What is it YOU want?

About a girl with a split personality.

She sits alone, troubled in her thoughts. That’s how they always started a conversation about her. She must have some pretty hard things going on in her life. There was no need to name her anymore. She just sits and stare, at who knows what. The grass, does she think? Maybe she sees ants crawling through the grass? They passed through many possibilities about what she looks at. What does she think about? Maybe her parents are going through hard times, are they getting a divorce? What about a relation, or a friend, that is suffering an illness? They always talk about her life. She never speaks to anyone, no one. Just yes or no answers. When people try talking to her she just looks away, and they give up. None of them really try anymore, though they won’t stop talking. Something needs to be done. It can’t be like this forever. There must be someone who can help her, anyone. They suggest many people who might be able to help. That’s it then. If there’s nothing we can do for her, why do we bother? Why do you bother?

 

They talk about me, all the time. I hear the words, they want me to hear them. But they’re not for me, they’re for her. She hears them, through me. She doesn’t let me understand them myself, only what she lets me understand. Only from her view. She doesn’t trust me to speak either. She doesn’t trust me with much. Not even seeing. But she can’t stop me from doing that. There was a time when she could block my vision, stop me from seeing anything. But she stopped being able to control it, and my vision blacked whenever it may. So she had to stop it altogether. I didn’t mind when my vision stopped uncontrollably, it was the one thing she couldn’t control. I just wish that I did.

 

She needs to stop now. She can’t ignore us anymore. They worry about her life. She doesn’t show any respect for her teachers. The school worries about her the most. We have to get her to talk. Why won’t she talk to anyone? They always wonder about her. Maybe she should see someone, someone who can understand. They have suggested this many times before. Would you like that? Would she like that?

 

‘Would you like that?’ You, not her. I hear the words. But it wasn’t her who I heard them from. I heard them from the person sitting before me. Where was she? Why was she letting me hear for myself? I was scared. It had been eternity since I had heard words before she did. I didn’t like this. Where was she? I need her.

 

Would she like that? They always question about what she likes. There are many people who could help her. None of them have much hope. Everyone is here for her, we all are. Whenever she needs us, we’re always here. They say that. Don’t worry if she has a class, we’ll always welcome her. Though it’s a question if they mean that.  

 

They won’t stop talking about me, about her. She wants me to do something to stop them questioning her, but she won’t let me enough freedom to do so. It’s her own control that has them worrying about her. I could do something, she knows I could. But she’s scared that I’ll have too much control. I could do what she doesn’t want me to do. I could for a splint second, linger in my control. She doesn’t risk it.

 

She’s leaving school soon. She’s going to graduate. Is she excited? They use the word excite on a daily basis with her. There must be an inkling of excitement in her. They think by saying the word, it will make her feel it. She still won’t talk to anyone. Even after all these years, troubles must still be going on at home. Her parents won’t speak though. She should speak to her parents. They don’t ask why she doesn’t. I guess they’ll hurt her if she does. That must be the only reason. Maybe her Father is abusive? They’re very quick to presume. What does she plan on doing after she leaves school? I plan on living.

 

‘I plan on living.’ I could not hear the words, but I knew whose mouth they came from. Hers. No, no, not hers. Mine, they came from mine. My mouth, my mind? It was the first time I had said more than yes or no. And she hadn’t stopped me. But she had. It didn’t work? She was angry, but she could do no more than take over what I heard. There was this hint though. It was something new, something… good. But I could still see the expression on the person’s face who sat before me. I didn’t understand. She didn’t let me understand.

 

Does she mean she wants to become more assertive? Start doing things more, talking more? They find it had to stop presuming. What does she want to do to start living more? They don’t understand her. Travelling? Some people find that by travelling they start to see things in a new way. They don’t know how she sees herself now. Come now, didn’t she have fun speaking before? We all want her to speak about her thoughts more? They act like she’s a child now. Well, we are always there for her. If you knew you she was, would you be?

 

‘If you knew you she was, would you be?’ The thought slithered through my mind, collapsed against my teeth. I had not spoken. But she was there. Happy? Tell me what is happening? But she never answered my questions. Where was she? Where is she? Where am I? No, I know where I am. But she doesn’t. How can she, when she’s never been anywhere but with me. And now she’s not.

 

Is everything all right? Are you okay? Are you okay? You know we’re all here for you. You know we’re all here for you.

 

No. She’s here for me.

Where is she?

She needs me!

She can’t, she can’t be out there by herself.

How will she hear and see and speak?

Where is she?!

I need her.

Why won’t she come back?

I don’t want to hear, I don’t want to speak, I don’t want… to live?

Where is she?

 

I heard it. The words. I spoke it all? She heard it. But she didn’t. If she had…

 

Is everything okay?  That person is looking at me again. I heard her speak. She was speaking to me. I heard it all, I saw it all, I felt it all.

 

I never learnt to speak on my own, not without her.

 

Are you alright? That person is still asking me questions. I have to answer. Do I? Yes, I do. I don’t know what else I can do. Not without her.

 

I could do nothing but answer with all honesty. 

 

I’m fine.

 

She’s fine.

 

 

Reviews

[gloomysundays]

This was an alright story. It didn't seem like she had a split personality. She just seemed to be deliberating on something. Like, "Do I want pizza or spaghetti?" She seems indecisive and pensive but that's about it. I actually have a friend with a split personality and it's literally nothing like this. I will give you credit for making a good attempt. This little line "She never speaks to anyone, no one. Just yes or no answers." bothered me a tad because it's very contradictory.
I think maybe you should have done a bit of research before choosing you mental disorder. It was an alright piece of writing although it was inconsistent with the truth.
Also, good luck in my contest.
45/100.

[Andrew Payn]

Amazing, truly amazing my friend!

[snopadelic]

I'm not sure i totally understood it but I really liked it. I also had the song Everone's talking at me stuck in my head after reading it. it was well written.

[AK]

Beautiful thought. What is it YOU want? A real mind opener. I loved it!

[Summer'sBreeze]

this is such a deep thought peice of writing
you are an amazing writer
*100*
I love it!

[Sophie]

I am so confused but in a wonderful way. This was absolutely amazing, words can't describe it, I loved it so much.