Nobody 2 Them

Basically my life, what happens, what I think that people don't know I think

Feeling like you’re a nobody, and like you don't matter hits you hard. I feel it everyday, the only thing that keeps me going is my friends. Kids at school judge me a lot, and most don't even know me for me. and my family’s no better, they treat me like crap to. If I told them I cut, they wouldn't care, at least not really. My friends do though, and they’re also the only one’s who know that I want to commit suicide. I’ve never attempted, but I’ve thought about it. So many times, but I know if I did, my friends would be tore up, and a few would do the same. So I don't do it, but I cut, and I put on a fake smile most the time, to cover up my true feelings.  But, on the days people see through my mask, some try to make me weaker, and my friends try to cheer me up, that’s the only time there’s a real smile. I feel like crap all the time, and like I don't exist, like I shouldn't have been born. Even my parents say that, they say that I was supposed to be a boy, then they act all disappointed at everything I do. I just want to die, at least then I’d escape it all, and it’d probably make a lot of people happy. To be dead, would to be free, and I’ve tried a few times, people think it’s an accident, but I do it on purpose. I just know, that I have to be there for my friends, to protect them, to take the bullets, even if it destroys me. I have to be there for them, and not let anyone hurt them, because they don't deserve it, me.......... I probably do. In fact, if you ask most of the students at school, they’d probably say that I need to die, or that I should die……. The only important people to me, the only one’s who make me feel like I maybe belong, and I have to try and be my strongest for them. For Jazzy, for Jay, for Corin, for Mable, for Nick,....... my only family,..... my only real reason for still being alive this long. If not for them, I would’ve committed suicide years ago. I owe them my life, I just wish I didn't feel like such a piece of crap. I hate that my family doesn't even really care about me, it makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Having more thoughts of suicide this year, than I did last year. I never used to cut, or hurt myself in any way, but I do now. It’s the only thing that helps me escape, the only thing that helps me. I just want to feel like I have a reason for living, I want to feel like I don’t have to kill myself. Because all the hate, and all the throwdowns only make me feel worse, and I hate it, but there’s nothing I can do to escape it……… except suicide of course. I just want people to actually give me a chance, and not judge me for what I look like, but for who I really am. I’m hoping you can figure that out, that I want to be friends with everybody, but so many people judge me for what I look like, that they don’t really know who I am……. I just want somebody besides my couple friends to understand that I’m tired of living. If this is how I’m getting treated, I don’t want it. I don’t deserve it. I never did anything to them, if I commit suicide, they’re to blame
Jazzy’s Grandma has liver, pancreas, and lung cancer,..... all stage four, and she’s doing kimo, but I don't know about radiation. Jazzy cried for an hour the night she found out, then almost a whole period the next day, and I can’t help but cry once in awhile too. The thought of my best friend having grown up without either of her parents, only having pictures to know what they looked like, then her Grandma now having cancer, and a 50-50 chance of surviving…… Tears me apart, her brother might not even get custody of her if anything happens to their Grandma…….. I wish there was some way to fix it, to fix it all, but I can't, I’m not magical…… Just another reason to die, that way I won’t feel the pain anymore.

All this stuff with Jazzy’s Grandma, plus being so damn judged at school. And jokes made about me, along with my cousin completely ignoring me,.......... Can I just die? Can I just not exist anymore? Can I just jump off a bridge? Do I just need to die?

Why does it feel like the whole world’s against  me? like nobody cares about me. That yeah, they know me, but they hate me for no good reason.

