Chapter Twelve: Meeting

I'm lazy and don't feel like italicizing everything though i bet i will

Chapter Twelve: Meeting

Nicoli

The white door swung closed behind me with a silent click, the only thing letting me know it did being the light puff of air that whispered against the back of my neck, ruffling the hair there gently. I just felt so... angry. Rabbioso. Angry at Alex for abandoning me, me stessa, and Angie. Angry at Julius for taking away the only thing I had to connect myself to her, angry that, that man seemed to know everything about me without my having ever met him. Proprio arrabbiato.

I slammed my fist against the white wall, an angry growl escaping my throat, the sound resonating through the hall. La Cagna. Pain shot through my hand; up my palm, radiating in my knuckles, stabbing at my wrist, throbbing in the fiber of my bones. I relished in it, focused on that pulsing sensation, a sensation that distracted myself from my problems.

I took a deep breath, steadying myself, and leaned my head against the cool surface of the now closed door, feeling it's icy cold touches travel throughout my body. I knew that what I was really feeling wasn't anger. I knew that. I knew I was just hurting;  feeling betrayed and lost; infantile, all of what I was really trying not to show, what I was trying to hide behind those walls of sarcasm and venom. Muri costruiti per durare. The walls I'd put up to keep myself from getting close to anyone, keeping others at a distance, so I wouldn't have to feel like this again.

But of course I failed. 

Ero debole.

It was to be expected.

I couldn't remain strong, I was only human; I craved interaction, praise, love... all of what any other person wanted--needed--as much as the next one. Sally, Victor, even Evon, all of them had wormed there way into my heart against my will, carving out chunks of myself that would only leave gaping holes and deeper scars for my broken psyche to fill. I fori non ho potuto risolvere. I didn't know why I let myself go through this, I didn't know why I didn't try harder to avoid others. It wouldn't be difficult, I knew all the routes Victoria's and Julius's scavengers usually took, yet still I had managed to be found.

I had been devoured fully and completely, constricted into submission, by that one in a million chance that a scavenger might stray off the path--only to then--a few hours later, feel the bite of the brother beast, feel its sharp fangs pierce the tender flesh of my waist, injecting me with its venom, dragging me down, in un inferno, into Tartarus, down to meet that fateful moment that only one in a billion people get to ever experience; that moment I met a pair of soloist.

Both occurances would happen only rarely, once a year maybe, happened to me back to back, within hours of one another, and... I didn't push them away. È stato un errore. I let them in. Non avrebbe dovuto essere debole. I could've left Evon to die, that was his fate, that's what's the fate of anyone who goes outside of their camp without proper supplies, who cares about what they might have intended, their excuse, there's no point in having one when you're dead. It means nothing. God won't listen.

But I didn't do that. I saved him. I let him live.

I pushed off the door and began to walk down the hall, my pale hands stuck in the pocket of my worn jacket. I didn't want to think about what saving him implied, what letting myself be hugged by Sally meant, or letting Victor ruffle my hair. I didn't want to think about the fact that, that probably meant I really didn't want to be alone, that this lifestyle of solitude wasn't what I really wanted. Rather it was a punishment, a curse, another burden, another cross to bear; not a blessing. I sighed and pulled the jacket closer to me, the stubs of my fingers going through the bottom of the pocket, showing the world my beaten nails. Yet another reminder of the sorry state I was in. That I was just a scummy orphan fighting to survive. Patetico. Unwanted. I shook my head, clearing it, biting my lip harder to stop the second round of tears I felt threatening to overtake me. 

My eyes watered profusely and I felt the first tears fall, running down my face in rivulets. Just what was wrong with myself today? Why couldn't I control my emotions like before? Why couldn't I just lock them away and throw away the key. 

A sorry whimper escaped my throat and I was forced to stop, stumbling against the wall as another sob left me. Oh dio, I was pathetic, I couldn't even last ten minutes without becoming a sobbing mess. I let the tears fall, there was no point in trying to stop them now, the dam had been broken; I felt hot shame run through me, the embarrassment at seeming so weak even if no one else was looking. 

I tightened my grip on myself, trying to disappear, trying to make myself as small as possible. It wasn't okay for me to be like this. It wasn't okay for me to even be here. I was a killer, a monster, a ticking time bomb to destruction and here I was amongst others. What if I hurt them? What if I did to them what I'd done to those Animate? I shivered at the thought. This was why I had left Victoria's camp, I didn't want to hurt them, I didn't want that guilt on my conscious.

