they had never heard that word before. So, as you write, keep in mind to try to add a little bit more detail when you throw out a word like this.

In terms of your dialogue, however, I would advise you to be especially careful of this, especially considering the nature of your characters. Not only are your main characters young, it also seems that education is not a very high priority in your society, so it seems unlikely that these 14-year-olds would have a very rich vocabulary. In your narration, these descriptive words are excellent for use, but it just doesn't seem as natural of a dialogue when your characters start throwing out complex, highly-uncommon words.

Also, something to keep in mind for your writing is to make sure that your usage of these words is appropriate. It would be better to go over each of these instances in a full proofread, but in general just ensure when you're using less common words that you use them in an appropriate manner.


---Grammar---

There are some grammatical mistakes throughout your writing, but most of them can be fixed easily by having someone look over your work. Having an extra set of eyes on your paper will help you catch mistakes that you might miss in looking through your own work. If you don't have anyone to help you proofread, I can go through it with you. For now, I'll just mention a few consistent things I saw that you might want to watch out for.

The first I noticed, which was a bit confusing for me, is that you seem to mix up some grammatical marks. In a number of cases, you use quotation marks (") in your writing that I can only assume was meant to indicate a pause (example: “I"I don’t know, I felt something"I don’t know what, but"it wasn’t natural whatever it was.”). I don't think I've ever seen quotation marks used in this way, so I'm not sure how you came to use them in such a manner, but I think what you want to use are ellipses (...), which are used to indicate pausing or hesitation. Compare the following:
“It’s"it’s in pain.”
“It’s... it’s in pain.”
Not only is this less confusing, especially in dialogue when you're already using another version of italicized quotation marks (“ versus "), but it's also going to be more universally understood that you're trying to indicate a pause.

The second thing I saw as a recurring issue was your comma usage in several different cases. It'll be difficult to go over all of the different cases individually, but I'll cover a few here. In the first case, compare the following sentences:
“Before yesterday, actually; you beat up Tim Merrelli, remember?” Marc said amused.
“It’s only a matter of time before I burn myself playing with fire,” Xavier said sardonically.
In both cases, with the fragments "Marc said amused" and "Xavier said sardonically," you add descriptors to further elaborate on how the speaker is saying the line. The second sentence is grammatically correct, since "sardonically" is an adverb describing the verb "said," so you do not need a comma; the first sentence, however, is not grammatically correct, because the descriptor "amused" is an adjective, which is not describing the verb "said" but instead is describing Marc and his overall disposition, and therefore requires a comma to separate the two components (i.e. "Marc said, amused).

Also, note that when you exit a quotation with only a period, you should end the sentence with a comma rather than a full stop (period). Consider the following:
“It’s only a matter of time.” He heard himself say out loud.
“It’s only a matter of time,” he heard himself say out loud.
The fragment "He heard himself say out loud." is very awkward as a standalone sentence, so it is more appropriate to exit the quotation with a comma and continue the sentence with "he heard himself say..." as a part of the same sentence in order to tie the "saying" with the quotation that is actually being said. There are times when it may be appropriate to end a sentence with a period, however most of the cases in which you do it are not the most appropriate way to do so.

Your usage of semi-colons (;) is also for the most part on the edge of being grammatically incorrect, or at least inappropriate, so I would suggest you avoid using them for now until you get more practice with how to use them properly. Also, since this is more of a light novel, semi-colons may seem confusing to readers and, really, simply aren't that necessary. You could write most stories without using any semi-colons. If I help you proofread this work, I can go over in more detail of when it would and wouldn't be appropriate to use semi-colons. For now, however, I would simply just go the easy route and take them out altogether.


- Rating -
Content: 19/20
Grammar: 15/20
Structure: 18/20
Language/Style: 18/20
Appeal: 20/20
----------------------------
Overall: 90/100

This story is wonderful, and I am very excited to read more to see where you decide to take it. I'd be more than happy to continue reviewing this as you write more, there's a lot of potential for this depending on how you choose to work with it. Hopefully, you'll find this review at least a little helpful for your current and future writing. Good luck, and keep up the great work!

[Axel Mateti]

Thank you so much for your review, now i know exactly what to work on! I'll make sure to make the appropriate changes and hope that you'll become a regular reader! :)