Dollfaces

picture perfect

Probably the most real, raw write I have done... Demons find a way of haunting whether we want them to or not..

 

 

Born into this world

another abomination

unwanted accident

in a string

of drugged out w***e’s

mistakes…….

broken spirit

behind

a pretty face. …

 

Cry yourself to sleep

no lullabies

to soothe

trapped behind façade

of a perfect family…..

shuffled from one home

to the next

the lies, disguise

lost innocence

on devil’s knee….

 

Destined to feel

unloved

learning NEVER

to trust

locked away

imprisoned

no key…….

put on your

DOLLFACE

no fairytales

for this

Cinderella

no prince

to rescue me…….

 

Just another

mouth to feed

reason to collect

precious check…..

pass me carelessly

one rat-hole

to the next

cruel joke I suspect…

 

Praying

There’s no God

…not for a girl

like…….. me

Santa can’t be bothered

no first kisses

prom dates

or school dances……

no sleepovers

passing notes

innocent romances……

 

No fairy godmother

to appear….

just pain and loneliness

festering

in frightened

fear……

 

Scared to sleep

of the dreams

that come

every night…..

always running

panicked

if I could just

become invisible

stay out of sight….

 

Guess it’s me

not worthy of

love and affection…..

try to be better

and yet still

feel the sting

of rejection….

 

Broken bones

hopeless heart

ever feel whole

again?...........

drowning in despair

planning escape

the beginning

of the

end…….

 

A bottle of

pills

a slit

of the wrist…..

just one less

damaged soul

who no one

will miss…

 

 

Author's Note

Reviews

[Christopher Robin]

I think you meant 'cheque' not check, but I checked (ha!) and American US standard is 'check' so you're right, hopefully it won't confuse.
Damn April, not sure what inspired you to pen this... I mean...being 13 was pretty horrible for me too, I think most teenagers have a tough time of it. Yet here we are, here we stand, and here we write, and the endless outpouring of admiration should - if nothing else - show you that those times are long past. 'Family' has a new definition nowadays, you need only look to your reviewers (the ones not trying to sleep with you...they're out there somewhere) to see you are surrounded by a supportive community. Mainly because I think most of them feel like they went though the same thing you did, or want to one-up you, but it's support nonetheless.
Don't get me wrong it's nice to see another side of you than the cheeky sexy one. But we write in the now, from what the past made of us. Don't dwell on your demons like all the other miserable poets on this site (though you d it better than most). Rise above and beyond. Show us what you're capable of ;)

-Robin

[AprilRN1210]

yea, I agree.. not big on the "woe is me" writing and that was not my intention here.... and yes, here in the US it is "check":P
you leave such thoughtful reviews and for that you have my respect and my appreciation... thank you...

[Ashira Macy]

Yeah, I would say this is probably the rawest thing I have read of yours. It was really well written and incredibly tragic, you made me feel for this poor child, passed around in foster homes like a hand me down doll. You captured the agony of an unloved, unwanted child so well, one would think you went through it (which I hope to God you didn't, but if you did just know that we all love you April!!!) I liked the Cinderella references you speckled throughout the piece, I thought they seemed very fitting and you inserted them in a way that was far from cliche. Great work, you are clearly very versatile in your writing.

[AprilRN1210]

This is unfortunately all autobiographical.. every word... this writing was therapeutic... I almost didn't share.. but figured, if it touches someone else then it was worth it.. some of the pieces I read of others helps me, so thought I could do the same... Thank you for this lovely, thoughtful, kind review ma'am.. I appreciate it.. ((hugs))

[Ashira Macy]

I am so sorry hun, =( you have clearly been through a lot, and you deserved so much more. Hugs to you, and if you need to talk and vent just shoot me a message.

[AprilRN1210]

that is unbelievably sweet and I appreciate it.. and will remember that.. thank you... ((hugs)) back to you ma'am...

[Ashira Macy]

Any time dear.

[Mark]

April… there will be no one here after reading this, who will not feel their heat tear and bleed…
Shedding a tear and more for you and the beautiful little girl this was written for… if there is just one wish I hope you receive as a reward for the bravery of this write, is that the final stanza now closed.. will remain so forever...
xxx

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you...

[Cory Barrett]

I want to reach out, and offer a shoulder to lean on. I can only muster that I am so sorry for the grief that you have to trudge through. This breaks me, and I can only imagine how it makes you feel… actually I don't have to imagine you laid it all out right there. It’s not fair that the past isn't a book we can just burn, and move on to the future.