If that's how I felt with them, those I barely tolerated because of the prospect of food, imagine how awful I'd feel if I hurt the people I actually liked. 

Vorrei morire.

Tears continued to fall, my cries echoing around me, sorry, wretched sorrow filled cries that screamed for death and forgiveness. I couldn't keep doing this, I had to pull myself together, there was an image I had to maintain, a vision of myself that I cherished, that kept me sane. The one that locked all the feelings away behind a dark and dangerous mask. That was the "me" I wanted. That was the me I was. 

I had to get my thoughts under control, I had to or these tears would never stop. I could cry for eternity and it still wouldn't wash the blood of my sins off of my hands, the blood of the many slain by my blade, shot by my bullets. I took a shaky breath and opened my eyes, fixing them on the tattered, worn cuffs of my jacket. It looked so old, so faded, the once black edge now more of a muted gray. It was the same one I'd come with, the one with the bullet holes and tears in the arms and shoulders. It was beat up and dirty but I couldn't bare to part with it. Not of my own free will at least. The thing was broken, just like me, maybe that's why I was so taken by it. Maybe that's the reason I was so attached.

I sighed, the sound of one returning from the edges of insanity, and loosened my knuckle whitening hold on the torn fabric of my jeans, my eyes drawn to the growing holes in the knees, frayed and shoddy; I'd have to get rid of them too. My dark brown gaze raised to the wall across from me, my black hair hanging on the side of my face covering my left eye, my face cold with the streaks of drying tears.

Everything was white, sterile, puro; the facade, the ceiling, the floors, everything. It made me feel like a stain, an unwanted smear, a dirty footprint waiting to be bleached away. It was just another sign that I didn't belong here with these people. Everything about me was in disrepair, tired and dying, breaking and broken, while everything around me shined with unbridled youth.

"You didn't go very far, I'd have thought you'd have gotten lost by now."

I turned to the sound of Alex's voice, jumping to my feet and furiously wiping the tears out of my eyes, though I knew it wouldn't do any good, I was so pale that even the faintest blush could be seen. The rouge of tears would be impossible to hide. I glared. "Sorry to disappoint you."

"It's cool, saves me the trouble of tracking you down." He paused about a yard away from me, the scarred blondes gaze looking unsure, apologetic; afraid. His obvious discomfort brought a smirk to my lips.

"Don't worry, I won't bite," I growled out teasingly, a devilish grin pulling at the corners of my lips, a heated glare aimed at his soul, my face and tone contradicting each other. It was still obvious I didn't want to talk to him though. I could think of a lot of other things I'd rather do to him at the moment, things involving knives and slow, deep cuts. My face scrunched in disgust; luckily for him I didn't have my sister's blade anymore.

The blonde held up his hands. "Look, I'm only here cause Julius asked me to show you around the camp... I'm not going to hurt you." I said nothing, I didn't like how he treated me like a scared child needing reassuring, I wasn't that person anymore, I wasn't a damsel in distress, I didn't need his pity, he didn't deserve to give it, not anymore. Not now. He closed the distance between us stopping a foot away; I had to look up to meet his eyes. "Come on." He said.

I set my jaw, keeping my steely gaze trained on him. "No." I wasn't going to make this easy for him.

Alex shot me a glare of his own. Good, I didn't need him getting attached to me again, like before my world ended. Though maybe I should have let him, it would have been a fitting punishment at the very least. "Nicky, you can't be serious, you're acting like a kid!" His voice came out sounding exasperated.

"No one calls me Nicky anymore, that's a kids nickname," I crossed my arms over my chest defiantly.

Alex raised a brow. "And you're acting like an adult right now?"

I gaped at him, my mouth opening and closing silently, unable to come up with a response. "Fine!" I huffed in defeat, arms raising in irritation. "Fine, just get it over with." My gaze locked with his shoes. "And let it be known I'm only doing this so I don't get lost later."

"Whatever you say hot shot." He ruffled my hair as he passed.

I smacked his hand away. "Stop that. Stop being friendly."

Alex looked over his shoulder. "You know you're a lot of trouble right?"

I scoffed and began to follow. "And you're a migrain waiting to happen. Oh joy." I deadpanned.

"I see the apocalypse's done nothing for your cynical nature."

"You know it's actually done wonders for me, nothing like a few traumatic, near death experiences to cultivate a budding sardonic disposition."

