Infatuation Intoxication

Just a cringe writing piece of my anxiety and how I felt when developing a crush for someone who doesn't feel the same.

He is not the sun. Though it may feel like he is the star that you're orbiting, remind yourself, that you are the sun. And if not the sun, then Sirius, or Pollux, and of course Betelgeuse. You are the center of your own universe because you are what is most real to your own perception. Though this crush may be so intoxicating, so knee-weakening, so anxiety-wrenching. You will always be the one. Though insecurities plague your mind when awake, and nightmares when asleep. You will always be enough. Because the one day he is not here, you will be, beside yourself. Holding yourself together, with the pieces of the puzzle that keep collapsing and slipping through your hands. Though this infatuation may be so mind-bending, that you can barely function without a glimmer of hope for the future or a wave of fantasy consuming your mind. You must believe that what is truly good for you will manifest in the solar system you’ve created around yourself. He may not be a star that you’re orbiting, but he is a star nonetheless. A star providing the light necessary for your growth, as if you were dying for a ray of attention. And once received, like a sunflower turned right away into its direction to bask in its warmth. But I understand. The need to believe, the need to fixate, the need to understand, the need to know, know everything. The comfort with feeling desired, the smile hidden within your heart every time the lyrics of a song make you think of him. Every time he texts. Every time you fantasize about him. Him. But he is not the sun. Though you beg for his attention, competing with the various planets, meteors, and asteroids, you yourself are also a star. With your very own planets, meteors, asteroids, stars, within your own galaxy. You are everything you ever wished to be, and you will be everything you hoped for. You are enough. 

Though your heart beckons for his response and skips a beat every time you hear him ring. Understand that your emotions are intense. Intense. Just as intense as the gravity holding your solar system in place. That pressure that only you could feel, pulling everyone towards your heart, your core, your soul. Pulling everyone towards you. Except him. 

Needing to be loved. To need to feel desired to gain a glimpse of validation. As if under a spell, to beckon at his every call. Everyone deserves love, and to say that you’ve loved and never loved again, would be enough. If that love was just as fulfilling as it feels now. If that moment was more than just a moment and could grow into something even more beautiful. Then all the promises you made all the gods and the galaxies, that you reside in, evermore purposeful. The wishes you made to spend hours and hours with him. For him to be as intoxicated with you as you are with him. With him. The wish to erase the fear of feeling not enough, to be just enough for him. For him. The wish to establish intimacy for you within him. Within him. The wish to plague his mind, as he does yours about him. About him. The wish to no longer feel alone, for him to want you the way you want him. Want him.

However, the fear of the galaxy is not within the known. It is within the unknown, the vast emptiness of outer space, just begging to be filled with more spatial entities to spark excitement within your life. The fear of stars drifting off, as your gravity was not strong enough to hold them behind. Leaving behind a hole. A hole so huge that none of the celestial objects within your vicinity could even begin to fill. Leaving you with the fear of who you despise the most. Alone with yourself. Alone. If the star was the only light you received after casting light upon the thousands who orbit you. If this was the inevitable fate of 2 stars that could never be binary, then let me live this moment over and over again. Manipulate time to repeat every moment to live them enough for a thousand lifetimes. Orbit the star so fast, that ripples in dimensions are created so big, that spacetime cracks just for you. For you. For you to be granted all your wishes and allow your galaxy to merge with one that it was never destined to, just for you. For you. To allow divine intervention to create your destiny tailored to your emotions. Your emotions. Ensuring that every song you ever listened to was the heard in the vibration of your galaxy, written for you. For you. Every memory you made with him was by your creation. Your creation. Every emotion felt by him, was played by your heartstrings. Your heartstrings. As if every story you’ve ever laid eyes on, every fiction you’ve heard, every romance you’ve ever dreamed of, every fantasy you’ve ever thought of was memories of yourself. Memories robbed from you, from millions of other consciousness of you. Every memory manifesting itself into reality for you. All for you.

So remind yourself, that though he is not the sun of your solar system. He may be a comet. Passing by, casting his tail in your light to grasp your attention. With a beauty so enticing that you almost let go of all your planets to follow within its light. So intense that you feel that is the most real feeling you’ll ever feel. So passionate that it ignites all your previous passions again, being the lighter you’ve been looking for. But that is all he is. A comet. A visitor. A passerby. And as soon as his route has been completed, he will continue his course out of our solar system, and back to his own, through many others. But not for you. He is not for you. He cannot be for you. Though you will miss the comet, and dread the hole it leaves behind, and beg for spacetime to bend to allow his route to pass by you again.

You will never know.

Until it has.