That Smell

You know when you get the first taste of the high? You can swear that you hear your heart beating in your ears. Your hands shake and your blood runs cold. Everything around you looks and smells and feels and sounds and tastes so wonderful. You can’t stop smiling and laughing. Everything is funny and positive in some way. It’s so great. I love it when the feeling first hits. Sometimes, I like to close my eyes and imagine I am on a beach somewhere in Mexico. The sand is hot and the breeze is cool. I pretend the pounding of my pulse in my ears is the ocean. Then I open my eyes and realize I drifted off and come back and laugh. Sometimes, I share what is on my mind because it’s just funny I have to say it. Other times, I sit back and enjoy that warm just sliding into a hot bath kind of feeling. Then for a minute I’ll come back to reality and I realize that I am going to come down from this high. That’s when I go in for more. At first, I did it in secret. I didn’t want a soul knowing I was addicted. Then, I was doing it everywhere every chance I got. I had to have it. I didn’t care who saw me or who knew. If someone asked me, I honestly answered, “Yes.” Maybe I was hoping someone would knock some sense into me.

Every taste is just like the first time. I can always be taken back to the first time with each fix I get. The music was playing so loud in the bar and I had been drinking and dancing all night with my friends. I had on my favorite dress and shoes were adorable. My jewelry was perfect. My make-up was perfect. He had the stuff there waiting to go. All I had to do was take it. I always said no. I follow the rules. I am not going to be addicted to something for the rest of my life. I am not going to ruin my job and my family and my friends and my reputation. I am going to be a good girl!!

Then again…. This time it did look awfully tempting.

I was caught up in the song the DJ was playing and the whiskey had been flowing all night long. I couldn’t stop smiling. He laid it out. I turned my back on it more than once, but I couldn’t help it. I leaned in and put my nose so close that anyone watching would have thought I was doing what I was sure for so long I wouldn’t do. I leaned away and smiled….. I bit my lip and I am sure the hesitation was in my eyes. My eyes are so telling. They make me a horrible liar…. I took a deep breath and stretched my neck out… I leaned in slowly. All the while I kept telling myself, “It’s just going to be this one time.” I put my nose as close to my target as it could be. I looked up through my lashes and he looked back at me. His eyes said, “I’m not pushing you… you can change your mind, little girl.” His smile said, “You know you want it. I promise I won‘t tell anyone.”

I went for it. I took it. My head immediately started spinning and I felt like I needed something carbonated to drink, but the taste was too good to want to wash down. I smiled and looked around. Nobody had seen. He was on the ball. Before I could decide if I wanted more, there it was ready and willing. I did it again. My heart was pounding so fast I thought I was going to pass out. I kept going and going and still to this day, I need to have a fix everyday.

He never pushed it on me or told me I had to have it or needed to at least try it like the other ones had before. To this day, he still doesn’t push it on me. He just lets me know that he has some for me “just in case” I am interested. Every time he does, I call him. He comes over and gives me all he has. I can never just get a fix. I always need as much as he can give me. I tell myself I don’t need it and it’s never going to be the same as it was the first time. I tell myself that I call him over to prove I can push it away and not need it all. It’s the same feeling. The rush is so intense I can’t stand it, but need more and more. The only difference is that now, he is just as addicted to my kisses as I am with his. I hate being in love with him.