Chapter Ten: WakingA Chapter by Tsukin Archangel Chapter Ten: Waking Nicoli Aiutatemi. I was trapped, trapped inside my own mind, my own body, unable to control what happened to it, to me. The darkness pressed in, suffocating and strong, like chains wrapped around my throat, slowly pushing the life blood that was me out the window. Slowly draining me of my will, cutting me off from humanity, making me a prisoner in my own home. Collegamento a me alla mia propria palla al piede. Aiutatemi. I heard the humming, the annoying racket, a funky buzzing, like bees, calling for blood, for retribution, the destruction of all around me, the insatiable bloodlust, all of it engulfed me, pressing harder. Harder, harder, harder. Aiutatemi. Letting me sink, deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. Aiutatemi. A black goo that destroyed all it touched, un fungo, a parasite in the worse sense, one that wished to be in control like a cancer to my psyche. I felt myself losing, I felt myself giving up, growing weaker, I was so tired, would it really be so bad to just remain here? To be the broken memory of who I was? The voice said it would be okay, it was fine to let go, easier even, to not think, to not breath, to leave it all to the Virus. And I was starting to believe it. Aiutatemi. It was very freeing to not have any control, to just follow instructions mindlessly without emotion. It was the epitome of human existence. I slipped away, I closed my eyes, I felt the chains tighten, the bars to my prison closing, I was losing, losing to myself, losing the same way my sister had. I was changing, I could feel the fiery tingling roaring through my veins, like lava, egging me on, fueling my anger, I could feel it all, it was so powerful and I was so tired, so weak, destitute, decrepit; I didn't want to exist, I didn't want to be, it was just so easy, to let go. If I let go of myself would that clear my debt? Then finally I could be with my family again. The dark came closer, swifter, thicker, air was slow to come, I was being choked out, it didn't want me to remain, it didn't want me to just let go, no, then I could rebel if I wanted to, I could come back. It wanted to destroy me, claim my body as its own, reap destruction in my name. But I didn't care. I had done some good in my final moments right? I had saved at least one life. Wasn't that worth something? Didn't that say anything about me. Even if I had taken dozens more, at least one was spared, one life left to live. There was still some good left in me right? If so it was all worth it. To not be remembered as a destroyer, at least to one person, to have made a positive difference in the world, it would all be okay, all be worth it. Everything, every last drop, every last tear. If there had been some good left in me then there had been a reason, it wasn't pointless, I could rest easy knowing that this world hadn't stolen everything from me. That even in my last moments I still retained a bit of my innocence. One that had been torn away from me much too early. Leaving me scarred. Tortured. Empty. Blank. Disturbed. I curled into a ball, the darkness was upon me, I had excepted it, my fate, it was the only way I could die. Killed by my own devil, the evil in me, it showed its fangs now, sinking them into my flesh, devouring all good that was left. In the end I was nothing. Nothing but a person on this planet, a dot, a speck, insignificant. I wouldn't be remembered, not the me I knew, but the Virus would be, the one that tore at my insides and destroyed my mind; the one that I would never understand what it had done, why it had struck, why it festered in me. That's the legacy that would be left behind. That's what would become of the name of Dolore. The siblings that ravaged the world to the ground, and rebuilt it in their on deranged vision. They were the future of the human race, more animal than man, thriving off blood and battle. A horrible de-evolution . Is that truly all the future held for us? To be forever caught in battle? Was that all our progress had been good for? To be a fleeting moment in time, to progress no more, to be stagnant, to reverse. If so what was the point in trying, in living, in dying, in being? Maybe it was better to just go now. Maybe it was a good thing that the me as I knew myself to be wouldn't be around to see the true hell the world would become. I don't think I could handle that. It wasn't like I asked for all the bad that happened. It's not like I wanted it to happen. Nor was it like I was purposefully looking for it, trying to make it come about, but it would find me, it would pull me in, grabbing me by the ankle and sucking me in deeper and deeper, until I didn't hold a hope of ever reaching the surface again. All that was left was the murky view of the water slowly bringing me down, drowning me in its depths. It's what kept me alive. Holding onto my bad, cultivating it, morphing it, magnifying it, all to show I was tough enough to survive. I was good enough. I wasn't someone to be trifled with. But for what was it all worth? In the