Sex is in Our Veins(But Love is in our Memories)

A young man relives one of his fondest yet most hated memories.... Inappropriate 4 audiences under 15, Language, sexual themes, drug and alcohol abuse. Gay characters Don't like don't read~ :3

Sex is in Our Veins (But love is in Our Memories)

-a story of helpless remembering-

No. No. No. No. No. This wasn’t supposed to happen! This wasn’t how it was supposed to be! This wasn’t what he wanted! His mind screamed: this is fake, this isn’t real. But his body… his body believed it was. It felt real. It felt like more than a dream. More than a memory gone awry. It felt… physical. And his traitorous body responded to it all. The hard hands on his hips, rough and uncaring. He moaned. The breath on his neck. It made him hard, so, so, so hard. The lips on his pulse that sucked hungrily on pale flesh. His eyes rolled to the back of his head. The sudden shock of pain that raced down his spine as teeth sunk into his throat, biting him, f*****g branding him like a f*****g rabid animal -- fierce and demanding. It made him putty and cracked his walls. He arched into the touch and silently begged for it -- for more -- for the bulge he felt pressing against his thigh. He fell into everything that was Asha. He was pliant against his tongue. Open and submissive against the rough hands that dug painful bruises into the v of his slender hips. His body screamed, “take me”. “Break me”. “Own me”.  And that scared Nolan more than anything else. It scared him because this wasn’t real.

None of this was f*****g real.

He knew it. He knew it, he knew it, he knew it, he knew it but when Asha pushed him up against the wall with enough force to wind him, all Nolan could think was --

S**t. This is exactly what he needed.

It made him feel alive again. It let him know he wasn’t just the worthless shell of a human being that everyone (including himself) thought he was. He was more than the s**t in the public bathroom stall, moaning without shame but sounding more hollow than even the fakest porn-star ever could. He wasn’t just the cokehead snorting crack through his nose in a seedy motel room, whose blue eyes once shone so brightly. Now, they only ever sparked when the drug was in his veins. Asha’s touch showed him that he wasn’t just a sad, scraggly-looking alcoholic wasting away in the corner of a bar -- bleach blonde hair dull and lifeless just like him. He was more than he really was. Because it was all true: he was worthless, he was nothing. When Asha held him, he felt like he was worth something.

And it made. No. F*****g. Sense.

So he kissed back. He pushed everything else aside and just let his mind go. He let himself feel again and it was passionate and hurried and just like everything it used to be. Perfect. Ephemeral. Fleeting. And so, so, so good. Nolan couldn’t ask for more.

It was a whirlwind of moans and groans, of almost feral growls and steamy, fiery, angry touches and need. Dear God. The desire. The lust. The pure, unadulterated, sinful blaze that clawed through his veins. The fire lit a match and let everything inside him burn, leaving his mind a haze which left him panting, gasping, leaning in for more, more, more. It wasn’t right but it didn’t matter because it felt right. Right now, it was all about feelings. How it felt to him. It was why he did this. Why he put up with this beautiful, horrible, wretched man when deep down inside he knew it was slowly destroying him. But feelings… touch… emotion. They were all that really mattered.

So Nolan thrust his fingers through Asha’s raven locks. He bit back. He yanked. He grinded and he marked and nothing made him feel more alive. He scratched down Asha’s bronzed back, ripped off his blue button down shirt and whimpered in desperate unabashed lust. He stared into his honey colored eyes, pupils blown. He pressed Asha’s rough hand against his arousal. He took the hint. Asha squeezed. Nolan moaned. And it was all so good.

But no. 

In the back of his mind, Nolan knew he needed to pull himself together. Pay attention, Nolan!  He knew that in a moment this would all come crashing down. Don’t give in. He knew he’d be royally fucked. Listen, listen, listen! He knew he needed to heed that little voice in his head, the sane part of him yelling, No! No! No! No! NO! over and over again. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!  Bad trips were dangerous, uncontrollable, and often times fatal, but at the same time…

That little devil in Nolan’s mind, the part of him that had already given up on life, the part that had died and left him empty, whispered in his ear. It told him to f**k it all. If he was going to die, whether in a club from a failed liver or an STD from a random f**k in a public bathroom or an overdose on crack on a particularly bad day, anyway, why not now? Why not when his mind was on the tip of euphoria? Why the f**k not? Because it would be selfish? Because it would be cowardly? His friends would be sad? Disappointed? Ha! He was long past caring about s**t like that. He was in too deep. Long gone. Lost. He’d messed up and fallen down so many times, he didn’t even know which way was up anymore.

