Fly For Freedom

One girl, two lives at stake and a lesson to be learnt. But how far would you be willing to go for freedom?

Fly for Freedom

The wind howled past me, whipping my clothes into a flurry of movement, biting my skin with it's searing cold teeth.
I stood on the edge, staring at the pavement, ten stories below me.

If I jumped now, I'd die.

That was what I was here for, yet I was waiting. The finality of this decision had imprisoned me. Which would it be? Jump and be free, or continue to be a slave to love and the obligations of life? On paper, this was an easy choice. I had just discovered though, that paper means nothing when you're cautiously balanced on the ledge as I was.

Would it hurt when I finally did jump? Would the emergency services try to save me? How long before everyone knew what had happened? How would he cope?

I felt my breath catch at the last question. Despite everything, at that moment, I couldn't stop myself. Memories of his smile, of his arms wrapped around me, of lazy summer days by the lake, they danced behind my eyes, taunting me. I luxuriated in the feel of them, of better days in happier times.

Then I remembered where I was and why I was here. How after today, he'd never see me as the friend I was. He'd blame me, that much I knew. 

It hurt me to think of hurting him like that, but I couldn't take anymore. I'd decided. I was sick of getting up every morning, wanting to sleep again, just to go back to the oblivion of dreams. Sick of plastering a fake smile on my face and pretending that everything was fine. Sick of being unable to tell my one lifeline exactly how I feel. I guess I was just sick of feeling alone. 

I found myself strengthened by these thoughts and stood up straighter, preparing myself. Staring at the ground determinedly, I rocked back on my heels then onto my toes. I breathed in deeply, thenー

"No!"

I spun around in shock, to face the voice that had just come from behind me, almost toppling off in my panic.
 
There, stood in the doorway of the stairs, was the one person who really meant anything to me anymore. His face was flushed from running and consumed by worried panic. His eyes looked at me pleadingly and locked my gaze so I couldn't look away.

"Please, you don't have to do this," he said, his tormented eyes drilling into my mind.

"You don't understand," I said, my eyes clouding up with tears. "I don't know what else to do..."

"Step down and we can talk. You have choices; don't make the wrong one." His tone was gentle. but I noticed how with each word, he edged the slightest bit closer to me.

I tried to take a step back, but found myself so close to the edge I couldn't.

"What is there to talk about?" I said, gaining volume each word. "How I hack into my wrists with a razor blade whenever I'm alone,  just to try make the pain go away? How I go to sleep every night hoping I won't wake up? You have no idea what it's like for me." 

"I have some idea. I've seen the way you've changed these past months. I just want you to be happy again. I want my best friend back."

"Well you'd be the only one," I said bitterly. "If I jumped now, you'd be the only one who'd actually know why. Because no-one else even bothered to try and find out what's been wrong with me."

"Aren't I enough?" he said quietly.

Frustrated, I shouted at him, "You don't understand! I:-

"No, you don't understand. You're not the only one who hurts, you know. I have problems too and you have no idea how much I rely on you. Do you have any idea what it would be like for me if you were dead? It would kill me. I love you, what's it going to take to get you to see that?"

I was surprised by the sudden outburst and by the fact he'd just said he loved me. He was right, I didn't have any idea what it'd be like for him. I was beginning to understand though.

His voice softened. "You and I both know that you don't want to be up here.

Come down. We'll go home and I'll stay with you as long as you like, I promise. I'm here for you, I always have been. We'll get through this, together. I know you don't want it to end this way."

"You don't know what I want!" I shouted, the tears that had been building finally escaping onto my cheeks.

"What do you want?" he asked me gently.

I took a breath. I was so completely aware of everything around me. How the wind had died to a gentle breeze, whispering against my cheek. How my heart was beating furiously and how I was surprisingly warm, despite the chill of the air. I was aware of how close to the edge I was, the heels of my feet hanging off the edge of the building.

I moved my gaze up from my feet and met the eyes of the boy staring back at me from across the roof, the eyes of my best friend and the eyes of someone so much more than that. As I looked at him, I felt all the walls I'd ever built around myself come tumbling down. All the hurt, the pain, finally exposed. 

"I just want to be free." I whispered.

Then I left everything I ever was- my life, my memories, my heart- on the rooftop, in the possession of the one I had counted on for so long.

As I leaned back into the air, I fell away from everything that had ever meant anything. I closed my eyes, but not before I saw the scream I never heard escape his mouth and him rush forward unthinkingly.

"I love you too," I breathed, praying that somehow, he'd hear me and know I was sorry.

The wind rushed past me and for that one moment, I was the most free I'd ever been in my life. It was as though time had stopped, suspending me in a limbo between life and death. Behind the closed lids of my eyes, seventeen years of memories flickered in my head. I saw my life like a videotape, the most important parts playing twice. 

Then, in an instant, everything stopped. The memories stopped playing and the wind stopped rushing. My arms froze in a spread eagled position and everything halted. When I hit the ground, I felt nothing but a short stab of despair. 

In my mind, the final image I'd ever hold. One pair of broken eyes, staring helplessly at the broken girl he loved. I could never be free as long as I was haunted by the pain in those eyes. As I lay on the ground, a broken parody of who I once was, I died. I died knowing that my final seconds spent flying were the only seconds of freedom I would get. Because freedom is a feeling and in death, you feel nothing. I saw how pointless it had been to die for freedom. Because eventually, memories fade, love diminishes and all life ends. But nothing is more fleeting than freedom.

That, I learnt the hard way.

Author's Note

I usually write poetry, so please let me know what you think as this is a very different way to write for me :)