end I lost again. And not even to a person, but to myself. I lost to things I didn't understand, things I feared. It's sad. Pathetic even. Ironic to an extreme. But unavoidable. It was done, over, complete. I was falling. Down. Down. Down. Down. I felt the cold, cold fingers of death, beckoning me, I saw its light, inviting in a frigid sense. Not warm. Not comforting. No, I wasn't worth that, I didn't get the luxury of a comfortable escape from life, death was enough of a gift for me. I was expecting it, wanting it, waiting for it. Why would it roll out the red carpet for someone as desperate as me. It knew I'd come even if it led me across a field of spikes naked. I'd already experienced pain, what was a little more in the grand scheme of things? Nothing could be worse than what I'd already felt. It came closer, Death's bony hand, the virus grew stronger, I grew weaker; I turned my back to the world, it was too cold, too empty, too void of life. This wasn't were I wanted to be, death was were I was meant to be. I reached out a hand. I felt it's ice spread through me. I embraced it. I saw white. I opened my eyes. -o-o-o-o-o- Bright light shot through my pupils, piercing like a knife; my world spun, everything disoriented, figures and objects obscured and fuzzy. Lava coursed through my veins, fear and misunderstanding. Where was I? Why was I here? What was happening? What had happened? Was this hell? Nausea rose through my being, I tried to focus, clammy sweat ran through my body. I felt sick. I felt broken and confused. I felt the cool breeze against my face but it did nothing to cool the burning in my throat, my arms, my legs, my everything. I turned my head to the side, it was cold, I was shivering now, I groaned and heaved, nausea over-ruling all my other senses, emptying the contents of my stomach onto the floor. My eyes closed, feeling the acidic burn in my throat, the gut wrenching clenching and unclenching of my abdomen pushing up, up, up, my torso spasming in an attempt to rid myself of all the bad in me. As if the impurity could be removed so easily. I felt my hair plaster against my forehead,my sweat acting as an adhesive. Oh dio. A strangled moan escaped my lips; I heaved again. And again. And again. And again. I heaved until nothing but bile came up. Until I was totally empty. I was shaking and weak and felt like the very life support in me had been flung out of me, drained by a leech, a parasite. Throwing up was supposed to make you feel better. It only made me feel worse, wretched, pale and trembling, looking like death itself. It left me empty. I rested my head on the cool metal bar of the bed, taking in ragged breaths, trying to calm myself down, pushing back the wetness in my eyes, wiping at the dripping at my nose. It had burned, throwing up. It had hurt, it had felt like claws grating their way up to the surface, climbing steadily out, sinking the pointed bone into the rock, hoping to find a hold. I took a trembling breath, trying to steady myself, to stop the spinning, to focus. This couldn't be hell. No. Hell I could handle. Hell was just pain, pain faded away. Physical pains never lasted. No, this was the Earth, and the Earth was more of a hell than hell ever could be. What could be worse than living without forgiveness? Living with regret? Hate for yourself and everyone around you? Being alive, being on this Earth, this was the true hell. Having your blood pumping through your veins, breath in your lungs, this was what hell was. Not that metaphysical world of fire and torture, but the Earth, the living embodiment of suffering. Nothing could be worse. Nothing. The sound of clanking metal and footsteps brought me out of my reverie. I slowly opened my eyes, tilting my head to the side, my black bangs falling to cover half my face, eyelids lidded, the taste of vomit still in my mouth, the smell in the air, strong, pungent, disgusting; embarrassing. My gaze fell on more white. For a moment I didn't know what I was looking at, I was confused, my first instinct was to run but I was too weak to move. I just laid there, stupidly. Slowly the white moved forward and I realized it was a coat. A lab coat. A scientist's coat. A doctors coat. It moved in rivulets with the person's body, crinkling and uncrinkling with the sway of movement, the bend of muscles. "Andarsene," I mumbled. The figure jumped, the platter he was carrying falling to the floor. He bent down to pick it up, mumbling a few curses under his breath. Messy blonde hair came into my vision, the type of hair that looked like the person had just woken up, bed hair, it gave him a rumpled appearance. He finished picking up what he dropped and turned to me. "You awake?" "Andarsene," I repeated. "What?" I cleared my throat and rolled my eyes, why couldn't people just know Italian? It was so much easier to speak than English. "Go away." I rasped out, knowing my accent was heavier than normal. "Ah, well sorry, can't do that," He shot me an amiable smile. I guess he was trying to win my trust or something, but I wasn't one to be so easy. I glared