The other reviewer liked the arrangement of the lines, but I find it confusing and a bit off putting. I couldn't sense any rhythm after 3 re-reads. That being said, the content itself isn't of bad. I would tell you to rework the presentation, but perhaps it's a stylistic choice that some can appreciate and im missing out on?
Posted 9 Years Ago
9 Years Ago
Thank you for your comment, yes, it's not supposed to rhyme, and I probably should have noted that w.. read moreThank you for your comment, yes, it's not supposed to rhyme, and I probably should have noted that when i posted it!
Good job. The way the words are presented reminds me of someone taking gasps of air just to expel each few words. I especially like this line:
"and live
for a few hours
and transform
to someone
who is fine"