Alex didn't say anything to that.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

The camp was actually a lot more open than I had initially thought it was, only a small percentage of it was actually indoors, like the kitchen's, infirmary, and dorms (which all rested in one building) everything else was held outside in the close to two acre lands. A cool breeze ruffled my hair as I looked out across what could be described as an oasis in this otherwise dry and dying world. 

A cool breeze. I inhaled deeply. 

One that didn't burn going down.

That was a miracle in itself.

Looking at the trees, feeling the grass between my toes, hearing the irrigation streams running through the growing crops, just sensing the booming amount of... unbridled... life, vita, was almost enough to enchant me into believing that everything about this place was perfect, exquisite, flawless, meraviglioso. I could see why the others were drawn to this utopia, why they wanted to believe in it. I could understand why it happened. I was almost ready to do the same. To call it quits, to just lay it all down here and start again. Almost.

But with perfection comes a price. Per niente è perfetto. And with such perfection comes suspicion. And with suspicion comes doubt. And from doubt bloom the seeds of hate. Seeing all of this, knowing now that all this time while I was slowly dying, slowly losing my innocence, a place like this, where I could've been protected and safe, existed? It made me wonder why? Why keep it a secret? Why not share it with those around it? There was more than enough room, why hide it if it was as good as Julius and everyone believed it to be.

I rolled onto my side, staring up at the cloudy sky where bits of sunlight peeked through, warming my skin and feeding the crops. I was feeling antsy, anxious, perturbato, this was too good to be true, there was no way in the world I could be expected to fit in here. My every instinct screamed against it, everything said to run, run while I still had the chance. It would be simple, I could overpower Alex so easily, he wouldn't expect it and I'd have a clear shot to freedom. 

I sighed, but I couldn't do that. I couldn't leave without my dagger. I couldn't leave without Sally or Victor, I owed it to them to not just leave, after all they did to help me, after all they're still doing, it's the least I could do.  

Alex sat down beside me, sitting cross legged and leaning against the trunk of a tree. "Amazing isn't it?"

I grunted in response, shifting away from him, yanking a blade of grass from the moist earth, playing with it between my fingers. It was just so green, così vibrante, I hadn't seen anything with this much color since I was twelve.

"Are you going to keep ignoring me?"

"Yes."

I heard the blonde sigh and shift his weight into a more comfortable position, his long legs stretching in front of him. It was quiet after that. Almost pleasantly so. It would have been if it wasn't for the fact I was still feeling hurt. Feeling like I'd been slapped in the face after he blatantly betrayed my sisters love. 

I realized my hate didn't stem from anything he did to me. In reality the fact that he hadn't made it all the more painful. It was just that... seeing him, not even apologizing to her in her name, la mia povera sorella, even if she was dead, to me, and just acting like I was so much more important than she had been. Like she was an afterthought. Something to be forgotten and disregarded. It was just... wrong. It didn't help knowing that the thought that she might meet him again had been a force to keep her going. To keep her pushing onward for so long, giving her the strength to shield me, take care of me, and seeing him not care... It just hurt.

I turned my head, my chocolate gaze drawn to the scar, cicatrice, on his face, long and slender, disfiguring what used to be handsome. I stared, pulled in by the deep rivulet, a faded pink, slowly morphing into a deeper hue. I wondered how he got it. The question pulled at my tongue, trying to force itself free of the barrier known as my mouth and mind. It was the first time I had really been able to take a look at it sense I'd met him again and I found the mystery behind it compelling, hypnotic, sinfully seductive.

I opened my mouth.

"It's rude to stare." The scarred youth said without opening his eyes.

I flinched, hand instructively running to my side where my dagger used to reside. "I'm not staring."

Alex opened an eye and looked at me. "Sure." His gaze traveled higher, the sun was setting, it would be dark soon. "We should go back, it's getting dark." The blonde stood up and offered me a hand, I brushed it aside and wiped the leaves and dirt from my clothes.

"Well come on then." I grumbled, walking back the way we came.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

"You going to tell me how you got that?" I asked after awhile. The sun had finished setting, plunging the world into thick darkness. A darkness that can only come from a world with color. A black as deep as onyx.

The boy leading glanced my way. "No. There's nothing to tell."

"Fine."

We entered the main building. "Where do the camp defenders meet?" I asked, I noticed I hadn't seen anything that really looked like a training ground in the tour he gave me.

"It's in a side building a ways out, past the fields, we didn't want it close to anything we needed in case something went wrong. I'll show you in the morning."

I nodded, that made sense.

