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A poem I wrote for my deceased father on Fathers Day of 2014

A Poem for a Father

I never got to meet you but,

Everyone tells me how delightful you were

How you made everyone laugh and how you made

Mom blissful, even though she never showed it.

Mom says she never saw you fuming or gloomy,

Because no matter what you always found the best in the worst.

People say a drunk driver hit you and

mom said that the angels needed you

But I needed you too.

I will always need you.

They said you were on your way to work that day.

And that you were waiting at the stop light.

And when it changed to green, your world turned red.

They said that it was like having the air ripped out of your lungs

And that the safety belt crushed you from the outside in

But I always thought that safety belts were suppose too protect you from

The inside out, which is why I hardly wear one anymore.

They said that you died on the operating table,

That your 5’7” hulky body couldn’t take it anymore.

A body that was once filled with tenderness and love for a daughter

With laughter and smiles for a wife

And with care, protection, and affection for a small family of three.

Mom says the memories of you are fading.

That she only remembers some things and one day every last memory will

Be gone with her too.

And I’m trying not to think of the bad things

And I’m trying to pry every single memory from her head so that I

Can have some too and not just motionless pictures

I can still remember how I prayed and wished that you could

Visit me in my dreams, but I guess that only happens in the movies

They say that you’re watching over me and you always will be

But somehow that was never enough for a little girl

Who never understood the meaning of loneliness?

They say I have your smile and eyes.

But I remember how I wanted that too change

How I wanted to get braces and wear contacts

Because I was told that only ugly people have crooked teeth

And only geeks wear glasses.

I wish you were there to tell me how beautiful I looked with

My slightly crooked teeth and glasses.

That I shouldn’t listen to what they had to say because

You made me a preciously perfect princess.

That I inherited small details from you so that when I looked

In the mirror you would look back at me.

I made so many promises and wished on so many stars

That you could come back and we would be a little family again

But I guess I burnt out all the wrong stars and broke all the

Promises I made too you, because you never came back.

They say that the reason I have scars going up

My left wrist is because I tried to commit suicide at 15

But I was only trying to find a way to see you

Because no amount of stardust or gasoline could ever

Take me too where you are.

They say that at 16 I was mildly depressed and at suicidal risk

Because I ended up behind grim gray concrete walls

And not pearly white gates.

They say that at 17 I had healed healthily

But I’m crossing the stage now and my

Scabs opened up again because you’re not around.

I close my eyes and try to pull back memories of you

But they say that at the age of 3 children forget the past

And I was just unfortunate enough to lose you at 8 months old.

They say that the reason I go out with so many guys

Is because I’m looking for a “Father figure” but I don’t

Think it’s because of that.

Maybe I’m looking for someone to offer me attentiveness, like mom says

Maybe I’m looking for someone to indulge me, like my ex says

Maybe I’m just looking too have my heart filled

With memories that go on limitlessly like the words in this

first poem I wrote for you.

For at least then my tears would become diamonds

That had seen your beautiful russet eyes

And not just grains of sand that only saw pixelated people

Behind melted minerals that sparkled and broke.

Broken like my heart that bled out dreams

That poured into puddles of wished wishes

That were made impossible to be granted.

Broke because my 12 year old self

Took her hammering heart and pounded the

Picture perfect smile because there’s no reason

Too smile.

Broke because I was too naïve to admit

That you weren’t coming back,

I learned that the hard way a long time ago.

I don’t blame you for abandoning

Because like mom says it wasn’t your fault.