back, though it was no were near its usual strength. "Julius sent me to make sure you were recovering properly." "I'm at his camp?" "Yeah," He looked at me funny, his amber eyes calculating. Even though he gave off a laid back, go with the flow air, his eyes showed that there was more to him. That there was actually a brain there, not just some simplistic aid. Knowing spread across his face, like a lightbulb going off, "That's right, you weren't awake when you got here huh?" I shook my head slowly, my eyes trained on him in a predatory manner. "Who are you?" The boy smacked his head, a lazy, sleepy smile on his face. "How could I have forgotten?" He held out his hand. "Winston's the name." "Nicoli," I eyed the hand suspiciously, like it was about to bite me. Winston laughed. "You shake it." He wiggled his fingers to emphasis the point. "Oh," I turned my head and shook his hand, hiding my blush. "See that wasn't so bad, now was it?" "It was awful," I mumbled, still embarrassed. "Oh well." His friendly demeanor dropped, suddenly becoming all business. It was kind of scary to be honest. "I'm going to do your physical now. You should be fine but Julius just wants to make sure. 'Kay?" I just nodded my head in response. He smiled, "Good," He took out a stethoscope. "Now, breath in." -o-o-o-o-o- "There, all done," Winston removed the blood pressure gauge on my arm. "you can go now." "Thanks," I grumbled, unsure of what to say as I pulled on my shirt. "You can go through that door," He said, pointing to the door on my left, "That leads to Julius's office, I think your friends are in there now." I nodded and sighed as Winston finally released me from his care. It was probably the most extensive physical I'd ever had, though maybe it just seemed that way because I hadn't had one in years. I could hardly remember what was proper or not. Though since I wasn't molested I guess everything had gone according to protocol. Winston stood uncomfortably for a moment, shifting from foot to foot looking like he had something more to say, but didn't think he should. "Well...I'll uh, see you later then." He turned and walked out the room, carrying the tray he had come in with out. I sat there on the bed, my legs hanging over the edge, head bowed and shoulders sagging. I couldn't go out there right now, I was too broken, too shaken, I couldn't believe how close I had come to becoming my sister, the same psychotic mess. I could still feel the Virus working in me, its hot power pulsing in my veins, I could feel the Adamantium slowly being eaten away, soon the whispers would come, soon I'd fall back into, follia, insanity. I reached into my pocket and took out a small metal vial, it was one of the last things from the modern age I still had. It had the power to keep metals liquid, a feature that came in handy for me now. I uncorked the top and felt the heat on my face, smelled the metallic scent, something reminiscent of iron, and brought it to my lips. Fire licked my tongue, scorched my throat, and I suppressed a cry of pain. Faceva male. It burned going down. It burned and ravaged and desecrated my insides, but it was the only way. E 'così male. My invulnurability kept it from truly hurting me, from doing permanent physical damage, but the pain was still there. The agony that seemed to be the only pension for regret I could give. My family was dead yet I still got to live, this small sacrifice, this greedy sacrifice was the least I could do. I drank and drank, until there was nothing left, until I felt the fiery ache leave my arms, my legs, my blood, leaving me feeling empty, normal, human. I shakily brought the vial away from my face and took a calming breath, screwing the top back on it. I would need to get more Adamantium now, the magical metal that was the only thing that could hurt me was now keeping me alive. It's funny how life worked that way. I wiped my eyes, and walked over to the mirror on the other side of the room, thankfully my eyes weren't too blood shot, but I splashed some cold water on my face for good measure. Breath. I needed to breath, to calm down. I wasn't weak. I was strong. I didn't show weakness. Weakness was for those who had no other way out. Ero forte. I looked in the mirror again and steeled my gaze. Ero forte. I was strong. I turned and walked opened the door. Sally and Victor sat on the other side, their heads turning when they heard the creaking door. "Hi," I managed sheepishly, sending them a little wave in greeting. Sally and Victor stood up, Sally rushing over and pulling me into a hug. "Nicoli! Thank god," She exclaimed. She pulled back a little and looked at me. "Are you okay?" "I'm fine Sally," I mumbled trying to pull away from her embrace. She shot me a look. I rolled my eyes. "Really, I'm fine, now let me go." Sally sighed and let go, looking me over critically. Victor put a hand on her shoulder. "Let da' boy, breath hun, ya' suffocatin' 'im." "I know, I know, I just, want to make sure," She pinched my cheek; I scowled, "He's just so frail looking." I scoffed. "I'm not weak." "I know honey, I just