Voices traveled down the hall, steadily growing louder, and I felt anxiety gnaw at my insides, the light pulling me closer, the darkness beckoning me back. People. So many people, I could hear their guffaws, many low and masculine voices, all joyful and jubilant and I knew that the moment I stepped through those doors all eyes would be on me and the prospect made me feel faint.

"You okay?" Alex squeezed my shoulder.

"Fine," I grunted out after a breath. "Stop that." My voice didn't hold the same hard edge as before; I clenched my fists to stop them from shaking.

We paused in front of the door. "If you say so." Alex slid it open. This was one of the few doors that wasn't automatic, and I was glad that was the case, it gave me a chance to compose myself, to grab hold of the few remaining scraps of the visage I wanted to portray.

I gulped and with a deep breath followed.

All eyes fell on us immediately; I shrank back involuntarily. Too many eyes. Too much attention, I wasn't used to it, I felt myself take a step back. I quickly scanned the room for a familiar face, a familiar gaze, anything to ground myself to this new reality where I wasn't alone.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Meno male. Sally, Victor and Evon were there, sitting at a table in the corner of the room. Evon noticed me first and sent me a reassuring wave and a wink, before turning to get the others attention. My cheeks blazed, ah il diavolo, I didn't know what to do with that. People didn't just wink at me. People actually tended to just ignore me entirely out of fear of what I would do to them. I knew the wink didn't mean anything, it was obviously a joke, his attempt at making me more comfortable, but didn't help, it failed. Miserably. Miseramente. All it accomplished was making me even more flustered than before. It just seemed so... flirty, so... teenage... so... normal. I was not the person who was able to experience normal.

Two small red headed youths walked up to me, one with a small eyepatch, the other with one green and one blue eye. They probably would've been utterly adorable if it wasn't for their devilish smiles and the fact that they were in a room full of people all just staring at me.

"Is it true you killed a swarm of Animate?" Eyepatch asked.

"Are you really from Reyna's camp?" Blue eye added.

"Do they really eat people over there?"

"How'd you get out?"

"Do you like it here?"

"Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?!"

I was frozen to the spot, everyone wanted an answer, everyone wanted it now; I couldn't give it to them. I licked my lips, everything felt so dry and clammy, and I couldn't get enough air. I instinctively backed into Alex's shadow, ever so slightly. Just like old times. Even if I wanted to deny it, old habits die hard, and a time of crisis was no time to be fickle, I was floundering, drowning, grabbing at the first familiar thing I could reach.

What better than Alex?

I felt his worried gaze fall one me, I felt the anticipation, everyone was so impatient. I looked into those small eyes, so expectant, so curious, I couldn't take it, my vision was swimming, I had to get away, away before it was too late. Before I did something I would regret.

"Um...I...er," I stammered, backing towards the door. "I need to go to the bathroom. Bye." 

It was rushed and awkward, the most see through lie I could've given, but I didn't care, I just needed escape, release from the constricting confines of the crowd. I closed the door behind me. My hands were shaking, I felt like I was choking, my skin two shades lighter than it should have been. Oh dio, I couldn't be expected to re-assimilate back into society so quickly, not after so much time alone.

My head rested against the metal door for a moment, my hand hanging onto the the knob like a lifeline, the cold a stab of mental clarity. I had to move, I had to distract myself, I could see the end in sight. This path of thought would just spiral forever, dragging me into darkness and repetition. It wouldn't help. It wouldn't bring me any closer to my goal of escape. To escape I had to remain sane, coherent, ovvio, no matter what. I didn't have time to afford those shadows hanging in the back of my mind, constantly waiting for a chance to pounce, a moment of weakness that I'd allow.

I made my way down the hall, I didn't know how many minutes passed but that didn't matter, the sky was black, the sun was gone, I was feeling tired, drained. Too much in too little time. I was still recovering from the effects of using the Virus on the Animate. And to be swamped with an ill hearted re-union, the lose of one of my most prized possessions, and forced introductions... I couldn't take it. All I wanted to do was sleep. Take a nap. I didn't want to do anything else.

My eyes felt heavy, my legs like lead, my body leaned against the wall for support, all the energy drained from my body, sapped away by some mental leech. My feet dragged against the white floor, I didn't know where I was going, where I was supposed to sleep, but those thoughts strangely didn't seem important at the moment. Just the thought of escaping into its warm comforting embrace, was enough to override all other reason.

