Where the Birds have Tourettes

Written whilst on holiday in the Maldives :)

 

 

Paddling out across 

turquoise Turkish delight lagoon

trailed by frothy white wash

to peer over the edge of the world

where the dark water spills down the earth’s curve

 

White shape shifting phantoms

litter the sky above

hang like living art

endlessly morphing fluffy plumes

graceful in their infinite choreography

 

Breezes catch the palm fingers

slapping them together,

a frantic applause ‘bravo’

or the comical sound of skin on skin

in the urgent rhythm of approaching climax

 

The sound of French being spoken

reminiscent of fresh baked baguettes

rrunniest, smelliest camembert

and a bottle of long legged claret

mouth waters, thoughts of lunch

 

The curse of the all-inclusive

inability to control calorific intake

join the procession of

people in ill-fitting bodies

ambling across the sand, buffet bound

 

Unrelenting, angry squawk

of the crows with tourettes

beaks spewing expletives into paradise

torturuous sound of murder being committed

simultaneously all over the island

 

The surreptitious movement of a shell

stop, start, stop. Precious cargo glances out

I pick it up and out looms

a hermit crab, claws swinging punches

antennae angrily waving

 

Serene scene so beautiful it seems

like I stepped into a postcard

dreamlike, accidental, surreal

as waking up in someone else’s dream

and the fish jump as they flee the unseen hunter

 

Reviews

[Vanessa Whiteley]

You paint a beautiful picture of a tropical paradise and have the sort of lines that make a reader jealous that they didn't think of them. Nonetheless, I think this beautiful poem would benefit from a little redrafting. Mainly, I am not sure the clipped language aids the subject. I would let the sentences flow more and yet cut back on the adjectives - a little. For example, I would include the article 'a' here.

Paddling out across
(a) turquoise Turkish delight lagoon
trailed by frothy white wash
to peer over the edge of the world
where the dark water spills down the earth's curve

However, I find the lines themselves difficult as the 'turquoise Turkish delight' is a bit of a tongue twister. Yet 'where the dark water spills down the earth's curve' is wonderful. I love the use of the senses in

'The sound of French being spoken
reminiscent of fresh baked baguettes
(and the) or (with the) runniest, smelliest camembert

Throughout I feel that I want the sentences to flow like water not be short and clipped like a telegraph or a text message home.

and a bottle of long legged claret
mouth waters, thoughts of lunch

I enjoy the twist you give the poem here with:

The curse of the all-inclusive
inability to control calorific intake
(should there be a first person pronoun here?) join the procession of
people in ill-fitting bodies
ambling across the sand, buffet bound


I think with a little revision the following would be a wonderful stanza.

The surreptitious movement of a shell
stop, start, stop, precious cargo glances out
pick it up and out looms
a hermit crab, claws swinging punches
antennae angrily waving

I think I would be tempted to revise it to something like:

The surreptitious movement of a shell
Stop, start, stop. The precious cargo glances out.
I pick it up and out looms
a hermit crab, claws swinging punches
its antennae angrily waving

This is indeed a very lovely poem but with a little revision I think it could be stunning.

[Rain]

First of all, great title ;)

"White shape shifting phantoms
Litter the sky above" ...i love this line.

This stanza is my favorite:

Unrelenting, angry squawk
Of the crows with tourettes
Beaks spewing expletives into paradise
Torturuous sound of murder being committed
Simultaneously all over the island" Good enjambment there.

"Serene scene so beautiful it seems" Great repeated vowel sound.

Great poem! :)

[Poeticpiers]

You transported me to where I had never been reviving memories of tropic seas I have swum in long long ago/
Loved the tourettes syndrome reference

[PianoandPage]

this poem captivated me. it had elements of emily dickenson and ernest hemingway.

there are so many fantastic lines in this. i loved the romance and grainy humor that pulls in and out of this.
it really does reflect the human escapism and the inevitable observations of stark reality well.

you also use alliteration so well here.

"Antennae angrily waving" - i love this line. it's just so perfect.

although i am not familiar with this particular place the line about "all-inclusive" cursing waistlines i find hilarious as i used to work in the travel biz.

[__Flaw__]

Beautiful....just beautiful. U have put motion in your words dear...and one would just love to give this place a visit. Such a delight this one :)

[Rain]

I liked this. So many great lines and images. This was for a contest ? Good luck. Great write. Rain..

[Karma]

The imagiry in this one is so awesome, great write!

[R J Askew]

Brilliant and lovely. I like the postcardending and the last line is like a flourish. The birds are very amusing and the murder similie works well. The observations are good too, especially of the tourists schlepping to the buffet, bodies all a-sagging. 'Long-legged claret'...yes, i'll try one of those! And the palms applauding...and the skin on skin... There is something for all the senses in this poem! With humour around every stanza. Writers block well and truely SQUWARKKK! MERDERMERDER! surmounted I take it!