Hesitation.

Personal stuff I felt like writing down...

I've never been all that straightforward in certain topics. Some I'm as head strong as a bull, because I've made certain that I am right and can't be hurt. I've noticed that if I can see all possible outcomes and determine which is the most likely, then I can proceed with ease. However, there's a part of me that hesitates, even if just for a moment, if I can't see each outcome or determine the result of every outcome.

As you can see, infinite probability messes with my mind. I see infinite choices and all are infinitely probable. There is no right or wrong choice to make based on the facts presented, and thus no one or nothing can be blamed for making whatever decision.

Such an area is love. The story I am about to tell you is true and hopefully it will give you a window into a piece of who I am.

You see, love is a touchy topic when you discuss it with me. I mean romantic love, just to be clear. Like, having a crush on some girl, or whatever. I often take the topic too seriously, and sometimes over-complicate the issue. I try and anticipate every option the girl could make: rejection and mockery, rejection with kindness, or acceptance.

Anticipating the options she has is not difficult, it is rather easy actually. There are only three. However, determining which is most likely, is impossible. As you cannot determine which it will be, you look at the girl's actions. You then try and interpret how the girl acts around you, and try and see if that is her just being kind or playful, or if that is her cluing in that she actually does like you back. Sometimes the evidence is apparent, where even a toddler could see the spark. However, sometimes it is more vague, causing this technique to be much more useless.

You then have to apply the standard 33% rate to the three choices. Of these three you must determine if it is worth the risk. 66% chance of rejection, and 33% chance of acceptance. Of the 66%, 33 you will get harmed more than you bargained for.

Such is the issue in my case.

You see, there is this girl. I've known her for about three and a half years now, and have had feelings for her for about three of them. These feelings, however, have yet to amount to anything aside from the last year. She was single and I knew I didn't have a chance as it currently stood.

So, what does any sensible guy do? He puts himself in a position to where he gets to build a relationship or friendship with that girl to form a foundation. And that was my step one. I slowly started building that connection, forging it into something we both enjoyed.

Then, once the friendship was established, what do I do? I start contemplating when, how, and if I should tell her how I feel. I start debating the 33%'s and see how it would end up. While debating and harbouring these feelings, I still try to build this relationship with her.

But I told you earlier, I hesitate. The day comes and I finally muster the strength to talk to her, to tell her how I feel, or so I thought. I begin the discussion and then something happened and it was never said. It was but a week later and now she is with someone else. One moment of hesitation and it was all over. Yes, I can wait. Yes, I can secretly hide in the corner and hope it ends just so I can have a chance at being with her. I could. But would that really be what a friend would do? Would that be what she would want in someone who claims to love her or like her, even? No, it isn't.

So, now I am stuck here, watching the days fly by and seeing her be with another man by the timespan of one week. One little week. All because I hesitated. All because I waited just one more day.

This begs the question of why we are even here. Are we here simply to gain acceptance and love from others and to avoid rejection? Maybe to please a higher being such as a deity? Maybe to be in constant search for knowledge and emotions such as love are only distractions from that goal?

I don't know. It is of my viewpoint that it is a combination of the first two. If I am right, then hesitation in expressing your feelings is denying your nature and purpose. Albeit, it is natural to feel hesitation, but doing so in such an extent that it denies yourself entirely from being accepted? That is too far. That is unnatural.