worry." "I don't see why, I'm not a kid." I shot back defiantly. Victor ruffled my hair, tactfully changing the subject. "You did good kid." "What?" "Evon's going to be okay." Sally beamed. I let out a sigh of relief. "I can leave then." "What? Why?" Sally took a step back and gave me what I assumed was a motherly stare. "I'm not staying here, I have places to be." "What places?" "Just...places...not here." She moved to block the door. "You're not going." I glared. "You can't stop me." "You don't even know where you're going! I'm not letting you leave. That's final." I let out a small laugh. "You're not my mom, you can't boss me around. I'm going!" "You're acting like a spoiled brat you know." Sally glared and tapped her chin. "Besides what are you going to do without your weapons?" I froze, my hand going to my waist. My sister's blade...it was gone. "Didn't notice did you? They took them away, weapons aren't allowed on premise, only when going out the camp can we have them, and I don't think they're going to let us leave, you especially, Julius seemed to have an especially strong interest in you. But don't worry, you can try leaving, you can go without your stuff, you seem to have good luck anyway when it comes to getting shot at. You can go, just walk away and leave it all behind, go against all the charmingly fake words I'm sure are going to fall out of that Julius's mouth to get you to stay. But wait, that's right, that dagger of yours, it's important huh? If you want it back you'll have to stay." She looked me in the eye. "Okay?" I nodded and slouched down against a chair, defeated, taking in a breath. My sister's blade, the only thing I had left of her, the only thing I had to remember her smile, gone, in a blink of an eye. Sally walked up to me and knelt beside me, she placed a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. Oh dio. I was going to cry wasn't I? I bit my lip, I wasn't weak, I didn't cry. I was strong. "It's okay," She whispered gently in my ear, rubbing circles in my back, "We want to leave as much as you do, this place just doesn't feel right to us, too perfect, too advanced, but we can't, not without you, and that means we have to get your blade back." I took in a shaky breath. "Do you know where they took them?" She shook her head. "No, they wouldn't tell us, the keep them under heavy lock and key somewhere." She hugged me, this time I didn't push her away. "Don't worry, we'll get it back and then we'll leave, you, me, Victor, hell even that Evon kid if he wants, I know you think he's hot, don't deny it, and we'll keep moving, keep surviving, just like we always have. Okay?" I nodded my head silently, not trusting my voice to remain steady at the moment. It was too much, I didn't deserve this kindness, this love. I didn't deserve friends or companionship. I deserved to be alone, isolated, away from others, the lone wolf. I was supposed to be pushing them away, but instead I was letting them in and I knew that in the end I'd have to cut myself off, that I'd have to cut my losses and get away. Get away before they betrayed me, before they found out the truth, saw me for the monster I really was and ran away. Before they could truly hurt me. But I couldn't. Their presence was a balm to my wounds. The wounds that couldn't heal, some of the cuts and bruises that could now fade away. A single tear fell from my eyes, landing on my clenched hand. I was trying so hard, so, so hard not to breakdown, not to cry, and I was failing. Failing to be strong. Sally hummed softly in my ear, being comforting, being motherly, being so amazing, and I didn't deserve it. Another tear fell, then another. I was breaking. I was broken. I was hanging on by a thread. I was overwhelmed. My emotions were out of control. Sally didn't say anything just hugged me tighter and let me cry, she knew that the thing I needed right now wasn't reassuring words but an ear, a shoulder to cry on. She would make a great mother for sure. And here I was burdening her with all my faults, giving her a shell of a person unable to ever truly reciprocate this kindness, while she gave back everything. She was sticking with the disturbed child, sticking with me and it hurt and healed at the same time. She let me cry myself out, taking my gasping sobs and sniffs without missing a beat, humming that melody and making me feel welcomed, wanted, warm, loved. It had been so long, oh so long sense this had happened, her touch feather light like my sister's had been, before...before she went insane. Finally I finished and pulled away, wiping my eyes on my holey jacket. "Thank you." I said softly, looking at my hands. She smiled, "It's fine, it's what I'm here for, moral support." She patted my head. "So, why is that dagger so important anyway? I was just guessing it was, it seems almost antique to be honest." I cleared my throat. "Angelica made it for me," I closed my eyes, it felt so weird to say her name again after all this time. It felt foreign on my lips. "Is that who Angie is?" I nodded. "Who...was she?" "Uhm she was...my uhm...sister," I