I can’t help but think what I ever did to them. Why they treat me like a piece of crap? My parent even say that I should have been a boy, that they would have prefered a boy… Instead of their disappointment of a daughter…. I try to treat everyone how I want to be treated, but they don’t give me a chance. People I shared personal things with, they just seem to hate me even more. I don’t know what i ever did, but I just want to give up. I feel empty, like there’s just no point anymore, and I’m sure that everyone would be happy about that.They’ll probably say how I ruined their lives or some crap, make me feel worse even when I’m dead. Or, they just won’t care, they’ll ignore it…. For me, if I was dead, I’d be free. Free from the hate, free from the torture, free from all the pain I feel when I’m told I suck, or that i’m a loser, or a mistake, or that I never should have been born….. I just want to be treated like a real person, and not like I’ve never mattered…..  i wish someone was there for me, that they could help me through, to convince me not to commit suicide,..... but I guess God thinks I don’t deserve that, maybe he’s just calling me…. Maybe he wants me dead, or maybe he’s like everyone else, he wants to make my life a living hell… Everyone says that God has a purpose for them, maybe his purpose for me, is for me take hate, for me to feel like nothing. Just so everyone else has a punching bag, and everyone else is happy but me.

I’m wondering, would anyone really miss me if I was dead? I mean, maybe Jazz Jay and Corin,.... but anyone else? Nope, they’d be happy probably, and celebrating…. I just feel like the whole damn galaxy is against me, like I’m just a bug being squashed under a shoe.

And today, my paper “masks” was showed at the assembly…. But, for some reason, I felt my heart drop,... I guess it’s because yes, my friends and the sevy's and sixer’s applauded….. But, The ochoes (besides my friends) just seemed to hate me even more…. And I don’t know why, I don’t know what I’ve ever done to them for them to hate me this much….. I really just don’t know…. I’m debating on just writing letters to my friends, and my teachers that like me,.... And telling them that i love them, and I thank them for being there for me, tell them I’m sorry, and that i was going to be gone…. And to my parents, bullies, and people who always put me down and hate myself and the way I look,.... Tell them everything that they made me because of the pain they caused me….. And make them feel bad for ever bullying me, or making fun of my….. And then give them the letter’s at the end of the day, take off from my home, and go die in a hole or some other place……

You guys, I’m sure didn’t clap either, I just don’t get what I do wrong all the time,.... I can never do anything right, not for you, not even for my damn parents…… I’m scared to do fitness, because last year I got judged so much, people would laugh at me in the locker room, AND while exercising,... I’m trying to figure out how to get out of it….. Just so I don’t get judged even more…. My stomach literally feels like I’m going to throw up if I do fitness, I just want to be skinnier.

“All these problems, runnin’ ‘round and ‘round in my head. Feelin’ like the outcast, just shoot me in the head. Just fallin’, fallin’, fallin’ apart, feelin’ like I’ve been struck down from the heart. Lies keep comin’ at me, like bullets from a gun. I’m feelin’ so numb, every time I wake up. The only thing that soothes my mind, makes me feel free, and escape the doubt inside, like nothin’ else matters. Music, it soothes my soul, and lets me escape it all. Escape, that’s all I ever want, escape all the crap that I go through everyday. I live my life a day at a time, goin’ thru all these rhymes. Fightin’ and cryin’, tryin’ to win all the damn battles. Cryin’ out, but nobody seems to hear me. My life ain’t worth nothin’ to them or my parents, they don’t see the pain they’ve caused. I try to escape it, but I just can’t. Everywhere I turn, they just keep firein’. One after another, I just want to run and hide. God, is this how you want it, my life a piece of of s**t. Tell me did I mess up, did my mold break to early? Or was it supposed to break at all? ‘Cause I know, I can’t do this no more. I’m about to break. Tell me, is my life worth livin’? Don’t lie to me, just tell me if I’m supposed to give in? To the blackness, in my heart, in my head, in my soul. I need someone, who’s ‘gonna rescue me, if at all. I need someone here, to be my rock, someone to rescue me from the blackness. ‘Cause I’ll tell you right now, I don’t think I can do it. And I just really need someone, to help me thru it.”

“Wide Load Coming Thru. You Suck, You’re a Loser, YOU WANT TO BE DEAD.” That not so little voice of doubt in my head, yeah, sure we all have one, but mine just seems magnified, and seems to get bigger and bigger everyday…...f**k my life…..

