Where the Birds have Tourettes

Written whilst on holiday in the Maldives :)

 

 

Paddling out across 

turquoise Turkish delight lagoon

trailed by frothy white wash

to peer over the edge of the world

where the dark water spills down the earth’s curve

 

White shape shifting phantoms

litter the sky above

hang like living art

endlessly morphing fluffy plumes

graceful in their infinite choreography

 

Breezes catch the palm fingers

slapping them together,

a frantic applause ‘bravo’

or the comical sound of skin on skin

in the urgent rhythm of approaching climax

 

The sound of French being spoken

reminiscent of fresh baked baguettes

rrunniest, smelliest camembert

and a bottle of long legged claret

mouth waters, thoughts of lunch

 

The curse of the all-inclusive

inability to control calorific intake

join the procession of

people in ill-fitting bodies

ambling across the sand, buffet bound

 

Unrelenting, angry squawk

of the crows with tourettes

beaks spewing expletives into paradise

torturuous sound of murder being committed

simultaneously all over the island

 

The surreptitious movement of a shell

stop, start, stop. Precious cargo glances out

I pick it up and out looms

a hermit crab, claws swinging punches

antennae angrily waving

 

Serene scene so beautiful it seems

like I stepped into a postcard

dreamlike, accidental, surreal

as waking up in someone else’s dream

and the fish jump as they flee the unseen hunter

 

Reviews

[Vanessa Whiteley]

You paint a beautiful picture of a tropical paradise and have the sort of lines that make a reader jealous that they didn't think of them. Nonetheless, I think this beautiful poem would benefit from a little redrafting. Mainly, I am not sure the clipped language aids the subject. I would let the sentences flow more and yet cut back on the adjectives - a little. For example, I would include the article 'a' here.

Paddling out across
(a) turquoise Turkish delight lagoon
trailed by frothy white wash
to peer over the edge of the world
where the dark water spills down the earth's curve

However, I find the lines themselves difficult as the 'turquoise Turkish delight' is a bit of a tongue twister. Yet 'where the dark water spills down the earth's curve' is wonderful. I love the use of the senses in

'The sound of French being spoken
reminiscent of fresh baked baguettes
(and the) or (with the) runniest, smelliest camembert

Throughout I feel that I want the sentences to flow like water not be short and clipped like a telegraph or a text message home.

and a bottle of long legged claret
mouth waters, thoughts of lunch

I enjoy the twist you give the poem here with:

The curse of the all-inclusive
inability to control calorific intake
(should there be a first person pronoun here?) join the procession of
people in ill-fitting bodies
ambling across the sand, buffet bound


I think with a little revision the following would be a wonderful stanza.

The surreptitious movement of a shell
stop, start, stop, precious cargo glances out
pick it up and out looms
a hermit crab, claws swinging punches
antennae angrily waving

I think I would be tempted to revise it to something like:

The surreptitious movement of a shell
Stop, start, stop. The precious cargo glances out.
I pick it up and out looms
a hermit crab, claws swinging punches
its antennae angrily waving

This is indeed a very lovely poem but with a little revision I think it could be stunning.

[Lex]

Great imagery, beautiful write.

[Gandré]

what a beauty. really lyrical poetry. it reads like south Americans poets..oh..

I absolutely loved it.

[Marie]

Nicely done, April.

[Phill Oz O'fee]

You have exquisitely encapsulated the romance, beauty and sweet and sour imagery of that island nation consisting of a group of atolls in the Indian Ocean, the world has come to know, as the Maldives.

Inspired, creative and poetically bueatiful write, which I can only describe as first class!

God's Blessing
Phillozofee

[Tomás Ó C..]

Crowes with Tourettes... such a phrase to describe something. Love it!!!

[Spoken]

Wow, such strong vivid imagery.. really takes me there. I love your descriptive use of words

The surreptitious movement of a shell
Stop, start, stop, precious cargo glances out
Pick it up and out looms
a hermit crab, claws swinging punches
Antennae angrily waving

White shape shifting phantoms
Litter the sky above
Hanging like living art
Endlessly morphing fluffy plumes
Graceful in their infinite choreography

My favorite stanzas. Beautiful! Excellent write.

[Donald Meikle]

Read every word, my mind roared with laughter at the sound of palm fronds. The murder of crows with tourettes
definitely deserved the title. All in all a joy to read. Orlando's review is tops. As to an inventory of recollections without meaning, how else would you transport me there so well?

[Alessander]

You have imagery in here that is very vivid:

Turquoise Turkish delight lagoon
Trailed by frothy white wash

White shape shifting phantoms
Litter the sky above

The only problem I have with this poem is the non-imagery. As a reader, I'm not sure exactly what this is about. It seems like an inventory of recollections without meaning. The last line gives an ominous clue, and I really, really like it - and the stanza on the "tortuous murders" also nicely juxtaposes with the tranquil landscape, but "tortuous murders" is telling, not showing. As sadistic as this might sound, you may try describing in that stanza, like in others. Also, the french baguette stanza sounds like a Folger's commercial. And sometime your diction breaks the spell (calorific, precious cargo,) or is a bit overly...mushy, I guess "runniest", "smelliest", "fluffy plumes" - but then again, I see the contrast you're trying to make, so - I don't know...
Anyhow - this poem is interesting - it has something going on beneath the superficial surface, which you allude to in the "over the curve of the world" and as aformentioned, the last line. The imagery is solid, and the rythm flows well.

[THE BLACK SEAL]

man i cant tell you how much i enjoyed this.
i agree excellent title

very very good