rubbed the back of my head and looked away embarrassed. The door opened and we all turned out attention to the figures at the door, it was Evon and a taller and probably older blonde. For a moment, I could only stare, I was finally seeing Evon's face, and it was gorgeous. I gulped and his eyes met mine, a small knowing grin spreading on his face, his sea green eyes shining playfully, his brown hair unruly in the most attractive way possible. I closed my mouth and wet my lips, my throat going dry. Oh dio, era magnifico, perfetto, irraggiungibile. And that was for the best. "Nicky?" The blondes whisper jolted me out of my staring, and my eyes met his. My brow scrunched in confusion, he looked vaguely familiar but... My eyes widened. "Oh mio, dio. Alex?" I whispered shakily. The room had gone quiet, everyone was looking at the two of us, Alex took a step forward, pushing past Evon, a shocked expression on his face. "Where's Angie?" He asked, a fearful glint in his eye, he knew the answer already, he didn't really want to know, but he had to. I looked away and bit my lip, "Dead." I whispered. To me. I finished in my head. The Angelica he had known was gone. The one he'd loved and dated no longer existed. He nodded, the scar on the side of his face making his face all the more serious. "I figured as much." He put a hand on my shoulder. I was getting sick of all the sentiment and resisted the urge to push it off. "I'm sorry." I shook my head, still looking down. "It's fine, she's in a better place now." It came out sounding mechanical. I hoped he'd see it as grief and not a lie. He shook his head, his blonde hair moving with the motion. "Not for that." I went rigid, and knocked his hand off my shoulder. "Then for what." I growled glaring at him. He looked away, my gaze too intense for him. "For not being there for you, I-I should've been there, Angie and I...we were supposed to have had a date that day, but I cancelled, I didn't think anything would be wrong with it but then..." He broke off, looking guilty, eyes watering slightly. "I should've been there." He repeated. "You were like the little brother I never had, I should've been there." He grabbed my wrist and fell to his knees. "I'm sorry." "And what about Angie," I growled out, fists shaking at my sides. "You two dated since you were freshmen and you're only sorry you couldn't be there for me? Did you even care about her?" He looked up at me taken aback, I glared back down at him and tore my wrist from his grip. "I'm not the same kid from back then." I said angrily, rage boiling inside of me. "I'm not the Nicky you remember, the same sniveling wimp that you had to protect. I can take care of myself now, I've had to for years, you don't need to apologize to me, you should apologize to Angie, but she's not here and she's not coming back. She died for me. She died trying to keep me safe, to try and shield me from the worst of reality. She died without you." My gaze was fiery, my fury almost tangible. "I don't need your sorry. I don't need your pity. I don't need you." He stood up. "Nicky-." I punched him in the face and he fell to the floor, looking more surprised then hurt. He raised a hand to his cheek, already it was swelling. The anger drained out of me. "Don't." I whispered. "Just don't, okay?" I looked at the others around me. Evon looked shocked, Victor looked indifferent, Sally just looked worried. I huffed and turned away from him, plopping down on the couch beside me as if nothing had just happened. "What?" I snapped. A voice came from behind me. "Well considering you just punched my second in command in the face, I'm assuming they're all rather shocked, Mr. Dolore." I whirled around in the seat and found a white haired man sitting in the desk that had a second ago been unoccupied. My eyes narrowed. "How do you know my name?" "I know many things Mr. Dolore, your name is just one such trivial fact. Now why don't we all gather around and have a friendly chat hmm?" He shot us a dazzling smile. Evon and Alex moved to his side immediately, but Sally, Victor, and I remained wary. "How'd you get in here anyway?" "Why sir, there's really no need to be suspicious," He smiled again at me, this time I felt compelled to believe him. Almost. "There is a door." He gestured behind him. I stood up and walked over slowly. "Who are you?" His smile widened even more. "Why Nicoli, I'm Julius, leader of this faction, and I am very excited to get to know you better." I sly smirk crossed his face, almost snake like. "I hear you've lost something important to you hmm?" I froze, terror building inside of me. He'd heard the conversation I had with Sally. He knew out plan. He knew. And I didn't know how. © 2013 Tsukin ArchangelAuthor's Note
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Tsukin ArchangelPalmdale, CAAboutHmm let's see~ I'm 20 (wow I've had this account for a long time) I'm a poet I'm a story writer A singer An amateur Voice actor An anime enthusiast An avid gamer 100% Unadulterrated Me! I wri.. more..Writing
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