Can I be dead yet? Because it’d be very nice, instead of having to face my parents next week to tell them I have depression, that I’ve wanted to kill myself,.....I’m scared about what they’ll think, how they’ll react,...They’re not exactly understanding, or sensitive, and I don’t exactly think they’ll care, they’ll still treat me like s**t…..Just usual them, don’t care about the one who should’ve never been born, the one who “should have been a boy” the one they already had a boy name picked out for, then were disappointed that I was a girl…….God please, take me now…… Ahh yes, the lovely depression strrrriks again….I.Hate.My.F*****g.Life. Doesn’t help being called a piece of s**t all the time by my Dad...I can barely even stand to call him that, makes me feel sick to my stomach…..Just kill me now, everyone thinks I’m kidding when I say that, but I’m not...I really want to die….Jazzy’s G-Ma’s in the hospital, and they’re saying she might have brain cancer...that’s why she isn’t here today, she’s staying at her Uncle’s in Rathdrum...she’s crying, and she’s scared...I wish I could be there for her, she said herself that she needs me there, and wishes I was there….But, I can’t be, and that makes me feel like s**t...even more than usual….They’re saying that Jasmine’s Grandma, has 3 to 4 months to live…

“I don't know if this is wrong because someone else is telling me that it's wrong but I feel this so let me just like, try my best not to let this happen again. We weren't necessarily put in the best position to make the best decisions.

You can't be hard on yourself for these were the cards that you were given so you have to understand that these, like... that's not who you are. You know you're trying to be the best you can be but that's all you can do. If you don't give it all you got, you're only cheating yourself. Give it all you got, but if it ends up happening, it ends up happening.

That's what�"that's what's happening with me. It's like God I'm giving it all I got, sometimes I'm weak and I'm gonna do it, and it's like I'm not giving myself grace, I'm just like understanding, that's just how it is.” ~JB~Purpose

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/kellyclarkson/piecebypiece.html

When my life is hard (pretty much all the time), my friends are like angels, and my music is like a storm raging inside... the music I LISTEN to, that’s the thing that helps me escape….inside of me is like a red hot fire, hot like lava….of that fire, I only let a little bit of my flames have oxygen…..the song Piece By Piece by Kelly Clarkson, this means a lot to me...my parents don’t realize it, but they’ve burned a lot of holes in me over the years...at least...they either don’t realize, or they just don’t care….."Life Is Worth Living"

Ended up on a crossroad
Try to figure out which way to go
It's like you're stuck on a treadmill
Running in the same place
You got your hazard lights on now
Hoping that somebody would slow down
Praying for a miracle
Who'll show you grace?
Had a couple dollars and a quarter tank of gas
With a long journey ahead
Seen a truck pull over
God sent an angel to help you out
He gave you direction
Showed you how to read a map
For that long journey ahead
Said it ain't never over
Oh, even in the midst of doubt

Life is worth living, ou ou ou ou
Life is worth living, so live another day
The meaning of forgiveness
People make mistakes, doesn't mean you have to give in
Life is worth living again

Relationship on a ski slope
Avalanche comin' down slow
Do we have enough time to salvage this love?
Feels like a blizzard in April
'Cause my heart is just that cold
Skating on thin ice
But it's strong enough to hold us up
Seen her scream and holler
Put us both on blast
Tearing each other down
When I thought it was over
God sent an angel to help us out, yeah
He gave us direction, showed us how to make it last
For that long journey ahead
Said it ain't never over
No, even in the midst of doubt

Life is worth living, ou ou ou ou
Life is worth living, so live another day
The meaning of forgiveness
People make mistakes, doesn't mean you have to give in
Life is worth living again, oh whoa oh
Life is worth living again

What I'd give for my reflection
Is a different perception
From what the world may see
They try to crucify me
I ain't perfect, won't deny
My reputation's on the line
So I'm working on a better me

Life is worth living, oh yeah
Life is worth living, so live another day
The meaning of forgiveness
People make mistakes
Only God can judge me
Life is worth living again
Another day
Life is worth living again

Another song that means a lot to me….

Author's Note

Don't judge, and don't copy please, my life is still human, so don't try to change my scars it please