I rounded the corner, crossing the invisible line into the dorming section. Alex told me some of these rooms were empty, but I didn't have time to be considerate, or to play hide and go empty bed, I wanted sleep and I wanted it now. I paused in front of the front door, my hand reaching out push it open when...

"Hey! Kid, Nicoli, what are you doin'?" I turned, looking into the face of Evon, he didn't look angry, he looked... amused, and handsome. A warning light went off in my head.

My brow scrunched in confusion. "Going to sleep." I mumbled, teetering slightly on my feet. "Whoa."

Evon quickly closed the distance between us, and propped me up against his body. I sank into him, feeding off his warmth eagerly. Something in the back of my head was screaming to stop, that I really shouldn't be letting myself feel, anything at the moment, but at the moment I couldn't figure out why.

"Dude, you look drunk." I felt the vibration of his voice through his chest. "I'd ask if you'd gotten into my booze, but I know that's impossible." He laughed nervously. I personally didn't see what was so funny. Actually I didn't really understand what was going on period. It was like moving in slow motion, my brain was always three steps behind.

I looked up at him bleary eyed, he wasn't looking at me, and from my angle I could see the definition of his jaw. "I don't bere," I shook my head. "er... drink."

Evon scoffed. "I'd hate to see what'd happen if you did."

"Perché?" My tone was questioning and he must have understood, or at least guessed at the meaning because he gave me a look saying really? need I say more?

I still didn't understand but oh well.

"You know the doors lock."

"Hmm?"

"It's why the door didn't open," He looked down at me with a grin. "what were you gonna do kick it down?"

It took me a moment to process but then I felt heat rush to my face. I probably would have if he hadn't found me. "No." I lied through my teeth, embarrassed.

"Good, I'd hate to have to fix that, and I'm pretty sure Akes would've been pissed."

"That was Alex's room? Merda, I should've done it."

Evon laughed, genuinely, it was a happy sound, I felt myself smiling slightly myself hearing it.

"You'll fit right in with that attitude." We turned a corner and stopped. Evon pulled a swipe card from his pocket and slid it in the lock, the door swinging open as he did so. He let me go and I leaned into the door jamb for support.

Evon looked back at me with a sheepish smile. "Well here we are. Mi casa es tu casa. Sorry bout the mess."

I shook my head, it was messy, but did I care? No. If I still had a room to call my own it would be way worse than this I'm sure. Even the little cave cutout I used to sleep in back in the early days wasn't kept totally clean. I just wasn't the type of guy to pick up after himself unless it was just impossible to do anything.

The room was decorated in two ways, you could tell someone besides Evon stayed in here by the posters on the walls and the books on the floor. I saw Evon quickly hiding some magazines under a bed, my eyebrow raised but I didn't ask about it.

"Who else is in here?" I asked.

"Dale, my brother from another mother, as he'd say," He smirked, laughing internally at some joke, probably between them. I must have looked confused because he shook his head and said. "Never mind."

He took a breath. "Well dude, uh, well I sleep here," He said pointing to the bottom bed on the left. "And, uh, Dale sleeps there." Pointing to the one on the right. That one wasn't made up like Evon's I noticed. I looked at the desk next to his bunk bed, it was also very organized where-as Dale's seemed to have no rhyme or reason to it. I smirked. Was Evon secretly some obsessive compulsive kid? It didn't seem like a stereotype that would fit him. I found it amusing. "You can have that desk, and we can figure out closet space in the morning." He looked at me. "Dude, seriously, you look dead on your feet, you need to sleep, like, now."

I walked the rest of the way into the room, and climbed the ladder up to the bed above Evon's. If I wasn't so tired I'd have probably chosen the one above Dale's, but that thought didn't even cross my mind. I just climbed the ladder and plopped onto the bed. I sighed in contentment, it was so soft. I hadn't felt anything so soft in ages. Hard, cracked concrete floors were nothing in comparison. "Planned on it." My voice was soft and sleepy; already I was close to unconscious.

"Night kiddo," Evon said below me, I could feel him smiling.

"Dormi bene Evon," I mumbled, before the comforting blanket of sleep dragged me under.                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Author's Note

OKay also gonna post chap 13 right now TELL ME WHATCHA THINK

Reviews

[Rhianne Ney]

Kay, dude can you post a glossary too? I'm not trusting Google Translate to translate the Italian words here (: Sorry for the great demand

[Tsukin Archangel]

lol i suppose... though I don't really know where i'd put it exactly lol

[Rhianne Ney]

AN of course