Yet…

Yet?

Something stopped him from letting go completely and from just doing what his traitorous body screamed to. It wasn’t because deep down he was a good person. No. Because he wasn’t. It was because he was a fucked up coward that he began reaching for the JAAK lodged in his spine, sending the forced command of “RE:PLAY” through his nerves and up into his frontal-lobe. It was because he remembered how this particular memory ended.

He knew how it soured. He silently cursed his luck at getting a faulty JAAK, because JAAKs were supposed to avoid memories like these. Memories with conflicting emotions, memories that weren’t fully positive because this memory was fond. The touches and kisses were great, and the sight of a debauched was Asha even better. But the end… The end was horrible. The end is what catapulted Nolan into JAAKing in the first place.

There was a reason their touch was angry. Why it was so rushed and fiery. It was because this would be the last time they’d ever see each other. It was because in thirty seconds their hotel door would be flung open and they’d be torn apart. Asha’s parents would see their son for who he really was. A disgrace. A f****t. And Nolan would be stuck in that hellish loop all over again. Forever. So he decided to end it before it started.

Nolan closed his eyes, with one hand still in Asha’s hair tugging them closer. The other hand slowly began reaching behind his own head and up towards his neck where he could feel the JAAK pulsing. Beeping. Warning. Error. Error. Error. He grabbed it in his fist.

The door burst open and just like before, he couldn’t help but look up and feel it all over again. His heart pounded. His eyes widened. His stomach dropped. Residual panic began coursing through his system…

 But he caught himself. His eyes went steely in a way they couldn’t in the past. This time, it was only a memory. This time, it couldn’t hurt him. This time, he could control it and stop it where he wanted to. Nolan ripped the JAAK from the base of his skull with a sharp and trained yank.

He could feel no more.

 

Author's Note

SOME BACKSTORY!

Asha's name: Means Protector of the flame. In this case I took it to mean protecting his own hidden desires and lust (of course I doubt that's what his parent's had in mind when naming him) He's a man of mixed decent, an Irish father and a Persian mother. He is an only child and in the memory nineteen years old (in a few weeks)

Neal: Whose name means passionate or like a cloud (drifting aimlessly) he's a full blooded Irishman whose name fits him to a T. When he first met Asha he loved him with his entire being, despite the knowing that he had to be kept secret, and when it all came to an abrupt head on the eve of Asha's wedding and the bride found out, Neal fell into depression, drugs and JACKing just as passionately.

JACKing: A nuero stimulator that tapped into the brain's frontal lobe and forced up specfic positive memories within a certain time-frame into crystal clear clarity, like a dream but only realer. You're concious of the moment, you feel everything as it was, you're not WATCHING the memory you're EXPERIENCING it all over again. But it comes at a price...

The setting: It's set in a future Ireland where the two had initially met and the only unconquered territory was the full capacity of the human mind.

***NOTEE****
THANK YOU NICKI DEAR FOR EDITING THIS FOR ME!!!
*****FEB 14 NOTE****
This is being extended into a short story? Type thing as well soo that'll be up soon

Reviews

[Donise Sheppard]

This is a great scene. I think you should expand into a novel! Would love to read more! I didn't read the name Neil. Maybe you meant to change it? This is the first same sex work I've read and I absolutely love it! I thought the repetition of words were great. It showed plenty of emotion. I liked how it was erotic but not blunt with it. It didn't come out and say "yea we were doin it!" lol. But I loved it! You're writing tone is very similar to mine. I write very steamy make-out sessions as well. Every time I write anything farther I just delete it! I'm too nervous a writer I guess!