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you for this... I appreciate your thoughts and kind words... honestly... means a lot to me sir... and yes... too bad we can't do that...

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Unlike the tender and wise Kublakhan I could not hold back my tears. This is one of the most heartfelt and sad pieces I have read on here. It is so well versed but I pray not auto biographical?

[AprilRN1210]

I'm afraid so... And the hardest thing I have ever written.... Somewhat liberating to speak of the demons hopefully to let some light in... So tired of always being scared:(
Thank you for this heartwarming review. I honestly appreciate it.

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Hugs April................

[AprilRN1210]

thank you, I need them

[Jack Wolfe]

Wow, hell of a way to start the morning, when you told me this was raw and honest I didn't know what to expect; first off, very brave of you to decide to post. This is indeed 'raw,' and heart-wrenching knowing this is/was a reality is quite haunting. I think I can speak for most, you are adored, loved, and have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met, and hearing/reading of you pain clutches at the soul.

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you for this kind, thoughtful review... You have truly touched me and I appreciate it more than you know... It wasn't easy to write let alone post so thank you for being so sweet

[kublakhan27]

My dear April, I had to work very hard to fight off tears as I made my way through this harrowing and all-too-common life story...now that I've finished it I do find my eyes growing damp...even though it's told from the female perspective, and addressed the plight of so many woman from the beginning of time it seems, I did still see a bit of me in parts of this, not to mention a lot of my Dad's childhood, but I'm not comfortable citing which parts exactly, which I hope you'll understand...and we all know that society chastises victims...it's shameful and frustrating and makes me literally ashamed to be human...what more can I say, this one hit hard, and will be imprinted on my conscience probably for the duration of this day...I'm still trying to reel in my emotions right now...incredible work my friend ((hugs))

[AprilRN1210]

Thank you for this thoughtful, heartfelt review and the hugs sir... I really need em at the moment.... I'm sorry that you can relate... It is hard sometimes dealing with the demons of the past...

[kublakhan27]

I hear that my friend, and I'm glad I could help in some small way...it takes a of bravery to write such a piece but that's the nature of poetry...you don't want people to relate to your issues, but still, it's good to know that there is a sympathetic voice out there and you have one here :) ((hugs))

Maybe this is not the best place to mention this but I have posted a couple of new poems...I have no choice but to state them outright cuz of my RR issue, along with the fact that nobody reads me anymore...I think my firefly poem, posted three days ago, has five reviews...you already have four for this one...it's making me feel pretty lonely...anyways just wanted to let you know they're there if you have any interest...you're one of the few that does though :) I'm pretty much invisible to most people...

[AprilRN1210]

I apologize sir.. I haven't been in the right emotional place or frame of mind to read and review... but promise to come check out your new pieces later.. promise.. you know I love your writing....

[kublakhan27]

I totally understand my friend, I wasn't aware of the circumstances, I would not have mentioned that if I had known...whatever the case may be, I hope your are feeling better soon...you're a dear friend and I hate to think you're going through a rough emotional time...I always know I have your support, and you know you have mine ((hugs))

[AprilRN1210]

I am pretty transparent... I write what I am feeling or what is going on in my head.. I am an emotional writer.. not really clever but feel deeply... and it's ok sir.. yes, you will always have my support... thank you for more hugs.. I will always take those.. :)

[kublakhan27]

We are certainly kindred spirits in terms of our writing...you know how emotional my writing gets, and any cleverness that comes from me usually comes with sarcasm :P You know you have my hugs any time you need them :)

[AprilRN1210]

oh please... I have read your writing, and while highly emotional---- they are always intellectual, analytical, and clever... love witty sarcasm---it is my weakness.. but don't tell anyone...
be careful.. I will take them all the time..

[kublakhan27]

Haha I'm glad you see those things in my work April...it just seems like I've been so much more direct lately, which isn't really me, but your support always makes me fee better :) xoxo

[AprilRN1210]

I have noticed more opening up and that is awesome... it is what we as writers should do as we grow... I am learning to stop overthinking things and just be direct and honest.. so sounds like we have that in common as well.. :)

[kublakhan27]

We do, for sure :) It's a daily battle for me to not over-analyze everything, but I get through to the next day and get back on the horse, which is all that matters I think :)

[AprilRN1210]

indeed.. that is all we can ever hope to do...