4/12/15

Depression in its prime.

4/12/15

Sometimes I wonder if I prick myself if I’ll feel any pain. Although, I know I’ll never actually have the balls to do it.

I feel a little piece of myself falling off any and every place I go.

Every trip to the store, every visit to a friend’s or family member’s place, every restaurant, gas station, and my place of work.

Like a cow, milked, little by little at every… f*****g… stop.

Now, I don’t mean to cheat myself, I know what’s best for me and that I can do better, but it seems that I have truly fallen in love with melancholia.

When am I going to give myself the happiness that I deserve?

What good is it to feel numb most days?

Maybe I wouldn’t even be strong enough to feel any actual emotion.

Gone away, I imagine. Passed the things you can feel.

An existential realization that, yes, that CAN be more.

Passing realms of time that ticks slow, fast, and even backwards.

A possibility that’s greater than the golden gates.

My soul is lost there. Or rather, it’s found.

And here I am in loss. A void. Stranded in a world that sucks all of the life away.

This place beckons, calls my name. Its faint whispers calls in desperation, for it smells my pain, as if it isn’t already obvious that it’s there.

I want to be, I want to go. Board the specialized, non-existent, not yet found train that goes one-way only, the only way.

And the only way to get near is to forget it’s even there, and as I further write, and write about it, I am sickened and tired of myself.

Recent days I feel as if I’m on autopilot. And now my very own existence has become a burden even for my own self.

Reviews

[Zugzwang]

Hi Ari. I liked this article. I can identify with all of the feelings you appear to be expressing. The call to the other side is always there for me but as I come to know myself the voice becomes weaker and weaker. There was a time when I thought it would take me but that time is past for me now. I hope it passes for you too. Peace.