[Tsukin Archangel]

Thanks! And wow REALLY?! Well I'm flattered! LOL glad I made a good first impresssion in the world of same sex couples lol. Yeaaaah whoopppss LOL the author's note was written for the FIRST ver i had of this sense then Neil/Nolan's name has changed (I'm fickle) sooo he USED to be Neil now he's Nolan I needa... edit that LOL. But yes in terms of making this a novel WELL! I am. I actually finished the first bit... chapter... kinda thing... buuut I'm kinda reluctant to post it just for the reason its REALLY REALLY long and well I kinda doubt anyone would read it ^^; So like why bother? LOL

Ah the first bit actually has a like ... sex SEX scene in it, GRANTED i may take it out, I don't know. I think I kinda have to leave it in just cause it gives a bit of an insight in how messed up Nolan is in his own head.

And nah plenty of people don't write like SEX lol it's just a thing you're either comfy with or not. Personally I PREFER not writing sex sex and stopping at like well fingering is about as far as I prefer to go cause I'm like from there... you get the point you know what's happening LOL

[Donise Sheppard]

I think plenty of people would read it, no matter the length. As long as it captivates the audience they will keep reading, wanting more.

[Tsukin Archangel]

well I suppose I can post it then when I finish some edits lol. I just know a lot of people end up turning away when they see that scroll bar shrink to like nothing LOL

[Blue]

You are a talented writer. I admire how you came up with this. Steamy.

[Tsukin Archangel]

Thanks! :3 I'm glad you enjoyed it lol

[Dai Hanshou]

It's different from other smut I have read. The repetition of particular words were annoying, what I mean is this: And so, so, so good.

The impact here would've been better if it was: And so, so good.
Too much of something just breaks the flow. I liked the train of thoughts though.

[Tsukin Archangel]

Well I wouldn't really consider this "smut" considering... they weren't naked and didn't really do anything more than kiss. But thanks for your input! We shall see, personally I like the repetition, and considering there's only one other review it's kind of a moot point. But anyway Thanks!

[Dai Hanshou]

True, I didn't know what to call it. Hence the word.

[Tsukin Archangel]

Lol "steamy intense make-out?" LOL That's what it is in my book anyway. Though I don't particularly blame you, you aren't the only one who'd had a reaction similiar to "am I reading porn?" and I'm like NUUUUU IT'S LIKE CLOTHED KISSING MY GOD!

[Dai Hanshou]

Plus, you rated this and I misunderstood. :P
'Steamy intense make-out' is too long to type for indolent people... Clothed kissing - sounds decent, though the feelings depicted state sooooorta otherwise.

[Tsukin Archangel]

lol welll if it werent for the fact they were u know interrupted they PROBABLY wouldv'e gone further

[Dai Hanshou]

Now that I think about it, they shouldn't have been interrupted. So, apparently, the author is evil.

[Tsukin Archangel]

LOL!!! Welllll I'm honestly not TOO fond of writing things that go much farther than like foreplay lol, I usually stop b4 the actual penetration lol. Butttt yeah LOL. I'm actually in the process of extending this peice (good god pg 18 and I havent even gotten to Asha's return TWO MORE SCENES UNTIL THE NEXT DAYYYYY ALMOST THERE!) sooo who knows, maybe we'll get a long lil actually smutty scene

[Dai Hanshou]

I'm not expecting v.v
Make it PG 17 so I can read D:

[Tsukin Archangel]

oh I meant Page 18 LOL but yeah ONWARD AND UPWARD GOD I NEEDA STOP HANGING ON THE INTERWEBS!! I'M NOT GETTING ANYWHERRREEE!

[Dai Hanshou]

Then do. ._. Your lols make my eyes hurt :P

[Tsukin Archangel]

Why?! AND YEP LEAVING WRITERS CAFE YES YES INDEED!

[Dai Hanshou]

Don't leave for, like, ever! D: I've only begun reading your works! YOU CAN'T LEAVE FOR LIFE

[Tsukin Archangel]

LOL I MEANT I WAS LOGGING OUT FOR THE MOMENT!

[Penny]

Wonderful piece. The repition leaves an impact when you read. Its erotic yet forbidden at the same time. Thanks for sharing

[Tsukin Archangel]

Thanks for your review!!! I'm glad the reptition was pervieved as such (cause that was the point of it lol) So I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT! And thanks for teh friend request!

[Penny]

My pleasure completely, it'll be fun being friends with tou and have pleasure of reading wonderful stories.

[Tsukin Archangel]

indeed! Feel free to follow me on twitter or something if u ever wanna just talk. I tend to be glued to my social media!