Realization

My journey to understand myself while I was living in Haiti. This coming after tragedy struck my world about a year and a half ago.

I've realized I don't know who I am. This startling reality has shaken me to the core. I was always so  proud and haughty with my identity. I was always so sure of who I was. I was so certain of high standing with God... I know God in a since like one person knows a celebrity from a far, but I don't know him intimately like a bride

I became so depressed when I realized that I've allowed other people to guide me through their revelations with God. When I came to the breaking point I shattered. My foundations where not my own rather I had bastardized other peoples rocks.I was so used to the pony show of walking off the fumes of other peoples identity.

I have to find my relationship with God. This creator of time and space has offered eternity in blood and all I have to do is drink deep for myself. He has read my book, and I have to but write what he has already seen. I have to go and do. Mess up and learn for myself. He has to be my Jesus. My bride. I have to start from square one and rediscover everything. Re-learn simple milk for myself. Me and God.

So God I stand before you naked and undone. Raw and humble before your throne. Mold me.

"I came to Haiti to share Christ, but it wasn't until I got here that I found Him for myself."

-I found and read this recently and simply chuckled. How far I had fallen. How debased I had let my mind become. With all of my "knowledge" and "revelation" I still missed it. It's easy to see by how many times I said the word "I", "My", and "Me". Why couldn't I understand it wasn't anything for me to do. I leave the equation all together. It all goes back to Jesus. It's what He did, His glory, His work, His suffering, His revelation, and His eternity. We simply have the pleasure of being in the wake of His Glory.