~Costly Consequences~

How much is a friendship worth?

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times am hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

-Marilyn Monroe

 

"A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows you your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities."

-William Arthur Ward

Lost in my frosty defenses

unwilling to kill distance

building more lofty fences

shielding glossy pretenses

twisted viscous existence

yielding costly consequences.

 

Alone... reeling from lessons learned

feeling each broken bridge being burned

crying corrodes this haunting throne

earning each hateful word you’ve thrown

sowing stones hoping to atone

knowing I did this on my own.

 

Yearning deep down for love

yet drowning in fear, I shove

worthless when I get nervous

forgetting I’m not perfect.

 

Wrecked with regret when I reflect

still my will won’t disconnect

sealing my heart to protect

concealing chambers it suspects

cancerous complex I can’t correct.

 

I’m not an angel

… no, not at all

say things in anger

behind these walls.

 

This isn’t war

not today

just slam the door

walk away…

 

… Or-stop hurting me

accept me as I am

with the guarantee

I’ll always be your friend.

Author's Note

Reviews

[Rene Salinas]

There seems to be moments in life when all defenses are put to one side. When speaking to a friend we might say: "I feel hurt" I think as I have observed; they do not mean that they have been injured on an accident and they are in deperate need of ER. In some of the cases that I have come across it is a moment of self- realazation. It seems like a strange thing to say. If one has come to realize why is it that it hurts? Maybe because the experience demands that we die internally so that something new can come about. A piece of us dies and another one is brough about. No more wars but acceptance, no more fear of crashing but embrace me and love me, because although I am full of complexities I will not stop trying to be the best that I can be for you.

You have a way to outpour feelings it makes me think I have a carrot stuck in my throat.

Thank you.

[AprilRN1210]

not only is that a huge compliment Rene, but made me giggle slightly at the explanation.. You know how much your reviews and thoughts mean to me.. you are one of the reasons I have the confidence to share so openly.. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you...

[Steve L.]

Absolutely love the flow of this one. A heart that is at once on full defense but still willing to thaw for the right person :)

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you so much Steve.. this one was written with a broken heart and flickering hope to reach out to a dear friend... I am glad it touched you:)

[W R Stowe]

So often our emotions are trashed by ourselves as well as others.We are often our own worst enemy.
"Yearning deep down for love

yet drowning in fear, I shove

worthless when I get nervous

forgetting I’m not perfect." these are powerful statements,with the fact forgetting that we aren't perfect and we often beat ourselves up over it.You have shared a very strong message in this write.

[AprilRN1210]

I couldn't agree more.. we do forget and are our own worst enemy sometimes, beating ourselves up over the smallest thing-that really in the grand scheme of things- isn't that important.. thank you so much for this insightful, thoughtful review. I appreciate it.. :)

[W R Stowe]

Your quite welcome glad to of been insightful for you

[Bright Ocean Star]

I can identify with this one so much. We just do our best, and unfortunately, for some, that best is not good enough. We're only human and humans make mistakes. No one is perfect. An impefect mess, I am! I love the subtle self-reflection in this one and as always...I love the great quotes at the top. I miss reading your stuff, April. I think the image of the white angel sitting in deep thought is a great complement to this piece.

[AprilRN1210]

I've been told I am a hot mess too many times to count.. lol
thank you girl.. you are so sweet, and I am glad you enjoy my writes...

[Roshan Nair]

The part after Im not an angel is so perfect, an open admission of yourself and what exactly you want anyone in your life to know about you.
Wonderfully done!
Cheers!
Really loved this verse:
Wrecked with regret when I reflect
still my will won’t disconnect
sealing my heart to protect
concealing chambers it suspects
cancerous complex I can’t correct.

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you for this lovely review. I appreciate it.. It is nice to meet you and I look forward to reading some of your work..

[Roshan Nair]

Would look forward to that :)

[David Scott]

Now this reads like sage advice!
Vocabulary defines the perimeters of our experiences. I like how each stanza is the exploration if a single word or thought.
Do we take our experiences and give them definitions to empower our lives and relationships or power to destroy our happiness?
It is realty a simple matter of choice, as your last line so plainly offers.
I can really enjoy a write like this April. Advice and invitation to live by.

[AprilRN1210]

the best advice "they say" comes from experience... It is a matter of choice, which in theory sounds so simple when broken down like that, but in the storm of those emotions and confusion of those demons, it really isn't now is it?.. I like exploring "that vocabulary" and reflecting on those experiences, for I am one of those stubborn ones that doesn't like making the same dang mistake twice:)
Thank you so much David, I appreciate the insight and encouragement.. you have now given me cause to smile!

[David Scott]

April, I really get what you say here. No, we don't get to choose what we feel nor what others or disasters do to us. I not naive to the realities of our humanity. Yet, I believe we can choose the meanings we give to our emotions and experiences. This is a big point of finding actualization in my own life. I'm learning how to live this principle. Hopeful...
Much love to you April.

[AprilRN1210]

I wholeheartedly agree with that.. we can choose the power and the effect.. those feelings, not so much, but how I define them, how I let them affect me, and how I choose to grow from them I can choose.. exactly.. another simple concept, not easily done, though, unfortunately.. but I'm with ya, trying to learn and put into practice.. practice makes perfect "they" say.. we shall see:)
right back at ya David..

[~]

We always look for others to accept us the way we are, and they want the same from us.. so we all keep running in circles till we understand that none is perfect and forgiveness is the best way to go.

[Relic]

I thought I read this then noticed the large font. I don't think anyone wants to lose a friend deep down and it hurts when one does. The poem itself is too well done for this crappy review but anyway. You've written this with such great style. Well done April.

[AprilRN1210]

Is the font too big or distracting?.. and your reviews are never "crappy" Tim.. You are a dear friend and I love and appreciate your thoughts and opinion.. It is always a pleasure to see you, no matter the occasion. Thank you..

[Relic]

You're welcome April. The font is fine.

[AprilRN1210]

oh ok.. I mean I was worrying about that very thing and you mentioned it, so was just wondering if I should make it a little smaller.. thank you again.. ((hugs)) to you my sweet friend..

[ANTO]

This might sound mad but it feels really good to be properly sorry for wronging someone and to confess and seek forgiveness (maybe thats just the Catholic in me)
- whether they forgive is out of our control but we can always say we did properly repent.

This and Jessie J's song together are heartbreakingly sincere. Thanks for sharing April.
:)

[AprilRN1210]

nope, not "mad"... I agree.. Felt good to not only get it out, but to share with the "friend".. as you say, now it is out of my "control", but I can let it go and move on as they say either way:)
thank you for this thoughtful review, I appreciate it.. This song spoke to me when wanted to write this, so thought only fitting to include it.. I am glad you enjoyed..

[writing mojo]

Some very exquisite tones to this piece, it has a drawing from the hip essence, which in cheaters game has dealt hearts, not up the sleeve, with so many holds like hand cuffs and tourniquets, but from the hip in dead mans curve, where only one has the control bluffed enough to foretell these discarded feelings so to speak from my floating eyes to flush cheeks..this piece exhibits a loaded deck with calculated moves.. excellent piece

[AprilRN1210]

Hey you!.. How have you been?.. I don't know how "calculated" this one was... I was in a dark, painful place when I wrote it.. It kinda just came pouring out--tends to do that when I am overly emotional, but helps... It is so nice to see you, thank you for this lovely review.. love hearing your thoughts on my work..